tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15793055482561525052024-03-05T02:28:27.046-08:00Writer's BlogThis is about Cristian YoungMiller (me) and my experiences writing my books. For me, writing is usually a psychological train wreck. I just don't do well with being very raw. But the books benefit and it makes my blogs interesting. Follow along with the ride.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-63699979631398294692014-02-03T01:48:00.001-08:002014-02-03T01:48:22.984-08:00I've figured out the final element in selling a lot of books!It's funny, I came to this site today to write a blog saying that I finally figured out why I don't sell as many books as my fellow authors, and I happened to see a list of posts that visitors have most recently read. 1 of the 3 most recent read was one called: <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;"><a href="http://runfromthereaper.blogspot.com/2012/08/i-found-out-why-im-only-doing.html" target="_blank">I found out why I'm only doing moderately well as a writer</a>.</span><br />
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I read it and it was posted 18 months ago and was written right after I did a sales experiment that told me which genre to focus on. In the post I said that I had 40 titles and that if I could just do 16 to 26 more, I would make 10k a month. I thought that I could do it by Dec 2012. Ha!<br />
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Well, 18 months later I hit 56 English titles on Amazon. And this month I hit 10k for the first time. Woohoo! Man, how the hell did I guess that?! Granted, it took me a little longer than 4 months to do it. But, at the time I had 60 titles in all languages, and today I have about 210. Clearly I have spent a lot of time doing translations. Also, many of my books had to be yanked from Amazon because of their whole censorship thing.<br />
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But yep, I called it. I thought that if I focused on books the average American woman would like, I would sell more. I did.<br />
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Today I'm blogging to say that I have finally figured out the dichotomy which has allows bewildered me. Why is it that I sell so few books in English while getting such glowing reviews from readers. It would seem logical that if readers really like my books, I would have taken off by now. If you are a reader of my post, I'm sure that you've read my endless pondering about it.<br />
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Well, I've got it. I've figured it out. As I accurately stated in my last post, there are only three things that a reader users to determine if they will buy a book; the title, the cover and the description. As stated in the other post, readers I've never interacted with say that my writing "good". Readers think that my titles are "great". And in the other post, I just glossed over my book descriptions. What I said was that 2 of 3 is pretty great.<br />
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I'm here to tell you that the authors doing really well are getting 3 out of 3. The reason that I'm doing so badly in English is because my book descriptions are severely lacking and I didn't know how much.<br />
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Today I posted a thread on my erotica author forum exploring the analysis of successful book blurbs. I then threw myself into heavy analysis of the descriptions for books that became the breakthrough hit for an unknown author. It turns out that there are patterns. And the reason why I know I'm correct is because now that I've seen the patterns, successful description writing seems pretty obvious. Yet, even my very successful author friends were blown away by my discover.<br />
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Here's the gist of it. The main thing that readers look for in any book is conflict and plot twists within familiar tropes; the Pretty Woman trope, the Fish out of Water trope, the Found Baby trope. But this isn't brain surgery. Commercial writing is very formulaic. And the book descriptions that sell the most books... here it comes... clearly states what the book's trope is then identifies the conflicts and plot twists in the story.<br />
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That's it. That's the big secret. That is what separates a book from it's true potential. Now, knowing that doesn't guarantee a successful book. The trope still has to be one that appeals to the masses and the plot twists and conflicts still have to be interesting. But that simply formula is the secret to helping your book reach it's full sales potential.<br />
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See, I told you that it would seem obvious after I said it. Yet, I made up a scale to evaluate books and test the formula and applied it to my past books. Apparently none of them pass. Zero! That's 0 out of 210. Well, it's possible that one of them did pass. It would be the one that reached #1 in humor on Amazon. I haven't analysed it yet, but as I think back on it, that book's description could met all of the criteria.<br />
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I would beat myself up about it except it seems that no one else realized this either. I have had a number of successful authors try to help me with my book descriptions and not once did anything like this come up. But please, it's so simply, don't you think that if this was well known, someone would have mentioned it?<br />
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Anyway, I have the formula now. So from now on, not only will my wonderfully-titled good books have great covers, but the books will be described in the most interesting way possible. So it turns out that I didn't need a writing class after all. What I needed was to spend an afternoon applying my mind to figuring out the last marketing deficit that I knew I had. Boy I'm glad that I dropped UCLA extension class.<br />
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On another topic, I dropped the class I was taking at the UCLA extension. I went to 2 classes and then realized that I didn't belong there. The class ended up being for those who wanted to write the first 50 pages of their first novel ever. That is clearly not me. And being a veteran, I talk about writing differently than beginners do.<br />
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Did I gain anything from the classes I attended? Yes, the class gave me confidence in the fact that I knew what I needed to know to start my YA book. I also got a hand out to help me flush out my main character little more. I did find that helpful. But, seriously, that was not a class for me.<br />
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So now I'm going to finish off my werewolf story. With it I will be doing a few things that I have never done before. I was feeling insecure about the stories for a couple reasons. The first reason was that my stories are about werewolves and no one transforms into a werewolf in book 1 which is 60 pages long. The second issue I had was that the second book in the series only had one sex scene. I usually do 3 or 4 per book. It's just how I do it. The third book was fine-ish.<br />
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Well, I was reading a post on my forum and saw something about what the best marketing technique is. The best one, which is also the one that has worked best for me, is to write a series and release the first book for free. What I also learned is that the sweet spot for sales is a book with about 25k words.<br />
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Well, my first book makes a questionable werewolf book because it ends right before the protagonist transforms, but it makes a hell of a teaser that I could give away for free. And instead of stretching the series out into 4 books, I could combine what is now book 2 and 3 into one book that equals... you guested it, exactly 25k words. This is all working out perfectly. Now book 2 will have lots of sex and werewolf fun. And book 1 will be the the perfect lead in for it.<br />
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Put that together with my truly awesome title for a werewolf erotic romance (seriously, I can't believe that no one has thought of this before), and my very, very cool looking cover and all I need is the right description. And now that I know how to write an awesome description, this book, being in the hottest current romance sub-genre, should be my best seller to date. Oh, did I mention that the story is actually really good as well?<br />
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It's all kind of exciting. I finally feel like I have a full grasp on my profession. Now, if I could just figure out the plot of the final book in the series, my professional life would be perfect... and all I'll have to figure out is my personal life. But one impossible task at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself. I'm too much in a good mood to go there tonight. :-)Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-67339844124175975312014-01-21T02:04:00.001-08:002014-01-21T02:04:44.860-08:00Creatively I have hit my pinnacleFor the past week I've been doing something that I might have said that I would never do. I'm taking a writing class/workshop. The reason why I decided to do it was that I didn't fell I was a good enough writer and that was why I don't sell as many books as my peer in English. To address that, I signed up for a couple of UCLA extensions.<br />
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Combining this with my constant planning on writing my New Adult series, I decided to take a class where the goal was to write the first 50 pages of a novel. That seems perfect, right? I thought so. I figured that I would finally take the time and start the books that are supposed to be my legacy.<br />
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There have been a few hangups though. The first occurred about a day after I signed up for the class. I signed up for the class because of my insecurity that I wasn't a good writer. Well, right after signing up, I got this review for one of my books featuring large women: "<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I enjoyed all the series it made me think there is a guy out there that would love a big girl the way she wants to be loved...."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">It seems pretty basic, right? Wrong! It was for a series that I actually mentioned on one of my blog posts. I had blogged about this book series because I was very proud of myself for figuring how to shape the way people viewed life using the context of erotica. I was convinced that with the first book in the series I could reshape the way that heavier women viewed who they were.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">That's not a small challenge. Let's remember that the primary purpose of erotica is to get people to masturbate. Comedies fail if they don't make you laugh; mysteries fail if they don't keep you guessing; and erotica fails if it doesn't make you want to have sexual release. So while I was writing a story that made women want to touch themselves, I managed to strategically insert something that also shaped the reader's view of themselves, their life and the world in general. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Do you know how incredibly hard that is? I have always thought highly of myself, so I didn't doubt that I could do it. But thinking you could do something and actually having proof that you have done it is two completely different things. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Now let's look at that review again. My goal was to reshape the way that the reader viewed herself. The person who wrote the review said "...it made me think there is a guy out there that would love a big girl the way she wants to be loved..." There it is. I did it. I changed the way that she viewed herself and the world. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Do you know how difficult that is? It is hard enough to do it within a self-help book, and people who buy those books are predisposed to want to change their thinking and life. It is hard enough to do it with a spiritual book, yet, again, the people who buy those books are buying the because they are in search of answers and change. But I did it within the framework of erotica.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">So, what do you do when you meet your own objective criteria for brilliance? I'm not sure.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The reason why I signed up for the class was because I felt insecure about not being a good writer. I no longer suffer from that insecurity. Perhaps I could get better at describing scenes or creating characters. But in my mind, there are a few definitions of "good" when it comes to writing, and I'm good at the thing that I care most about; using writing to reshape the reader's view of life.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Now, having said all of that, I'm not sure which book I will actually work on in the class. I'm still not done with my 4 part werewolf novella series. I going to try and at least finish book 3 this week. If I do that, I will probably write the long awaited novel for the class. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I would like to say, though, that being a good writer isn't really correlated to making sales. And I'm really starting to introduce real complexity into this werewolf erotic romance. These characters are getting really emotionally rich, and I'm going to be using some very interesting plot twists to achieve the standard 'will they or won't they get together' troupe. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">This sucker is getting really quite worth while. Add that to the realistic way I deal with race, and the fact that the story is about a heavy girl who experiences what it's like to go from the reject to the girl who all of hottest guys want, and you really have a unique story. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is it as good as the first erotic story that I ever wrote? Probably not. That story was unadulterated romance with a protagonist who would do anything for their love. This new story is not that pure. But what it is is a well told interesting story. It's less romantic, and much more relate-able. Will it sell as many as my first story? Who knows. I guess I would have a better idea if I actually read books in that genre. We'll see though.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">On another note, one of the things that the class has done for me so far is that it helped me to see that I actually know enough about the long awaited story to start writing it. And more than that, I have the most awesome opening scene. The protagonist and her crew are being chased by a dragon made of fire. The protagonist is running under a canopy of trees and the dragon is flying through the air, so the dragon explodes into thousands flames. These individual flames fall in among the trees looking for the girl. When the flames find her, they swirl back together into the firey beast and the chase is on. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I love that opening. I absolutely love the way the final book ends. I love the message of the series. I love how the character changes throughout the series. And I love, love, love love the construction of the series. In another blog post I had referred to the construction of the story as genius. I still think that it is. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is it Issac Asinov genius? Geez, probably not. But if I ever finish it, it would be my greatest work. The "brilliant" accomplishment that I mention above would be child's play in comparison. And again, no one may ever read the long awaited series, but god damn, it would be proof to me that I lived up to my greatest potential. Maybe I will fail to change the entire world for the better. But I will be able to say that I wrote that, and that books series would stand as a testament to the best of who I was. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Now the only question is, will I finish book 3 of the werewolf series this week so that I can start the long awaited series? I guess the way that my life keeps slipping by me, I'll find out soon enough.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Oh, and on another positive note, the software that I've been developing is really close to being done. Barring some other crazy unexpected thing, it is finally days away from completion. After all of this time it almost seems unreal.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And I have to say about the software, I think that it will me my masterpiece. This software will be my 'Wordperfect'. Decades ago, someone said 'you know what? I'm going to make a software that makes it easier to write letters and memos.' No one had ever thought to do it before, and he did it reshaping the world as we know it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My software is no 'Wordperfect', but it's my masterpiece. I'm thinking that it's safe to say that I am in the creative prime of my life. I don't know how long anything that I'm creating now will last in the consciousness of the world, but I will feel proud to allow the things that I'm doing now to represent me and to justify my existence. </span></span>Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-57777594518795692522013-12-19T02:26:00.001-08:002013-12-19T02:33:03.629-08:00Do you want to read a few of my emails from fans?I don't have any big ideas tonight and I don't really have anything to say. But I played Touch Rugby late tonight and I can never get to sleep before 3am when I do that. Therefore I have decided to write an update on my new life direction.<br />
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In my previous post I discussed how I was going to start asking myself what I can contribute to others and various situations instead of simply thinking about what I can get out of a situation. Well, I have to say that it has been a lot easier to make that transition than I thought.<br />
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What's hardest about making these types of changes is remembering that you have made these changes on a day to day basis. But, so far in every situation, I have found myself asking what I could selflessly contribute to this person's situation. So far it hasn't led to anything too drastic. But it is beginning to change my attitude in a way that is undefinable at this point.<br />
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Also, I had mentioned how I got that message to contact that person who I shouldn't have contacted. Well, I contacted that person, and they ended up responding really well to my message. They didn't know what the hell I was talking about, but it did seem to make them feel good that I had reached out to them in this way. So if nothing else, I was able to bring a little joy to their life by following through with the message.<br />
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And I really thought that after contacting that person I was going to turn into the kid from 'The Sixth Sense' and I would have a line of dead people waiting to deliver their messages. That hasn't happened. I have gotten no new messages. I'm quite pleased with that fact. Yes, I'm at 'their' disposal, but let's not over due it, right?<br />
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The other that was going on with me right now was that I had decided to write a book series that I didn't think would sell. I was going to write it for the sole purpose of becoming a better writer. My plan was to give myself as much time as I needed to finish the stories. I write erotica for the money, so that means I need to get them out ASAP. And I was hoping that more time would allow me to write a fuller story.<br />
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I'm not sure whether that has been my experience. In fact, I'm not sure if this series is improving my writing at all. Tomorrow I will finish the 2nd story out of 4 and I almost feel like these stories cover even less story-ground than my normal stories.<br />
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I think that I have really gotten the art of the short story down pact. You get in, get out and you're done. Now, I don't know. The series that I'm working on now is a werewolf romance and the first book is more than twice as long as any of my recent stories, yet no where in these 20,000 words does anyone transform into a werewolf... except the last chapter... as a cliffhanger. That's really weird.<br />
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The second book has it's own oddities. For example, I like to put at least 3 sex scenes into every story. The 2nd book has only one. Now, the character do spend almost the whole book walking around naked and aroused... it's the wolf in them... but there is only 1 sex scene.<br />
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The other odd thing is that after spending the whole first book focused on certain characters surrounding the protagonist. The protagonist spends the whole 2nd book trapped on an island with a whole bunch of new character who were introduced in book 1, but were barely given any face time. I mean, these are just really odd things.<br />
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Maybe my subconscious has some sort of plan for this series that it hasn't informed me about yet. That happened with the first erotic series I ever wrote. I started off writing really graphic sex stories. But, by the end, some readers actually cried.<br />
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I don't think that this new series has that sort of emotional weight because these characters are less sympathetic. I think that this is much more of straight forward Twilight sort of romance. I could be wrong though. I have noticed a strange fixation on race in the first 2 stories. It could end up being some sort of commentary on race in the Bahamas (the books are based in the Bahamas). And it is about a full-figured ugly duckling who, when turned, transforms into the object of every wolfman's affection. So there is a whole self-esteem subplot that might be developing that I don't realize.<br />
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But I guess I'll have to wait to see what happens with the story just like my readers would. I've learned to not second guess my subconscious on these things. But I'm saying that I don't think that I'm learning how to write a fundamentally better story by doing this. And that was the only goal for doing this. I need to become a better author so that I can change the world with my "big 5 book series". Remember?<br />
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Anyway, it has felt good giving myself time to write. Apparently, writing can really be enjoyable sometimes. And even though this story is erotica, it's actually kind of fun to write. It does get me all hot and bothered while I'm writing it... especially this book... god damn I find this book hot... and I'm not a big fan of getting aroused at work. I mean, how many times can you change your shorts in a day. But still, writing this series has been kind of enjoyable. I'm very gratefully that my life is currently gives me time to write.<br />
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And since one of my task today was to reply to fans' emails, I thought that I would share a few of them with you. I think they mess with my mind because I know I'm not that good at writing. It takes kind of a effort to read them and then immediately forget them. But here are a few lines from the ones I read today:<br />
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Dear XXX,<br />
You are a great writer and I love you books, especially the menage books.<br />
B-<br />
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Dear xxxx,<br />
I would love to give you feed back. I love to read [your books] I'm a fan fan fan fan fan. lol<br />
thanks<br />
N-<br />
<br />
XXXX, <br />
I also left you a five star review for your complete set of
xxxxx series on Amazon. <i>(They are talking about the first erotic series that I ever wrote) </i> That series was sooooo good, I found
myself crying at times during the books because I was rooting for them
to get together. The ending was priceless. I love it! I just
wanted to let you know. That series was so good! Thank you for your
talented writing.<br />
T-<br />
<br />
I truly love reading your books. They take me to another place and I
get lost in the characters. I wonder at their decisions and why they
made the choice they made. I can lose myself in them for that short
while.<br />
J-<br />
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I have reviewed this book. Again, absolutely amazing.<br />
M-<br />
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Those are the emails I responded to today. My god I love these people! I so wish that I was as good of a writer as they think I am. But I can tell you this, I feel so exceptionally privileged that they, and others, allow me into their lives and their imaginations in this way. It is an honor that I never forget.<br />
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Sometimes I think about taking a writing class somewhere so that I could truly live up to their praise. But I fear that the demands of a class would take me away from actually writing. Maybe it'll be worth it, though. After all, I do need to get a lot better if I'm going to do justice to that non-erotic series. I'll have to think more seriously about the idea.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-85795341621771468212013-12-07T03:45:00.001-08:002013-12-07T04:03:02.124-08:00I've decided to give up and give inI might be punch drunk tired, but I just had a crazy thought. What if I stopped looking at situations and people and thinking what I could get out of it or from them, and instead considered what it is that I could give to them? And I'm sure that you're reading this and saying, yeah, no kidding. It's called being generous you self-centered bastard. But is it such an automatic thought?<br />
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It is one thing to look at a person and situation and not want anything from them. And it's a completely different thing to actively look at a situation and say, "what is it that I can contribute to it."<br />
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This is kind of an old thought for me. This is the way I used to live my life back when I was "good". I was such a giver. But then life beat me down pretty handily and I shifted my focus on just trying to survive. The result was that I shut down that generous aspect of my spirit and just looked after myself for a while. It resulted in a few nice personal achievements that I'm proud of. But what if I returned to that generosity of spirit for a while to come?<br />
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And I'm not talking financially. Lord knows that that will never happen. But, there are other things that are much more valuable than money. I have written about how I believe there is a flow to the universe. To me, the universe is a big Rube Goldberg machine and things affect you to bring about a certain action in you that affects others in a way that will in turn create another affect in others still.<br />
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I've experienced this in my life a number of times. A simple example was the time when my dead grandmother told me how she would use the fact that she was dead to give me something that I had asked her for. I thought it meant that nothing but good things would happen. But what instead happened was that a series of events occurred that pretty much destroyed me emotionally. Those events caused me to act irrationally and I packed up my clothes and took a crazy trip.<br />
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But it was on that trip that the thing that I had asked my grandmother for had happened. I would not have gotten what I had asked for if I hadn't entered that crazy mental state. Something had to force me out of my comfort zone and my near emotional breakdown did exactly that. And if it didn't happen on the exact day and time it did, I wouldn't have ended up in a certain spot 500 miles away when the other specific event occurred. It was like I was living in a giant Rube Goldberg machine. It's sort of like the thought that a butterfly flapping it's wings in America could cause a tidal wave in Japan.<br />
<br />
So, since I know that this is how the universe works, since I have experienced these Rube Goldberg moments numerous times, and since I have these "psychic" impressions which have proven themself to be correct time and time again, maybe, instead of thinking that every psychic impression that I have is meant to benefit me in some way, maybe I need to ask myself, how can I contribute to the situation. Maybe I should ask myself how I could play my small part in someone else's Rube Goldberg machine.<br />
<br />
And since I have had incident after incident that tells me that the world works like this, maybe I should not worry about how crazy people think I am when I play my part. Maybe I should just let go and give in to my crazy knowing that I'm actually pretty sane.<br />
<br />
I remember right after that same grandmother had died. One of the first things that that grandmother said to me post-life was that she wanted me to tell my aunt, the woman who took care of her until her death, that she, my grandmother, had visited her after she had died and that my aunt had seen her. Well, for a long time I refused to relay that message because, you know, I'm not a crazy person.<br />
<br />
But after a while I broke down and relayed that message. And instead of my Aunt looking at me like I was crazy (a look that I have gotten quite familiar with) my Aunt said that my grand mother had come to her as a cat that wouldn't leave the window sill of the window of the room that my grandmother lived and died in. My aunt said how it was so like my grandmother to come as a cat because my aunt was allergic to cats. And my aunt said that at the time, she had spoken aloud to the cat acknowledging that the cat was my grandmother.<br />
<br />
So not only did my Aunt not think I was nuts, but I validated her so that she wouldn't think of herself as nuts. And now that I don't really have to live my life in fear of not surviving, maybe I could be this vessel which I have often gotten the impression that I should be. And as I think about it again for the first time in years, maybe I should have delivered the message that my dead father wanted me to relay to my brother. If only I could now remember what that message was. Oh well, hopefully it wasn't important.<br />
<br />
The reason why all of this is coming up now is because yesterday I got the very clear message that I should contact someone that everyone in their right mind would tell me that I shouldn't contact. But I know what I was told by that voice in my head. I was told to contact them. I did and I understandably got a very cold response. And reading it tonight I thought, why did I even contact this person?<br />
<br />
Well, now I'm starting to think that perhaps I wasn't supposed to contact them because I was supposed to get something out of it. Maybe I was supposed to contact them because they were supposed to get something out of it with no emotional payoff for me. Maybe what I should do is ask them if there is something that I could do to contribute to their life and just accept the fact that I will come off sounding like a crazy person. After all, shouldn't I be used to that by now? I pride my self in being completely nuts. So why should I lose my courage now? <br />
<br />
And maybe this should be my policy moving forward. I really have accepted that I have failed at what I wanted to accomplish with my life. So, now that I know that I won't accomplish it, maybe it's time for me to give in to my life. Maybe I should just stop trying to be the man I wanted to be and just make my life about others. Wow, I can feel a part of myself dying a little just thinking about it. But maybe that's what I should do.<br />
<br />
Hmm... I think I'll start with the situation in front of me and then take it from there. Maybe I'll again embrace the dude that I used to be. Well, I did really like that dude, so maybe it won't be all that bad.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-57918505396769004682013-12-01T02:30:00.001-08:002013-12-01T02:30:51.689-08:00I remember that time I was taken hostageI just came back from watching Hunger Games: Catching Fire. It's better than the first movie. Where as the books got worse and worse to the point that I could barely stand them, the movies started out pretty good and is only getting better.<br />
<br />
And walking home from the Grove I walked around a little. Man is that place beautiful this time of year. I kept thinking how lucky I was to be living near there. And for some reason, it reminded me of the time that I was held hostage. I'm not sure why I thought about that for the first time in years, but I did. It's an interesting story.<br />
<br />
When I was 25 I was living in Dallas, Texas. It was just before my move to Los Angeles and I was working at an AT&T telephone directory distribution headquarters. I was doing data entry, but my boss really like me so she kept giving me more work.<br />
<br />
At one point she is complaining about how people are falling behind. I'm sitting outside her office and I heard her talking to her right hand woman about how she's withholding payment to certain people because they're behind. I don't think much about it until one day when she asked me to take a trip with her out to one of the distribution centers that was behind.<br />
<br />
I'm in the minivan and as we're arriving she says to me, Cristian, I want you to do something for me. I need someone to seem intimidating, so I want you to stand quietly behind me. I'm going to introduce you as an efficiency expert that we brought down from California and I'm going to use your presence to get them back on schedule. She tells that I'm not to saying anything, just stand there looking unimpressed. I agree.<br />
<br />
We get there and I play my role and they seem a little intimidated. But at one point, they leave me alone in their office as the two women I was with went off to chat with someone. Alone in the office, the distribution center's assistance tells me that what we're doing is right. I ask her what she means. She tells me that they haven't been paid in 4 weeks and that her trailer is about to be repossessed. I don't say anything. Someone else tells me how they are months behind on their mortgage because of how slow AT&T is paying and the bank is calling them threatening to foreclose on their home.<br />
<br />
I'm listening to this and I'm a little shocked because I overheard my boss talking about how the money is sitting in their account but she is withholding payment. I start to understand that I am on the wrong side of this battle. I begin to understand that my boss is the bad guy.<br />
<br />
I leave the office thinking about what I was told. My heart completely went out to those people and I come up with a plan. I call aside the manager of the facility. I say to him, "I want you to do something, and I promise you you will get the money to pay your people. But you have to do exactly as I say." He agrees.<br />
<br />
I tell him to take his van and block our van in. After that he is to come back to us and tell my boss that he blocked our van in and that he won't let us out until she takes him to the bank and gets the money that they're owed. I told him to tell my boss that they would be keeping me there until they came back, and afterwards they would let me go. I asked him if he under stood me and I could practically see his heart stop. I asked him again and he shakes his head. We both walk back to the group separately and I could see his hands shaking as he lights up a cigarette and walks away.<br />
<br />
About 10 minutes later he walks back up. The poor man is practically crying. His hands still shaking he delivers his message and my boss is just shocked. She yells for a second and he doesn't budge. I could see her mind swimming because she had just dragged me, her temp, to this place and now I was being taken hostage. She began to think about how I could potentially sue AT&T over this. So very quickly she relents. She asks me if I'm ok waiting there and do my best to reassure her that I am.<br />
<br />
The group leaves for about 20 minutes while I chat with the workers in the office. It's all pleasant and when my boss gets back, they collect me and we all leave. My boss apologized profusely for that and later on bumped my pay. She said it was for my hard work, and I certainly was working hard, but it probably also had something to do with being held hostage.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure, but I think that was the thing that I've done which I'm the most proud of. I don't think that I'm that good of a person anymore. It seems that as the years go on, I get more and more jaded and self-centered. I really used to be a good person, but ever since I decided to see what it would be like to live my life if there wasn't a god, I've never quite been the same. Certainly I've taken more of an ownership of what happened to me, but I think that I've also been a little more protective of what I have and have been less willing to be generous of spirit.<br />
<br />
As I think about it, it was probably the theme of self-sacrifice in the Hunger Games books that made me think of that. Self-sacrifice that doesn't count as martyrdom isn't easy and doesn't happen very often. I guess that I used to be a better person than I am. And I guess the truth is that the longer I live, the worse of a person that I'll become. Luckily, I probably won't notice the difference. And since the majority of the people I know only know this current version of me, they won't notice much of a change either.<br />
<br />
Hmm... I guess I'm just grateful that there was a time that I was a better person.<br />
<br />
But, you know what? I was thinking the other day that it's possible that my journey of spiritual evolution didn't stop when I stopped meditating and believing in god. Some of the most profound psychic experiences that I've had have been since I've "lost my spiritual way".<br />
<br />
What I was thinking the other day was that maybe spiritually has nothing to do with meditating and acting moral. Maybe spirituality has solely to do with a person's ability to connect with the secret workings of the universe.<br />
<br />
I have long believed that the "spiritual path" that religions speak of and that connects to the god that they speak of, is actually more about connecting with the flow of the universe. I've always believed that we are all swept up within current of the universe and like an insect floating on top of it, we could choose to fight the current, swim to the edge of the cosmic river or let go and go where the universe takes us.<br />
<br />
Granted, if we let go, we are still going to get sick and hurt and die. There's no preventing that. But if we are flowing at the same pace of the universe, from where we float everything would seem to stand still and there's wonder to be found in those seemingly still moments. I've always believed that knowledge becomes more easily accessible in that seeming stillness. And the universe seems much more open with that knowledge if we just stop fighting the flow.<br />
<br />
So, having said all of that, I'm starting to believe that it's possible that even though I no longer meditate and I no longer go looking for things that i can do to change people's lives for the better, maybe all of the things that I do now have put me in better contact with the universe than I have ever been.<br />
<br />
That's a tall order though, because at my peek, knowledge seemed to flow to me like a tidal wave. I was talking to the dead and simple meditation made me feel like I was high every day. I don't feel like that now. But I seem to have a much more open channel, not to the dead people I spoke to, but to the secrets hidden in the natural folds of it's spaces. At least that's what I'm starting to think.<br />
<br />
Certainly meditation has various physiological changes on your body that can't be overlooked. But my ability to learn things that only an outside observer could see about what's going on in the lives of others, has increased dramatically. At least it seems that way. But perhaps it only seems like that because I've forgotten the details of my life, much how I had forgotten about the time I was a hostage.<br />
<br />
Hmm... That's a tough one. One day I have to re-read 'The First Day After Life'. Something tells me that I will remember a number of things about my life that I had forgotten. I wonder if it would be an interesting read or if it would just make me cringe. Well, maybe one day I'll find out.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-69128544248298753872013-11-26T02:12:00.001-08:002013-11-27T01:17:38.117-08:00In France, I'm selling as many books as John GrishamHoly Crap! Well, my intention for this blog was a lot different a few minutes ago. I will get back into what I was going to say, but just now I decided to find out the ranking of my lastest release in France so that I could reference it here.<br />
<br />
Apparently my latest release has entered the top 100 at Amazon France. And I don't mean the top 100 erotica books, or the top 100 romance books. It has entered the top 100 best seller list on all of Amazon. My 30 page short story is just below John Girsham's latest 466 page, month old release and above Hunger Games... even with the latest Hunger Games movie just out. (Holy crap, did I just write that?) That's um... that's a new achievement for me.<br />
<br />
That makes what I'm about to say even more tragic. A few days ago I decided to do something that I never do; I read a few pages by 2 of my bestselling colleagues. Both are stories that made it to the New York Times bestselling list. And you know what? I now understand why my stories don't make it to the bestselling lists in English. My stories lack something that I can't give them.<br />
<br />
And you know what else is true, they lack something that I could never give them. I could probably write for another 10 years and never be able to give them what I read in those stories. Authors have styles and that style is outside of my capability... mostly because I'm not a woman.<br />
<br />
But at least I understand it now. At least I get that I will never be great at what I do. I understand that I have the ability to do fine. After all, one of my short stories is one of the 100 most popular books in all of France. That's not nothing. But at the same time, that same story has only sold 13 copies in English this month. That certainly doesn't represent the beginnings of greatness.<br />
<br />
But now that I have accepted my own lack of potential greatness, I feel a little bit more at ease with myself. I am barely more than ordinary. My writing is barely more than ordinary. Ok, fine. I accept it. And I think that I am reinforcing my ordinariness right now with the current story I'm writing.<br />
<br />
It's interesting, with my new development team and their schedule, I have managed to return to the life that I had back in 2009 when I first started writing. I wake up in the morning and don't check my email until after I've completed my writing for the day. I'm not even writing that much, but it feels kinda good.<br />
<br />
But what I am writing... Ok, a little background. I am in constant search of a hit in English. One of my bestselling friends told me that I should write a longer erotic romance with shape shifters in it. It is all the rage right now. I decided to do that. That is what I've been working on. But even as I'm writing it, I see its flaws.<br />
<br />
It's not that the flaws are that I'm a poor story craftsman or that I'm not constructing great sentences. The problem is that my subject matter is not bestselling subject matter. I'm writing the equivalent of literary fiction for erotica, and lord knows nobody wants to read literary fiction.<br />
<br />
But I can't help it. Either I can write erotica, or I can loosen my constraints and let loose what's in side of me. Does this current story have enough twists and turns? Yes. Am I filling it with enough real life experiences to round out its emotional breath? Yes. Does it hit the sub-genres that are popular? Yes.<br />
<br />
But as I wrote the scene where the main girl is being beat up in the locker room by a group of thug girls and then is being bloodied by her mother, I wonder how I can expect anyone to want to read this. Granted, I'm writing a New Adult story and one of the defining characteristics of New Adult is that the main character is troubled, think Hunger Games. But the abuse that the characters usually experience doesn't appear on screen. Yet here I am putting the abuse front and center for all of my readers to squirm at. This is not good, but this is the story that is waiting to come out of me.<br />
<br />
I can't stop writing it though. I can't just turn my attention to a sequel to the latest French bestseller because there is something deep inside of me telling me that writing this current story is a part of my greater path. For years now I've been planning on writing the story about the abused girl who in a moment of weakness abandons the only person who lovers her to explore the universe but then can't get back home. And in part, the erotic Werewolf story that I'm currently writing is practice for that.<br />
<br />
My big future story is from the perspective of a young woman. I've had real hesitations about doing that considering I'm a man, and my current story is just that. I've hesitated because I didn't know how I would handle the fact that the girl is abused and in the current story I'm practicing handling that.<br />
<br />
Of course, it's not like anyone will want to read my future story either. But I've been planning my future story for years. I am really trying to make those stories my legacy. I consider them my only real shot at immortality. The story line is grand enough to be loved, but there is no telling if I have the special something it takes to breath that unique flavor of life into it to make it wonderful.<br />
<br />
There might not be anything I can do to make that series wonderful, but the story that I'm writing currently is at least an attempt to give my future project what it takes to thrive. I would like to think that by writing my current story, though it has no chance of success, I'm increasing the probability of future success.<br />
<br />
You know what, after writing all of this, I'm actually feeling better about writing this Werewolf story that no one will read. I am not a great writer. I accept that. I need practice if I'm going to perhaps be better than I am right now. People usually spend money to attend school to become better at stuff. But not only do I have enough money coming in that I could afford to take this break, but there is a chance that I could make a few bucks when my current story is done. All of my stories make some money even if it's just $500.<br />
<br />
So yeah, I actually feel good about what I'm doing now. The rest of this year I'm considering as time off to better my craft and better prepare myself for my shot at glory. And perhaps the software I'm creating will sustain my finances as my income dips due to lack of releases. Who knows. But hopefully when I end my current story, I will be a better writer because of it and my future story, the one that is supposed to make me immortal, will be better because of it as well. But, who knows.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-56376393589517560542013-11-08T02:41:00.002-08:002013-11-08T02:41:40.291-08:00Today I got one of my best compliments ever<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Writing is an interesting thing. I clearly have a complex
relationship with it. Because I grew up with a form of dyslexia I have a
natural bias to think of myself as bad at it. The fact that the only class that
I ever failed in my life was a class called Writing when I was 7 years old,
gives me a certain bias against it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">But yet, even before I became an author, I had made more money as
a writer than anything else. I was a producer for many years, but even then I
was a writer/producer. Logically I have to think that I don't suck at it, but
in reality do believe that I suck?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I wrote an article today about what the erotica you purchase says
about who you are. I had done it because I knew that I would get a minimum of
4,000 "reads" and that would mean 4,000 free, and targeted
commercials for my erotica books. But I am surprised how good I feel about what
I've written. It's very smart. I genuinely think that those who
"read" it will learn something about themselves that could help to
make their life better. I think it's really insightful while being quite
effective marketing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So rereading that, I have to ask myself, 'could a bad writer write
that?' I have to ask myself how bad of a writer do I think I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I guess the reason why this comes up is because of what I wrote
the last time and the email I got this morning. The email was from someone who
I'm sure did not read my blog post. It was a fan of my erotica work. She had
written me before, but she wanted to write me again telling me that she had
just gone back and given one of my books a 5 star review. It was the book that
I described in the last past as the first erotica story that I ever wrote. It
was the story that I described as being 'good'.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">In the letter, the reader repeatedly told me how good she thought
the story was. She mentioned how she cried hoping that the 2 main characters
would get together. And she concluded it by literally thanking me for my
"talented writing". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">How does one respond to that... especially since it's clear how I
feel about my level of ability. It seems that there are a lot of great things
that I can accept about myself. Lord knows that I'm not modest. But it kind of
makes it hard to breath to think about what she wrote. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">As I think about it, this kind of reminds me of something else I
used to experience. Up until a few years ago, I used to have the equivalent of
a panic attack every time someone would gush about how good of a person I was.
And believe it or not, I used to get it at least once or twice a year. See, I
told you that I wasn't modest. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">But the last time I had a panic attack, it was after a Christmas
party. I was with this woman who I was hanging with at the time. This was our
2nd party for the season and the first party had a few of the same people
attending. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">At the first party I had done what I would often do back then. The
conversation would turn to someone and their quibbles about life, and I would
defend life. I would try to reshape the quibbler's understanding of their
circumstances by giving them information about the way that the world works.
But, like I said, this wasn't anything new for me. This was my standard
routine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">But when I attended the second party, there was a woman there that
I had had one of my talks with. She and the woman I came with, at one point,
cornered me and proceeded to rehash our conversation. They both tell me how
each of them had left the party and thought about everything I had said. They
then proceeded to tell me how it changed the way they looked at life. And then
they "gushed" about how great and wise they thought I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I did my usual response which was to smile and nod and do my best
not to hear it while hoping it would stop, but it continued. But soon it came
to an end and a little while later I left for home. Driving home I started to
have my usual panic attack. I try to block out the memory of the situation but
it won't go away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">When I get home, I sit in the chair I'm sitting in now and I can
barely breath. Once my breathing returns I think about how ridiculous my
response was. I then decide to do my little thing I do to reconnect emotions
with difficult memories and I figure out why people telling me I'm a good
person sends me into a panic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">What I remembered was being 12 years old at a teen camp for young
Christians. I remember that even then I wasn't about to follow the crowd and
pretend that I believed something that I didn't. And I remember being a really
good and moral kid. I used to be the absolute last one to leave church ever
night out of respect for the preacher, but I was the only one who didn't
pretend that I was being "saved" by what was being said. I was 12,
but I knew who I was and what I believed and I wasn't about to fake it with
anyone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyway, at this camp I was in a cabin that shared a wall with the
girls shower. So naturally, one of these god-fearing 15 year old boys drilled a
hole in the wall so that everyone could take turns watching the girls shower.
Of course. And there was once when a couple of the girls I knew was about to
take a shower that I subtly walked to the girls cabin, subtly called my female
friend over and told her not to react immediately but there was a hole into
their shower and that she shouldn't go in there right away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Her being fifteen, what did she do? She ran from me into the
shower and screamed for everyone to get out and get dressed. Further proof that
15 year old girls don't understand what subtly is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyway, I wasn't about to run from what I did. I did it and that
was that. I wasn't going to rat out the person who drilled the hole, but at the
same time, I wasn't going to sell out my female friends' integrity for the
"respect" of some dudes that I would never see again. And after all,
wasn't what I did the Christian thing to do? Hypocrites!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So I did this and I was prepared to accept the consequences for
it. The consequences were that every girl from the cabin came out and
graciously thanked me telling me how good I was for doing it. And my older
brother, who I came with, who I respected, who I looked up to, pulled me aside,
looked at me disappointingly and told me that I shouldn't have done what I did.
I looked at him hurt asking him how he would feel if his girlfriend were one of
the girls being spied on. He said that she wasn't and he left it at that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I was 12. This taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me that
being a good person resulted in rejection by the people you care about. So
naturally, every time from that point forward when someone graciously told me
how good of person I was, it would result in me having the equivalent of a
panic attack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I was able to break that Pavlovian response of praise and panic.
And it has also helped that people don't gush over how good of a person I am
anymore. Hmm... as I think about it, I wonder if me not being a good person
anymore is linked to residual effects of my Pavlovian response. I'm going to
have to give that some thought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyway, I write all of that to draw it into comparison with the
feeling that I'm having right now about the praise over my writing. I don't
know if it's exactly the same, because I have also gotten really horrible
reviews about the exact same book. I feel like I should be able to say that the
nature of art is it's subjectivity. In fact, the individual responses to work
is what defines something as art. I feel like I should know and embrace this,
but I just can't grasp it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">There is something in me that says that it's either all or
nothing. Either everyone should love it or it has to be considered bad. Yes, I
know it's ridiculous. And I would certainly dissuade other people from thinking
that way, but that has been ingrained in me in some way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Ya know, maybe it's not the Pavlovian response that is leading to
my feeling of praise panic, and instead the dichotomy of people loving and
hating my work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Either way, perhaps I should consider another profession. Maybe I
wasn't made to be an author. It really is a bitch of a process, especially the
way I do it. My process is to mine every thing of emotional weight in my life
and then wrap a story around it and hang it out exposed for everyone to read
and critique. Why would someone do that to themselves? How could that not make
a person crazy?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I think that at some point I need to pull the cord on my life and
say 'this is enough'. I am always chasing after immortality. And I do it at the
expense of everything. I have a great life, but man have I had to give up on a
lot of things to have it. And the older I get, the more I realize that I will
not be able to accomplish what I set out to do when I was a kid. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Even back when I was 15 I wanted nothing less but to change the
world. I wanted to create something that made people's lives better. Even then,
when I was a struggling dyslexic, I thought it would have to do with writing.
But as I get older and older, I am starting to realize that I'm just not good
enough to make it happen. And I'm not talking about writing a hit book. I'm
referring to writing something that helps to change many people's lives for the
better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I know that I'm not out of time, but I feel like I'm approaching
the limit of my ability and it isn't good enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Don't cry for me though. My image has been immortalized in a life
sized bronze statue of me. I was the first person ever to get a certain type of
low budget movie theatrically released. I got to be a national champion at my
sport. I have changed the self-perceptions and hence lives of hundreds if not
thousands of people with a video I released. I'm about to release software that
will reshape the way that self-publishers publish their books. I've done stuff.
It's just that I'm going to have to start coming to grips with the fact that by
my own definition, my life will be a failure. But I tried though. I think
that's the important part. I tried really hard and I did, and will continue to
do, the best that I can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And hey, according to some people, I've already done something
special. I've had completely original ideas and I've moved people to tears with
my writing. I guess, though, I just expected more from myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Ha! You know it takes a certain level of skill to take the most
generous compliment that I've ever gotten about my writing and use it to
further the idea that I'm not good enough. I guess I should give myself credit
for that as well. I have the ability to stick with an idea in the face of
overwhelming evidence. I say that that's also quite the skill. :-)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyway, I really do need to consider choosing another profession.
This one might make me too raw. And on a positive note, maybe if I ended my all
consuming pursuit of immortality, I might actually find someone who I could be
happy with and life a happy content life. Ha! Who am I kidding? It would take
more like a miracle for something like that. But meanwhile, I will just push
on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I'm off to have a conversation with my software developer in
China. Even at 2:30am, my work day never ends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-2244724664272123012013-11-06T02:50:00.002-08:002013-11-06T02:50:35.182-08:00I'm returning to writing good booksI am often confronted with my lack of success as an author. Just the other day I learned that at least 3 more of my fellow erotica authors are making over $200k a year. And they don't earn their money the way I do it, with business sense and smarts. They just write books that readers want to read. Man, if I had to rely on that, I'd probably still be an office assistant.<br />
<br />
But every so often I get a review that confuses me. Ok, I've accepted that I'm not that great of a writer. I get that I lack that instinctual understanding of what a reader wants to read. I understand that I am not a woman and that it truly takes a woman to know what a woman wants. I get all of that. But some times I get reviews that make me think that I don't understand what I don't understand.<br />
<br />
I'll probably sell about 40,000 books this year, but relatively speaking, my readership is small. But yes, with that many books sold, I certainly have fans. But I can't understand why my fans like my books when so many others reject it so clearly.<br />
<br />
A couple of days ago I had a fan write me and say: "I have read one of you books before and STEAMY and GOOD was an <span class="ZmSearchResult" id="DWT17492">understatement." Seriously? If that's true, why do I struggle to sell more than 100 of any of my books in English on Amazon? Another fan wrote: "Pen Name</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">, please keep writing these wonderful stories that give us that ever beautiful glimpse into another life and time." Come on, really?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">How can these people feel this way? How could they like these stories so much when so many others won't even give me the time of day? If they were to get a glimpse of my $200k friend's stories would they be gone like yesterday's trash? Do they only like my stuff because they haven't found the really good stuff yet? Because I tell you that my retention of readers after reading one of my free books isn't as high as the most successful writers on my forum.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Anyway, that's what I have been thinking about for a while; my ineptitude as a writer. And those constant thoughts of inadequacy have not made it easy for me to get back to writing. But I am getting back to writing. My last story, which was my first story in almost a year, is not selling well. It is doing as well as the last one that I wrote before that. Both have not performed well.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But in spite of all of that, I am actually going to return to writing. And not short story writing that has given me my living for the past 2 years, but real writing. It probably won't be very steamy, or sexy. But it will have interesting characters with clearly drawn goals. Every chapter will end with a cliff hanger, and I'm going to try and make the reader cry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The story is going to mean something to me like the first erotica story that I ever wrote. I thought that story was good back then, and I still think it is. I'm hoping that I will feel the same way about this new one. I don't know how good of a writer I am, but I'm going to give it my all.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Ya know, writing is a funny thing. I've hit #1 in my categories 4 different times in three different countries, yet it couldn't be clearer to me how inadequate my writing is. And I'm sure that people reading this will say, "you've had four #1's? Doesn't that mean that you're a good writer?" But the answer is, no it doesn't. There are a number of people that make a lot of money on my forum. I am not one of them. Readers let you know how they feel about your work with their dollars. And clearly I'm just not that good. I try, but I'm just not. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But maybe the next book though. Maybe with this next book series English speakers will say to me, "We like your stuff. And we like it so much that we've told our friends and they bought it too." I don't know. Maybe it's too much to ask. But maybe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just came back from watching the movie 'Ender's Game'. I read the book. The movie isn't good. It's like cliff notes from the book. The bigoted author of Ender's Game really understands how to tell a story. Thinking about that is what brought this on. I guess that i just lack that story structure instinct. I can recognize it, but I just can't get myself to replicate it... And that kind of sucks.</span>Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-63969570039565728752013-09-05T00:31:00.000-07:002013-09-05T00:31:42.700-07:00I have officially lost my ability to have original thoughts. Here is how I know.<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Ok, I don't want to sound dramatic but I just realized that I'm
losing my ability to have original thoughts and my life is over! I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Yes, I'm losing my ability to have original thoughts, but my life
isn't over. It just feels like it's over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">This realization stems from the fact that
2 years ago I started thinking about writing my next book under the name
Cristian YoungMiller. Over 2 years I've laid in bed at night kicking around
ideas. And then when I think I have it and I go to write it, I immediately get
writer's block and I realize that I haven’t finished flushing out the idea
enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I can almost deal with that, though. What
is killing me is that what I do have isn't particularly original. Yeah, the
whole concept is kind of original, but there are no alcoholic, verbally abusive
penises in this story. There are no masturbating, fruit headed children. It
isn't even a brilliant channeling of deep inner pain to literary allegory like
in Samurai Zombie Hunter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">All I’ve come up with is a story about a girl that wishes out of
her life and ends up in the body of an alien who was dealing with the most
difficult thing in her alien life before she requested escape from her own
life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Have I really been reduced to this type of story? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Last night I lay in bed trying to think of which of my many pains
and struggles I could weave into the fabric of the story to give it the life
that readers instinctually respond to and I could think of nothing. You know
what I blame this on? Reading. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Did I read fiction before I wrote Happiness Thru the Art of…? No,
I didn’t. In fact I avoided it on purpose. And what resulted is a story, that
someone could look at as a truly original work. But I’ve been “reading” so much
recently that all of it is starting to seep into me. They are adulterating me
with their structure and exploration of personal strife. And the bad thing is that I can’t unread what
I’ve read. It’s there and I can’t get rid of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Say what you want about my ‘Everybody Masturbates’ books, but in
10 years, people will still be buying it. They might even still be buying them
in 20 years. Do you think anyone is going to give a god damn about my new
series 10 minutes after they finish reading it? No chance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And meanwhile I’m reading these books by these authors who have or
will transcended their deaths and yet when I sit and think of why these are good
so I can replicate them, I can’t figure it out. So these books have robbed me
of my ability to freely associate my wild ideas and they bewilder me as to why
they’re good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I imagine that this is a problem that a number of great writers
have. They write their first book and it’s a vomit of all of their original
ideas that have been bottled up for years. People respond to it and they’re
loved for it. But time goes by and they read more and they learn more and their
second book lacks that spark of genius that the first book had. They have educated themselves out of
originality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">You know, this is at the heart of why I truly appreciated Picasso.
Picasso started out learning the basics. He was actually a very talented fine
artist. When I was in Barcelona, I saw a work he did when he was 15 and it
rivaled the paintings done by the best realistic painters of 200 years before
his time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">But he didn’t stay with that style. He lived in a cave with an
artist friend when he was 16 and just painted. And somehow he took everything
he had been taught and then he let it go. He truly thought differently. He let his mind go to crazy places
and the result was he twice reshaped the landscape of art. That is the greatest
representation of genius that I could possibly think of. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Instead, what do I do? I conform. I second guess myself. I learn
more and what I learn makes me worse. It makes me more ordinary and boring. I
have all of these calculated crazy rules like how I have no limit on what I say
on facebook and my blog so that I can loosen up my ability to free associate. And
yet, all it does is make me write a story about a girl, who in a moment of
weakness abandons her little sister, the one person who truly loves her, to the
will of man who had been molesting her for years. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Is this seriously the best that I can do? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">All I can think of is that I’m pathetic. This story is crap. And
unless I can figure out some inner demon that I can expunge into the shadows of
this story, or some angle to this story that makes someone do a double take
when I tell them the plot, I’m going to abandon it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Ugh! It makes me disgusted to think of how pathetic and awful that
story is. I truly have lost the heart of me. And now, all I have left is all of
the superficial things about me that diminish even as I type this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I have to stop this here. I am now too upset to continue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-37417204102578661452013-06-17T01:46:00.002-07:002013-06-17T01:46:43.485-07:00Today I started a new business and this one is kind of awesome!Today I started a new business. It all started about 6 weeks ago with the convergence of 3 events. The first event was when my lovely publishing assistant/project manager decided to go back to school. She was still willing to work for me at the same time. But she's a friend and I could tell that she was overwhelmed, so I started doing everything myself again. I thought about hire someone else, but whoever I hire, I have to trust with financial info. That limits my options greatly.<br />
<br />
The second event happened around the same time. I was at a friend's birthday party and I was talking to someone I know. They were telling me how they wanted to create software for authors. He didn't know what that software was, but he mentioned how he was planning on coming up with the perfect software idea. Having had a few drinks, I immediately told him he was doing it wrong. I told him that he needed to come and watch me work and then figure out how he could make my publishing life easier. He thought that my idea was better so he asked me if he could call me the following Monday to chat more about it. I told him he could.<br />
<br />
I always like to be prepared for everything I do, so on that Monday I decided to put some time into coming up with ideas that I could tell this guy. I came up with 2 very solid ideas that would make my publishing life a lot easier. I sent them over to him suggesting that we chat. He never got back to me. He was drinking at the time, so I just assumed that while talking to me, he was writing a check that his courage couldn't cash.<br />
<br />
But as I drudged through my added administrative work, I really started thinking about the ideas that I sent to the guy. I decided that I really wanted software that could do these things. So having some extra money to invest, I posted the job on a web developer site and found a software developer. I told him what I wanted and he quoted me a reasonable price. I put him to work.<br />
<br />
But as soon as I hired him, I started thinking about what else I currently do which would be better, and more easily done by a piece of software. They were things like updating my website and creating newsletters. Those things help me to sell more books, but it takes hours every week and is very tedious. And because they are tedious, reality is that my site is never up-to-date and I don't always send out the newsletters announcing my new releases. By neglecting those duties, I am pretty much leaving money on table. So I figured, why not expand my software to do that for me as well.<br />
<br />
This is when I started thinking, 'well, if I would find this software useful, then wouldn't other self-publishing authors?' I went back and forth on this quite a bit. The reason is because my publishing company is unique. I have to manage 170 titles which include working with 7 translators in 6 different languages. This means that I have different business requirements than your average author. And if I just sold the system to medium sized book publishers, I wouldn't sell very many. The authors that publish 4 or 5 titles a year are the ideal market. What I was designing would be overkill for those authors. So I would end up spending a lot of money trying to reach a market, when my market wouldn't be very large to begin with.<br />
<br />
This was when a third event happened. I had hired a web development company for another website I have. They did a horrible job and I fired them. In turn, they hacked my server and deleted all of the files for <a href="http://rememberthebahamas.com/">RememberTheBahamas.com</a>, my retail website that sells products from the Bahamas.<br />
<br />
I had the website files backed up on my laptop, so I just re-uploaded the site. But it started me thinking about <a href="http://rememberthebahamas.com/">RememberTheBahamas.com</a>. I started that company 6 years ago with my mother. But 7 months ago, my mother left the business. Since she used to ship many of the products out from the Bahamas, I had to discontinue about 100 products (80% of my inventory). The site was designed many years ago and the site was hard to deal with, so I never really took the products off the site. I thought that this could be a good time to do it.<br />
<br />
The roommate who I had my roommate war with, used to design websites for a living and he told me about WordPress. It sounded like the right fit for <a href="http://rememberthebahamas.com/">Rememberthebahamas.com</a> and I always thought that I would research it more if I ever had to redesign the site. Now was that time, and I decided that I would figure how I could use WordPress to build the new <a href="http://rememberthebahamas.com/">RememberTheBahamas.com</a>.<br />
<br />
It took a while to learn but I did it. And once I figured it out, I liked the whole ecosystem for selling WordPress Plugins. Basically, if a person wants to create a website, they can do it on WordPress for free. But if you want to do something special like create an eCommerce site, you have to pay for a webstore plugin. If you then wanted to ask your customers to join your mailing list right before checkout, there was another plugin you could buy to do that. It's really a great system. It's very consumer friendly.<br />
<br />
That's when the idea for my new venture started coming together. I was batting around the idea of selling the new publishing software, but I didn't want to have to create a website and convince authors, who are really tech-ignorant to learn it. But most authors with websites have WordPress websites. So if I create this software to work with WordPress, I would have a whole ecosystem to sell within that authors are already familiar with.<br />
<br />
That's when I had the idea of breaking my software up into different modules (or plugins). If an author just wanted to manage their books and advertising links, they could just get the first module. If they then wanted to have their website updated automatically with their new titles, they could get the website module. If they wanted to use it to automatically create their newsletters, they could buy the Newsletter module. Each would be sold separately, and the author wouldn't have to learn anything new to do it.<br />
<br />
Even with this realization, though, there were still 3 things that made me hesitant. I wasn't actually sure who would own this software after it was done. Would I or the developer? Another issue was that the developer was currently creating a desktop app and not something that could easily be turned into a WordPress plugin. And third, I still wasn't sure if authors would want to buy this.<br />
<br />
But I was chatting with the most successful self-publishing author I know. She had mentioned that she had just hired her first assistant. I decided to mention to her that I was creating my first digital assistant, and I told her what the software would do. Without hesitating for a second, she asked me if I was going to be selling it to others, hinting that she would want to buy a copy. Granted, she would also qualify as a medium sized publisher, but her quick reply, gave me a little confidence that others would want the software.<br />
<br />
The other 2 questions were answered today. I have actually been having a lot of problems in getting stage 1 done. There are problems that I shouldn't be having. Every time my developer has sent me the latest draft, it has been riddled with errors. I didn't understand why, because at its heart, the software is pretty standard. It's just what I'm using it for that's unique.<br />
<br />
But these errors have been going on for 4 weeks, until finally on Friday he was one function from being done. I was doing a final check of the software when I noticed this glitch. He told me it would be fixed in an hour. An hour turned to 4. 6 hours later I got an email saying that he needed to think about this seemingly simple fix over night. I didn't hear from him all of the next day, so I emailed him this morning. He explained to me that this simple fix, can't be fixed. This function is something super basic, so I decided to call him to discuss it.<br />
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It was then that he told me what the problem was. It turns out that when he first advised me about making it a desktop app instead of a web based app, he made mistake. If this was a web based app, like something that could easily be turned into a WordPress plugin, it would have been done in a week. The desktop app software he was working with was made by Microsoft, but was free and hence, filled with errors.<br />
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That's when I asked him how hard it would be to turn it into something I could sell on WordPress. He told me that not only would it be easy, but it would solve all of our error problems. I then asked him if we could next build the website module and newsletter module so that we could sell them separately. He said that it wouldn't be a problem. So that answered that question.<br />
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The only question I had left was who would own this software once we were done. This was something I had to dance around. At one point I suggest that "we" could develop it. And his response kind of gave me my answer. He told me about 3 other apps that he had developed for others. They paid him, and he developed it. His client then sold it in the Android App store and other places. This told me that he was a 'work for hire' guy. Like his other clients, I would owe it.<br />
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So there you have it. We are now using the heart of what he already developed, but he is turning it into a piece of software that users can purchase in the WordPress store to make their publishing life a ton easier. And initially, it will be developed for me. But for only a few hundred dollars more, he will turn it into something that can be sold in the WordPress store.<br />
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I'm making the app anyway, and I suspect it will pay for itself with my increased sales. But I will also be able to sell the software and at least make back my money. Best case scenario is that it gives me an addition passive income for the next few years.<br />
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But there you have it. Today I started a new business. And unlike any of my other companies, it is for something that people actually need, instead of what they want, or don't need at all. It's for something that will help authors make more money, while making their publishing process easier.<br />
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In truth, I'm not looking forward to starting the business as much as I am of having this super cool software that will make my publishing process so much easier. But hopefully, as a friend said, this business will also pay for a house in the hills. From that friend's mouth to god's ear.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-15827137371173057592013-06-07T02:46:00.002-07:002013-06-07T02:46:43.295-07:00My stories are outselling the owner of Amazon's and here is how that fact has changed me.I had a unusual realization just now. I was watching Charlie Rose like usual and Charlie had as a guest the wife of the owner of Amazon.com. She is a novelist and has released a new book. The conversation was interesting, and as an author myself, I like to know what other authors' experiences are like.<br />
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Mckenzie Bezos' passion impressed me. She wanted to be an author since she was 12 and she met Jeff Bezos years before he opened the largest book store in the world. Mckenzie is really passionate about writing. She went to Princeton so that she could be taught by Toni Morrison and she worked on her first novel for 10 years.<br />
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After the interview I couldn't help but go to Amazon and check out her book's ranking. An author's Amazon ranking is basically the measure of an author. It is how we judge each other. That, and the money, are how we keep score.<br />
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Well, what I found out from her ranking is that I have about 4 short stories that are outselling her novel. When I saw that I got a quick rush of satisfaction. But it was only for a second. What followed quickly was a feeling of guilt. I had felt good because I was outselling the wife of the owner of the biggest book store in the world. She had all of the advantages in the world, including promotional opportunities like being on Charlie Rose, and I was outselling her. Some might say that that is a legitimate reason to gloat.<br />
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But the guilt I felt was because, for the first time, I saw being an author in a different way. I've said many times that I don't enjoy writing. I enjoy having written. I'm a story teller and writing is the only way that I can do it. But take a way the billion dollars and Amazon advantages and she is just like me. She desperately wants to write. But more than me, she lives and breathes it. She is so passionate about it.<br />
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And staring at her book ranking, I suddenly saw her, not as part owner of Amazon, but as an author who is struggling to capture the heart and imagination of readers. In the core of her being, it doesn't matter if her family is worth a billion dollars, because no amount of money will truly satisfy her soul like the chance to make someone laugh or cry from reading her words. And having the opportunity to make someone laugh or cry is not a life experience that you can buy.<br />
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Her internal measure of self is exactly the same as the poorest of my author friends. We all write for similar reasons and because I am currently succeeding at it more than someone else, isn't something to gloat about. It doesn't seem right to point at another author, who wants nothing more than to enrich someone else's life and put them down because they haven't figured out how to accomplish this generous act of spirit. I'm naturally competitive, but suddenly competing about how successful you've been at taking someone on a journey of imagination, just seems wrong.<br />
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I think, from this point forward, I'm going to pull back on how often I tell people that I'm an international bestselling author. I know that I bring it up so often, and so quickly, because I struggled for so long. But somehow, after watching that interview with a struggling author who wants to write for all of the correct reasons, I feel that I need to show a little more quiet gratitude. She's not out trying to crush the competition like her husband. Her greatest satisfaction in life comes from bringing other people joy. That is at the heart of being an author. Because I am who I am and have gone through what I have, I never truly understood that humble desire before. But I do now.<br />
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I make my living as an author. There are those that are moved by my work. It doesn't matter how many or why they're moved. I have been granted unrestricted access to the imagination of people. It is almost a sacred act if you think about it. And for that, I am grateful.<br />
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And in the wee hours of this quiet night, I wish my brotherhood of authors, including Mrs. Bezos, the same privilege that I have been granted. Being an author isn't a competition; it's a connection. And as long as you're able to financially sustain yourself, it isn't the masses that matter, it's the connection you make with one individual. That individual is the person that is reading your book. Nothing else really matters. I learned that tonight and I'm glad that I did.<br />
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It was a good interview. I think that watching it has made me a different person.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-85128395320331469582013-05-16T01:45:00.001-07:002013-05-16T01:45:12.437-07:00The Days of My Life Having Value Might Not Be OverI can say without reservation or ego that at the heart of who I am, I am a person that wants to help people better understand themselves and life, and to help people feel better about themselves. That was who I was when I was 14 and it's who I am today. I think that one of the reasons that I began writing was as a way to fulfill that purpose. Writing was my forum for helping people.<br />
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A lot of things have changed over the years, though. My bright-eyed openness of spirit has really dimmed. Looking back on it, it wasn't even real event that closed my open heart. It was my perception of reality. Looking back on it, my reality was pretty great (comparatively speaking), but I couldn't escape my expectations and interpretations of my life. And it wore me down. It batted me around. And as a result, I am now only a shadow of the good person that I used to be.<br />
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Still though, at my core, I am a person who wants to help people. So now I do it in less grandiose ways. Perhaps I only help my friends to understand their life better. Perhaps, I teach a relative something that gives them a sense of empowerment. I'm always looking for the opportunities and I usually take them when my greatly diminished generosity of spirit allows me.<br />
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In the last few years, though, I've had a couple of opportunities to change literally thousands of lives. I'm grateful for those opportunities. I released a couple of YouTube videos that according to the comments, really shaped the way people viewed themselves. And my 'Everybody Masturbates' books have been a surprising positive influence on a couple hundred lives.<br />
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I say all of that because, I think that today, I might have been able to once again 'do good'. At this moment in my life, I am an erotica author. That's all I am. I'm not the greatest or most successful, but I am an international bestseller. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful to be that. But my job is simply to get people to masturbate. I accept that my life doesn't have much social value at this point.<br />
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Granted, I have received a few really wonderful emails from fans that have been very emotionally moved by my erotic stories. And granted, I have had a few fans tell me how my stories have played a role in gaining a greater sense of intimacy with their spouse. And, for that, again, I'm grateful. But hey, when I set out in this life, I had visions of reshaping the world, so, needless to say, I have fallen pretty far from the person that I was and who I was hoping to be.<br />
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But I say all of that to say that today, I think that I did something special. Today, while outlining my next erotica story, I think that I came up with something that is "good". It's subtle. And anyone that knows me knows I don't do subtle very well. But this is and this is a greater good.<br />
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Outlining the story, it was like I could put myself in the mind of my readers. There, I could feel the way the reader's view of herself could change. I hit "it" with this story. Yes, the story is just as likely to make the reader masturbate as the other books in this series. But this one is special. This erotic story has the potential to reshape the way the reader looks at herself. It's a good thing. I'm really proud of it.<br />
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Compared to any author whose name you know, I don't sell very many books. I make my living from being prolific. So, it's not like very many people will read the story. But for the first time in a while, I think that I am once again doing good. And that feels good. It makes me believe that perhaps the remainder of my life might be of use to someone past myself and the people immediately around me. And perhaps I have an opportunity to be "good" even as I work really hard to get people to get themselves off. I have to admit, that would be a nice thing.<br />
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And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about anything. I have been lucky enough to do enough good for a life time. I could die now and be assured that my life has been an incredible net positive. So I know that I should just be grateful for that. But it certainly feels nice that perhaps my days of helping to change people's lives isn't all behind me. So today was a good day for me. Yep, today was a really good day.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-41772792112785286852013-04-03T23:45:00.000-07:002013-04-03T23:45:10.644-07:00Crazy Author Self Doubt: Take Two<br />
So, it took me 3 hours before I forgot about how much I liked what I just wrote and started to think that it sucks. Well, it's not that it sucks, because it does achieve all of the goals I set for it. It's funny. It's exciting. It's emotional deep. It has flushed-out characters.<br />
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Those aren't the problems. It's that it probably references sex way too much for network TV. Hmm, well, I just watched the pilot of 'How to Live with your Parents'. So maybe it's possible that it doesn't mention sex too much for a network show. But maybe it mentions sex too much for a show about zombies. Or more precisely, maybe there are too many jokes about sex in a show about zombies. And to think that I cut back on the sexual references from the novel... or did I?<br />
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I have to say that this is really feeling more like Buffy the Vampire slayer than The Walking Dead. I think that is a huge mistake. I guess it isn't quite like Buffy, but it has a hint of it. It's more like 'Royal Pains' with zombies and samurai swords. Or 'Bones' with zombies and samurai swords. It's kind of like a hybrid of drama and comedy.<br />
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Normally I would say that that's great. I love those types of shows. But 'know thy audience'. It's more like 'Smallville' with humor and sex or hmm... I'm not sure.<br />
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Maybe I shouldn't be the one to write the pilot. All I did was turn the book into a pilot. Ok, maybe that's what I was supposed to do, but I'm not sure if that was the correct decision. Maybe I should do a pass on it where I strip out all of the sexual references and most of the humor. Maybe I should just try to keep it at one joke per episode.<br />
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You know what channels would like this the way I wrote it? MTV. It would fit perfectly with Teen Wolf. Man it would fit well. Or maybe BBC America. USA or TNT might go for it as well. They all love those dramedies. This is absolutely a dramedy.<br />
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As I think about it, 'Brothers and Sisters' and GCB were dramedies on ABC Sunday night. Both had a lot of sexual references. Once Upon a Time is a fantasy show on Sunday night and could possibly have similar audiences as SZH... maybe.<br />
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Or maybe I'm over thinking this. What I wrote is absolutely an adaption of the novel into a procedural It's well written and exciting. It sets up a series well and has interesting plot possibilities. I did what I was supposed to do.<br />
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Ah screw it. I need to re-read this. Maybe there isn't as much sex and I'm thinking there is.<br />
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Maybe I should just stick to Romance where I just got the most awesome reviews recently. The review I got yesterday said "<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I loved it. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I went on an emotional journey. I felt the story was a bit fantasy, reality and love."</span> A review I got last week said "<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">It was amazing! It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time I was reading it! I just hope that there will be a part two to their story! Love his books!" And these are for erotica! I'll repeat that, they're for EROTICA!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Hmm, Ok, so maybe I'm sounding a little desperate quoting my reviews to make myself feel better. Man up, Cristian! They all can't be winners. We all fail. I guess it's just tough when you feel that you are doing something that you yourself would advise someone not to do, because you actually know better.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Crap! I'm gonna put in my audiobook and go to bed. That's enough obsessing for one night. </span><br />
Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-25235946154288439252013-04-01T01:42:00.000-07:002013-04-01T01:42:05.165-07:00How Writers go InsaneI think that anyone who really knows me would say that I'm not the model of sanity. And I'm sure that anyone who has read a couple of my books could probably pick that out as well. Thinking about in now, I can't tell you if I went out to have a pretty insane life, or if this just happened. I do remember thinking that I didn't ever want to be boring. So maybe this is all by choice.<br />
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But this weekend was pretty friggin' wild. I definitely had a memory that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. And it's one of those things that makes me question how good of a person I am. I'm hoping that I still count as a good person, but really, who knows at this point.<br />
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Anyway, I think that I have been put in a introspective mood because of 2 reasons: I'm writing the pilot for Samurai Zombie Hunter on Monday and writing my thought provoking stories always makes me a little introspective. And secondly, I had to re read that book of mine for the first time in 2 years. I really didn't want to, but I did.<br />
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Boy, there's no need to wonder whether or not I have a writers voice. Damn! So passive aggressive that voice is. There's so much anger hidden under a thin veil of wit. And certainly I know why it reads so bitterly. I was experiencing thinly veiled anger when I wrote it. I lashed out as so many groups under the guise of humor so often in that book.<br />
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And even as I read it and knew that I could probably never match that voice again, I knew that I would be again revisiting that story. Certainly a TV pilot doesn't have to be so full of feeling as a book does. But I feel like I should do justice to the original story because the sentiment behind that book is genuine and pure.<br />
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Examining this whole thing makes me think about all of the crazy that I've experienced in my life and how it feeds my writing. Seriously, I wrote a book called Happiness Thru the Art of Penis Enlargement and yes on the surface it was broad humor, but it contained so much heart felt pain. Samurai Zombie Hunter was at times laugh out loud funny, but god damn if it didn't contain pain.<br />
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That type of pain doesn't just appear out of thin air. The author has to live it and then digest it and then regurgitate it. I read the stories that I write and I really don't like what it says about my life. But on the other hand, how does a person write anything worth reading if it doesn't have that level of emotional depth. Must writers suffer so that everyone else can have a few hours of entertainment?<br />
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Well, my life is officially insane. Yes, in someone ways, my life is more amazing that anyone can imagine. I am not overstating it when I say that I have been the subject of miracles. And not spiritual/psychic ones either, although I've had my share of cool things on that topic too. My life is just insane and it doesn't seem to be wanting to level out.<br />
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And then on the other hand, how is my life this insane and my non-erotica books not tremendously better sellers. The quality of emotional experiences that I have to draw from are far more than any writer needs to write a great book. Why have I been unable to write that hit?<br />
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I have to admit that a part of this tirade comes out of my experience reading Samurai. After the second chapter I remembered a review that I got for it. The person said that I was clearly a talented writer, but SZH wasn't "it". He finished the review by saying "Maybe the next one, Mr Young Miller."<br />
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It wasn't a mean review, but it was definitely... hmmm... it's hard to put it into words. But I kept thinking, wait, he's saying that I'm talented, which is an incredibly huge compliment, but he's saying that this book didn't hit the mark. So how does he know I'm talented if this is the only book of mine that he's read, but he didn't think that this one hit the mark? That review surfaces to my consciousness often, actually.<br />
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But after reading the first 2 chapters of SZH, I understood it. It's been 2 years since I've read it, so although I know where the story's going, I can't completely remember the details of how I got there. And at one point I pulled the book away from my face and just allowed a thought to flow through me. I was a little blown away by how well I had told a huge chunk of the story. It flowed perfectly. It flowed in a way that can't be taught, and I'm not sure if I could replicate it. It was really good. But I read further and although it was still good, it wasn't at the same level as that section.<br />
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I finally understood that review. In fact, as I read further, I began to understand all of my reviews. I could see how some could love and some could hate the book. It is so stylized. I didn't mean for it to be that stylized. In fact, I've read so little fiction that I wouldn't know to try to make it that stylized. I just felt the turmoil I was feeling and let loose. And now, here I am trying to do that again, but this time being conscious of what I've done before.<br />
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On a good note though, I am a much better technical writer than I was back then. I've read and edited about 55 short stories since I wrote SZH. I did things in that book that I now chastise my ghostwriters for doing. My erotica boot camp seems to have worked tremendously well.<br />
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Anyway, to sum up, my life is insane. I'm a crazy writer that has no control over that thing that seems to make my writing the most interesting. But over all, I do currently possess one of the greatest lives I could imagine. Will I one day be found dead in the back woods somewhere? I would take those odds. But god damn, I will have truly lived by the time that happens.<br />
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Now, tomorrow, I put my head down, and I write again. I wonder what will come out of me this time.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-57773181586012179162013-01-30T01:07:00.002-08:002013-01-30T01:07:25.637-08:00It might be time to start writing againIt's been a long time since I've written anything on this blog. I've been very busy in the interim. I've written a lot of erotica, perhaps 60+ stories. And I've become an international bestselling erotica author. Sounds cool, right? Well, I have to say that it is. I never imagined that this could be my life and some how I got lucky and it is.<br />
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But I've decided to return to this blog because it might be time for me to start writing again. I just watched an episode of Charlie Rose where he interviewed an author. This author was getting praise for a book of short stories and it got me thinking. Nothing he was saying seemed applicable to what I do, but it felt familiar enough that it sparked something in me.<br />
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I guess there was one thing he said that rang true. He said that you can't plan success, you have to just do and let what you create be what it is. Perhaps that's what I needed to hear. I'm being ambitious with this next story. It's a set of 5 books with the most ambitious goals. But if I just do and let it be whatever it's going to be, it certainly removes a lot of pressure to get everything perfect before I start.<br />
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I have to say that what is also offering me encouragement to start is the fact that my mother recently read my work for the 1st time. She read my story 'Everybody Masturbate... for Girls'. And then she read 'Run from the Reaper'. I never really thought about what my mother would think about my writing. I, of course, wanted her to like it. I guess I'm under the impression that no one ever likes my work. I know it's crazy seeing the fact that that's how I make my living, but it's true.<br />
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But it was more than just the fact that she liked it, it was how she responded to me once she finished reading it. The way she explained to me that she liked it was almost as if she was surprised that she like it so much. I am a grown man who lives a very independent life, but I kind of want to write my next story because I would like to give my mother something that she might enjoy reading.<br />
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I said a while ago that I was going to write this group of stories as a series of short stories. Maybe it's just because I've become so comfortable with the format. But there's also something to writing short stories. In short stories you have to start off quickly, make your writing concise, and end with something interesting happening. If I'm not mistaken, that is how a lot of popular authors structure their chapters.<br />
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So instead of me starting off the story as I would generally do it or how most authors do, I'm going to start the story right in the middle of the action. I found that my erotica readers much prefer when you start with sex. I understand why, the sex is why you are reading the story, and sex is interesting. So why not start a sci-fi story with the most interesting part of your sci-fi happening 1st. Why not open the book with something that drags the reader in with such ferocity that there is nothing the reader can hold onto to resist being sucked into the adventure.<br />
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Anyway, just thought that I would mention that I will be writing my 1st short story in this very long series of short stories. I'm not even thinking about how many of them there will be. But what I'm thinking about is that this 1st short story is going to be really fun and really awesome to write. And, to be honest, I'm kind of excited about having my mother read it. I'm hoping she likes it. And I have to say that now that I know who my audience is, it is going to be really ease to make choices about what I will be writing next.<br /><br />Here goes nothing.<br />
Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-13900844238976163492012-08-27T03:07:00.000-07:002013-04-01T01:48:07.156-07:00I found out why I'm only doing moderately well as a writerA year ago I was as depressed as I had ever been in my life. I was writing book after book and barely anyone was buying them. I was very proud of them. They were funny or they talked about an aspect of life that no one else was talking about. But ultimately not enough people were moved by them.<br />
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I then posted on my Facebook page my idea about trying out erotica. I was hesitant because I thought that it would make me a pornographer. I figured that I was smart and I would be wasting my intelligence writing crap. Fast forward a year and I'm making more per month than my starting salary at my last corporate job. After I realized that there was money to be made, making more than my last corporate job's starting salary was my goal.<br />
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That, however, couldn't be enough. I started to realize what other people were making, and I realized that I wasn't doing that well at all. I was working extremely hard and it really wasn't paying off as it could be. And the outlet that was really under performing was the largest retailer in the world.<br />
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Last week when I started to lose my good vibes about how great my life is, I decided that I needed to do something drastic. I would take my last 8 stories and I would enter them into Amazon's Select Lending program. What that allowed me to do is offer them up for free all at once. Offering your books for free actually gets your name out there and it also puts your books into the 'Also Bought' section on other books. If your book has a good title, cover and blurb, the also bought section will sell a ton of your books.<br />
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What I thought was that either my books will pick up, or I will finally have proof that my writing is poor. The free period is now over and I learned something that I never expected. I know why my books haven't been selling and it has nothing to do with my writing.<br />
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Of the 8 books I released for free, 4 books are a combination of various sub-genres that I've been writing in since I began. The other 4 books fall into the sub-genre that the average American woman might enjoy. Readers picked up 3 times as many of the average American woman stories than the other books. They fell into 2 very grouped clusters that were separated by 40 places on the top 100 free books chart.<br />
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I then thought about the books of the latest author to reach $12K a month. I have done about 40 stories, 20 translations and 20 audiobooks. She has done 20 ebooks. That's it. But all of her books fall within the average American woman story parameters. I then thought about all of the other successful authors. They are all successful because of books that they wrote for the average American woman. I know why I haven't been successful! I think I knew this before, but I didn't KNOW it.<br />
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I learned a few other things. I got 2 reviews for my books this weekend. 1 person gave it 4 stars saying that there was a lot about it that she liked and then listed them. The other one thought that the story would have worked better if it were longer or a quickie. That person gave me 2 stars. What I took from these is that my quality of writing is just as good as those who are doing well.<br />
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The guy who gave the bad review also commented saying that the titles are "great". Believe it or not, that's half of the challenge with selling stories. I know the covers are good, so the blurb is the only thing still up for debate. But 2 out of 3 is pretty good. I don't think that I have to worry about that aspect of their presentation.<br />
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So, what I have learned from this experiment is that my writing quality is good, my titles are great and that the reason I haven't been selling more is because I was writing in the wrong sub-genre. I'm actually not sure if my experiment will result in increased sales of my books. That was the purpose of the experiment. But Amazon has dramatically changed their Select program since the person who originally used this technique used it to leapfrogged me in sales. It could fall flat for me.<br />
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But the most important thing for me is that I now have a direction. I know that if I can write 16 to 26 more stories in this new sub-genre, I will be moving a ton of books by the time I'm done. If for the rest of the year I could release 4 books a month, then I will hit that target by Christmas. That would mean one hell of a Christmas season for me. I could potentially reach my long term goal of $10K per month. I know it's a big number, but now I finally see it as possible.<br />
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On a separate note, I'm going surfing on Friday. I remember when I was kid, there were kids in my school that would go surfing. I went windsurfing, but it wasn't the same. I think windsurfing is cooler and more sporty, but I always thought of surfing as this otherworldly thing. Now, on Friday, I get to see what it's all about and I'm doing it with someone that I will have a great time with. That's pretty awesome.<br />
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After that, I am going kayaking. That is something else that a kid from my high school used to do. This time though, as soon as I found out that the kid was doing it, I wanted to try it. It only took me 18 years to get around to it. I'm very excited about that as well.<br />
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I have to admit, life is pretty great right now. It is exactly what I want. I remember a few months ago saying aloud what I wanted to make my life complete. I wanted 2 specific types of people to enter my life to fill in a few gaps that I felt I had in my life. Crazy enough, I got exactly that. And the way that it all came about was with such coincidence that it once again reaffirms for me that there is more to life than what we see. I again have no doubt about it.<br />
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Oh, speaking of there being more to life, I had an idea recently about how I could start working on my YA novel without committing to it. This is kind of weird, but I thinking about writing SciFi erotica. That's not the weird part, because many people write it. The weird part is that I'm think about using the stories to help me hammer out the worlds that I will use in the YA novels. They would be erotic prologues to books for 14 year old girls. See, I told you it was weird.<br />
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They would never be marketed together though. No one would probably ever know that they exist in the same universe. And these stories would be how the main character in the YA novels was conceived. I would use the same name for the planets and characters that would only be brief references in the YA books, and it would be from the same story telling universe. The experiment would also allow me test out the worlds and see if readers respond to them.<br />
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Well, that's it for me. It's amazing how far my life has come in a year. A year ago, I would have wished that I would be right where I am now, but I didn't suspect that I actually would be. Now the question is; Where will I be in another years time? Will I be making $10K a month or making even less than now? I might not even be here. Who knows. I guess that we'll find out in a year.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-16975429351390317022012-07-31T02:06:00.000-07:002012-07-31T02:06:03.339-07:00My Latest Focus: Love and MoneyI have been having motivational issues about writing my kids book, so this morning I decided to shut off my phone and just write undistracted until I was done. I wrote about 1000 words and then stopped. It didn't work. But thinking about it tonight I realized something, I don't have motivational issues. I don't think I can actually remember a time within the last few years when I've had motivational issues. Every time I thought I had motivational issues toward writing a book, it always turned out to be one thing; the story hadn't finished percolating in my brain yet. I didn't want to start writing because my subconscious knew that something very important wasn't in place yet.<div>
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I think that's what's going on now. Although I thought that I had all of the information to start writing, clearly I don't. This is how I feel when I'm not quite ready to start writing. And because this is the case I will stop. I don't think that I can think about any sort of time table anymore. Sadly, writing is more of an art than I like to admit that it is. And sadly, you can't rush art. If I never get to a particular book or story, then that's the way life goes. </div>
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I had a very interesting conversation about writing the other night. This guy told me that he had an idea for a book and tried to write it. He said that he couldn't. It wasn't that he didn't have the desire. It was that he couldn't figure out how to fill in all of the moments between major plot points. He just couldn't give his characters the filler moments where readers get to understand who the characters are.</div>
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After explaining this to me and then I sought a better understanding, he said to me, "Let me be the first one to tell you that what you have is a talent. Not everyone can do what you do. Writing is a talent."</div>
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That really came as a shock to me because part of the reason I have such a disrespect for writing and writers is because I feel that everyone can do it. There has never been a time when I couldn't do it and I assume that the rest of the world is exactly the same way. The difference I see between me and those that don't do it, is their level of motivation.</div>
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But maybe there's more to it than that. Maybe there's talent involved with writing. Maybe what I do is special. I read these reviews where readers refer to me as talented and I just don't understand what they're talking about. Maybe they aren't just writing things because they want to be liked. Maybe they are referring to something real. </div>
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In any case, tomorrow I am going to put the '10 Things' kids book aside until my mind is ready to write it. Clearly I'm not ready to tackle that book for some reason and I will trust my subconscious on this one. Instead I'm going to work on book 2 of one of my erotica stories. The last short story I wrote has turned out to be my best selling book in a while if not ever. That fact demands a book 2. I will write 4 books total and hopefully it will continue to sell well.</div>
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On a separate note, my roommate has given me a time tomorrow that he will be moving his stuff. I think this is real. I will get my office back. It's been about 8 years but I'm once again will be alone and free. I'll see how I react.</div>
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Again on a separate note, I'm stuck in a dilemma. I think that I might have to tinker with my neurochemicals again. The vitamin D really fixed the whole dopamine insensitivity issue that I had. Now I barely feel the need to jump out of planes or speed my motorcycle down the center of traffic. (FYI, the plane flying and scuba diving was more driven from the fact that they were super cool things to do.) The meditation that I've been doing has definitely raised the level of oxytocin in my body hence making me more satisfied with life. </div>
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However there still seems to be something that's missing. I haven't felt like I was in love with someone in a long time. I haven't even felt like I was in lust with a particular person in years. Could it just be that I have gotten jaded in my later years? Or could I be what some have suggested in jest, that I'm dead inside indicated by the fact that the sight of a baby doesn't create an emotional response in me at all.</div>
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I have always been tweaking my levels of testosterone. Maybe I should increase my testosterone further and also increase my circulating amount of dopamine. I've seemed to have gotten everything to a point where I feel pretty great lately, but I think I can feel even better. </div>
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As I think about it, this could be linked to my gnawing feeling that I really need to get a great massage. Like the way we crave a particular food when we're deficient in it, my craving to get a massage could me my subconscious telling me that a particular neurochemical has fallen out of balance. I wonder if the body actually does that with neurochemicals? If it does, then getting a massage is not going to solve my problem, whatever it is. What I will need is a constant stream of whatever neurochemical I'm craving. Hmm... I wonder which one it could be? </div>
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I guess that getting that massage and then analyzing and classifying the dominant sensation afterwards is the only way to really find out. And since my roommate does seem to be moving, I guess I will soon get to find out. Yay for sensual healing.</div>Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-37311359831375323772012-07-30T02:33:00.000-07:002012-07-30T02:33:36.170-07:00Sensual Healing as a Cure for what Ails MeAfter long last, my roommate told me that he is moving out. There is a large part of me that doesn't believe him. The last thing he said to me in person was that he was going to live here and not pay me rent. After that he texted me a question about getting his deposit back if he could find a place at the end of the month. A couple days later he texted me saying that "It looks like it will happen" and asked again about the deposit. First I thought that it meant that he was moving, but after thinking about it, I realized how vague he was. He never really gave me notice. I don't think the psychological war has ended yet.<br />
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Having to prepare for both scenarios, I have to give thought to living in my place by myself. On a positive note, I will definitely be having much more sex. On a negative note, I will have to cover all of the expenses by myself. Can I afford it? Yes. But that means that I won't have as much expendable income as I used to.<br />
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Will I still be able to make my Mexico surfing trip this year? I don't know. I know that I could if I devote myself to writing erotica for the rest of the year. If I really devoted myself to it, I could double my income by Jan 1st 2013. But what that means is that I would have to not have a life again. And I would have to not write my non-erotica books.<br />
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I know I had this internal debate just a few days ago, but here I am again. This time the motivation is losing a person who is sharing my rent. I knew that I would be back here when it finally happened and like I suspected, I don't know what I will do.<br />
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I guess another motivation for me to devote myself to erotica for the rest of the year is that I, once again, would like to retreat from life. Sure I've been having a great time engaging in life, but losing myself in one of my obsessive behaviors has always been my answer for everything whenever something unpleasant has happened to me. Unfortunately something unpleasant has happened to me, and adding to it the fact that I will be shouldering all of my expenses, gives me a great excuse to retreat.<br />
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Thinking about it, maybe instead of retreating into my work, what I instead need is some sort of sensual experience. I either need to spend some time in a very good Jacuzzi, get a really great massage or have some awesome sex. I'm starting to again have that feeling where my skin feels like it's on fire and I need something to counteract it. It happens whenever I experience an isolating disappointment. Sadly, my meditation is no longer working like it used to. On top of that (or maybe it's because of it) I'm feeling very distracted as well.<br />
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Maybe I'll set that as my goal for this week. I have been needing a massage for a while now. So if my roommate leaves, I'm going to celebrate by getting me a little sensual healing. You know what? That is exactly what I'm going to do. Hmm... this week has just gotten a little brighter and more exciting.<br />
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<br />Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-49283537530627269272012-07-20T04:37:00.001-07:002012-07-20T04:49:34.410-07:00I finally see myself for who I am and I'm OK with itWhen you are confronted with something that you fear, how do you react? I have managed to nobly face fear in the last few years. I've never feared much, but certainly there were definitely times when insecurity gripped me.<br />
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I have thought a lot about my current self doubt. It really is quite unusual for me. If you know me at all, you would know that I am generally over confident. I don't doubt myself and I tend to charge into what others turn away from. That isn't by chance. It is by design. I have always been taught fear is the opposite of spiritual enlightenment. So whenever I could, I looked fear in the eyes and walked toward it. That certainly isn't the case in all areas, but recently it has been true even in the areas that I too used to walk away from.</div>
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Keeping this in mind, today I thought that how unusual my self doubt has been. So what I did was what I often do when I can gain enough perspective on a topic. I asked myself, if someone else came to me explaining exactly what I'm going through, what would I say to them. What came out surprised me.</div>
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What I would say to myself if I were to elicit my own advice is, "Cristian, what you are experiencing is nothing more than fear. Think about it, has there been any time in your life when you made the choice of money over contributing to society?" And if I asked myself that, the answer would be no. Even when I was at my low points I still chose to remain focused on my goal. Even when I was offered jobs that others only dreamed about, I passed them up in order to stay on my path. Even when the money was really good, I walked away so that the vision that I had at 17 could be realized. "So what has changed now?" I think I would ask myself.</div>
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I think what has changed is that for the first time I am incredibly close to having what I've always wanted. This is the life I imagined back then and when it was easy to see the difference between what I was being offered and where I wanted to be, it was easy to walk away. But now that what I risk losing is everything I've always wanted, it's not so easy to walk away.</div>
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But ultimately I have to ask myself, "What is it that I believe in? Do I believe in this shit or not?" This is the second time I have had to ask myself this in 2 weeks. And hey, there is no way of telling what exists beyond this world, but there is nobility in devoting your life to a principle, even if the basis of that principle turns out not to be true. </div>
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I have had a lot of amazing things happen to me which confirms my beliefs. They seem to be still happening to me. My most recent is recent enough that I shouldn't have to question myself now. So now, after thinking about it, I say that I choose to follow my beliefs. I have never chosen money and security over making the attempt to make the world a better and easier place for others and I'm not going to start now. </div>
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I now accept that by stepping away from erotica, I will lose money. I accept that I could, some how, lose my momentum and I could lose the easy life that I have finally found. But on my death bed, I don't want my life to be about anything else except how much better I am leaving this world than I found it. I was blessed with a lot of things, and I have always said that the greatest sin in life is to not live up to your potential. </div>
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I have no control over how people will respond to the things I do. Obviously I have done things in the past where I overcame my fears about discussing my sex life and embarrassing moments and I had a greater affect on others than I could ever imagine. And there are times when I have done the same and failed. But one thing is true, if I had decided in either case to remain safe and comfortable, the things that I am now the most proud of, would never have happened. </div>
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So taking all of that into account, just now I finished the final project that I said that I would before I started working on the kids books. I am done with erotica for a while. It is now my time to try to contribute to society in a meaningful and long lasting way. I could horribly fail once again. I could succeed. But ultimately I want my life to be about the pursuit of something more important than money and pleasure. Life is pretty short. Death is infinitely long. I could stand to suffer a little longer if necessary. I don't need more stuff or trips. What I need is to live up to my greatest potential. And for me, living up to my greatest potential is me using my intelligence and life experience in a way that makes life better for others. Hopefully that is what I will achieve with my next few books. I will accept failure if that is my fate. I'm not scared of it any more. Fear never did really look good on me, I've always thought that I looked better in courage. I think I'll slip courage on for a while and remember how that feels. </div>
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And I'm not going to be working on my next projects for the praise from readers. I'm not going to even do it because of some need to gain a sense of purpose. I'm will be writing what I will because, this is who I am. I make attempts to make other people's lives better. This is who I have always been, and that is who I will continue to be until I die. The arrogant narcissistic is no more who I am than the humble sage. I am neither of them. All I am is a guy who does what he believes he was put here to do. I couldn't be anyone else if I tried. I get that now. And with that in mind, I'll get back to work now. Actually, I'll go do some scuba diving this weekend, then I'll get back to work. :-)<br />
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I have found myself again. I feel better now. </div>Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-75827201619445508592012-07-18T23:18:00.001-07:002012-07-18T23:25:55.157-07:0020 Years Later and I'm Now Doubting the Purpose of My LifeI happen to have seen an old blog before writing this. It's title was "I might have made a mistake 20 years ago". I wrote it slightly over a year ago. I remember writing it. It was near my darkest time. I was off unemployment but barely making rent. I wasn't at the worst depressive place that I could be, but it was pretty damn bad.<br />
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The blog was talking about how 20 years ago I was a very spiritual kid that meditated twice a day and was very sure about my future. I had this psychic impression that I had to leave the spiritual path in order to gain life experience. I knew that I was supposed to be a spiritual teacher when I was older, and I was willing to give up anything to become that.<br />
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In the last 20 years some truly hellish things have happened to me. More than once I lost faith in my beliefs as well as god and any sort of purpose to life. I dipped in and out of depression and though I always maintained that fading memory of who I was, I changed.<br />
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What is ironic is that the vision that that 17 year old had for me is where I am now. It's airy and a little surprising. Since I wrote that last year, my life has changed so much. I make my living writing. What I write to make a living is very surprising but every erotic sentence I write, and every wanting protagonist that I create, with every turn of phrase makes me a better writer.<br />
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Since a year ago I have written about 35 short stories. I make what I made as the starting salary of my last corporate job, and I now have the time to write the book that 17 year old envisioned me writing. How did this happen. How did that 17 year old envision this? Or how did I hold onto one vision of my life for so long?<br />
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But here is the thing, I wonder if what I will write will matter. I could just continue to make money. I could write more and more and try to hit 6 figures by the end of the year. I could have more adventure trips and maybe buy a house. I could just play for whatever time I have left in life and I could just turn my back. After all, how real could any of the vision I had for myself be. I may get some good reviews and there may be a few people whose lives are better for having read my books, but are a few strangers' lives worth the heart ache that comes with mediocre sales for a book that you have poured everything you've had into? Is having a profound effect on, what, 20 or 50 people's lives worth it? It certainly doesn't feel like it from where I sit.<br />
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I write erotica and I have people writing me telling me how much they like my stories and asking me when the next one is coming out. 'Samurai Zombie Hunter' was friggin' brilliant, yet 1 guy asked me if I was going to write a sequel. 1 person! If I pour all of my remaining time and passion into this friggin' young adult book and 1 person finds it worthy, then what is the friggin' point? What would be the friggin' point?! I'm starting to think that there isn't one.<br />
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Then again, there are little things that makes me doubt my doubts. I can't deny that things have happened in my life that reaffirms its purpose. How is it that I think that dead people talk to me and then the things that they say come true? How is it that coincidences always so clearly answer the questions that I have presented to "the universe?" How is it that the hurricane thing happened when I was 16 or the psychic thing happened on 9/11? These things did happen and they continue to. And if these things are real, if they continue to pepper my life, then there must be more to life than what we see. And if the 17 year old version of myself saw that greater vision, then how can ignore it.<br />
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The problem is that I've worked friggin' hard my entire life. When did I stop giving and simply enjoy? Who knows how much time I have left. Shouldn't I get to enjoy the fruit of my hard work at some point? And if I don't do it now, will I ever get the chance again. Do I want to put forth the monumental task of writing a series of 5 books when in the end only 1 kid could email me to say, "hey, I got something from your books"? If my life were a novel written by some depressed guy, maybe that one kid would enough, but my life isn't the work of a depress novelist. It's my creation.<br />
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You know what else makes me feel like I can step away and just enjoy my life? I know that I have fundamentally changed the lives of at least 1000 people. I only had about 200 people write me and tell me specifically, but for every person that writes, there has to be at the very least 5 who don't. I'm talking about from the series of youtube videos that I created. I've changed the direction of lots of people's lives. Haven't I done enough? Haven't I already done more than 90% of the people on this planet?<br />
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Yet, what if the reason that I should write this book isn't for some one else, but for myself? What if I need to write these stories for me? What if I'm trying to puff myself up in my own mind by thinking that I'm this great wise person, when the only people that writing these book will ever help is me? And not in some profound spiritual way, but in some basic way like, my simply needing to tell stories. What if I need to write these stories more than the world needs to read them? Jesus, how sad would that be? Fuck! Maybe I'm just some sad little writer that just needs to be heard to justify my life. And if I really step back and think about this logically, that does seem like the more reasonable explanation. Wow, how sad. How heartbreakingly sad.<br />
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On a separate, or maybe related note, my happiness mediation isn't working as well as it used to. I think that I need a massage to recharge it. The mediation is based on remembering what my last hand and foot massage felt like. But it's sort of like what happens when someone keeps rubbing the same spot on your arm, that spot goes numb. My hands and feet have gone numb to the constant remembering of the massages. I think I need to refresh those memories with actually massages. The question is who can I get to give me a massage?<br />
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I think I need to attract someone into my life that likes the idea of giving me massages. I know there are people like this out there. Oh how I remember the Swedish dancer and the other one who inspired my character in 'Happiness Thru the Art of Penis Enlargement'. I wonder if the the universe would hook me up with someone like that again. I wonder how I can make that happen?<br />
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And on news about the roommate wars, the whole thing is about to take a really dark turn. I realize that at this point, I want to win more than I want him out. He did this, though. Instead of just being reasonable, he basically said that I couldn't get him out of my home even if I tried. He challenged me. I would never back down to a challenge like that. I would never back away from a challenge over who controls my life. So now I have to win and I have to pay for my apartment by myself.<br />
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Ya know, I liked having another live body in the apartment; not him, but everyone before him. And there is going to be a lot of pressure for my books to sell once he does move out. And here I am about to devote months of my life to writing some crap, non-selling books. I rarely doubt myself, but I am having doubts right now. I am having doubts.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-5601678697130619672012-06-29T03:33:00.002-07:002012-06-29T03:33:22.351-07:00This is want a near perfect day looks like in my worldToday was a good day. I think I need to acknowledge it and breath it in a little more. Today started out with me stepping up my psychological warfare against my roommate. He isn't a bad guy, but he is a horrible roommate for me. So for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to help him understand that he would be happier somewhere else. Today was a ramping up of the efforts. Today was me walking around the apartment naked.<br />
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When I came up with the idea I mostly thought about how much it would creep him out. I'm not sure how successful I was. He's a very liberal, but an uptight guy. I have to assume that he found it off-putting to see me sitting in the living room naked watching tennis the first thing in morning. How could he not.<br />
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But there was something else that happened that I didn't expect. It was freeing. I'm not a particularly uptight guy, but I'm well aware of the social norms and I adhere to them. I adhere to them even more than I have to. So just being butt-ass naked saying, 'look, this is what I'm doing', felt extremely comfortable. In fact, I liked it. It wasn't a sexual thing. It was just about feeling very comfortable with who I am. And if I got the bonus of making him squirm, then it was a perfect experience.<br />
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The big thing for me now is to figure out how to do it enough so that he can't get comfortable with it. In theory, I want my roommate to think every morning, "Oh god, am I going to be confronted with a naked black man again this morning." That is the goal.<br />
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Later, after he left and I got dressed, I finished audiobook #7 of 7. It feels like I have been working on these 7 books for a month. I haven't really, but it feels like it. I have spent a lot of time with earbuds in trying to create natural speech patterns out of what amounts to a series of phrases. And finishing that I feel a real sense of fulfillment. It is a sense that I don't often get because in what I do, there is no end, simply another story.<br />
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After that I hopped on the internet and found out that the healthcare bill was upheld. As a self employed person, I have been watching this very closely. Without it upheld, I will finally be able to get health insurance. And if it get enacted soon enough I may actually live longer than 2 years. That might be nice, but it would have the unfortunate side effect of me having to fill in a whole lot more time that I haven't been planing for. Hmm... so maybe that one isn't completely a good thing.<br />
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Another thing is that, all during the day I have been doing what I always do when there is a major tennis tournament on; I have been watching tennis. And because I was editing audio, I have watched every minute of the 10 hour broadcasts. The last match tonight was Nadal playing the 100 ranked player in the world. I don't particularly like Nadal, but I accept that he will be in the finals. He wasn't playing well in round 1, but he is Nadal, so no matter how he plays he will be in the finals.<br />
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So as I watched this match, his opponent was playing better than I have ever seen anyone one else play in years. But there is a reason why this guy is #100 and Nadal has 11 grand slam titles. I was very impressed with this new guy's play, but there was no way he could keep it up. I mean, the guy was playing near lights out. No one in the world could beat him the way he was playing.<br />
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So after he took the second set off of Nadal I kept thinking, "well, that was fun to watch, but here is where it ends." And I kept thinking that. Even after it got into the 5th set and the guy immediately broke Nadal I thought, "fun, but here is where it ends." The man was even serving for the match and I kept thinking the same thing.<br />
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The man beat Nadal in the second round of Wimbledon. I was shocked! It was one of the most impressive performances I have ever witnessed. I have never seen someone destroy such a great player before. It was a great match. And the added bonus of it is that Roger Federer will at least be #2 in the world once Wimbledon is complete. Go Federer!<br />
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And then finally today, I was watching Charlie Rose where he was talking with the director and stars of Spiderman. The director mentioned that at the heart of the story, it is about a boy who, because his parents have abandoned him, has a hole inside of him that he is always trying to fill.<br />
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As he talked about it, I realized that my YA story was screaming out for another side to it. My lead will be a victim of sexual abuse. She will never have felt loved or cared for. That is such a psychological rich story device. People who have massive holes to fill have motivation to make decisions about who they trust and will follow. With my lead having such a huge hole, I know exactly where the heart wrenching drama will come from in each of the stories.<br />
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Because she has this hole she will be easily swayed and when she is betrayed time and again, it will not only be painful for the audience to see, but she will seek vengence for it like a mad woman, creating even more situations that she must repent for. This might be hard to understand without knowing what the stories are, but let's just say that the story just got a level of emotional depth to go along with its intricately woven plot and insightful ponderances. I think that I have finally hit that point when all of the pillars of the story is there and I can start working on the details. With only a few things still in front of it, it's not long now. TCristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-37010407847448246552012-06-14T03:28:00.000-07:002012-06-14T03:28:18.891-07:00The 14-Year-Old Female Protagonist of My Next Novel will be Sexual Abused... and Other ObservationsI have mentioned a few times before that I belong to a forum of writers. When I switched to erotica there was a writer in particular that I watched. She wrote in the same sub-genre as I did and she had 3 stories released. She is a very slow writer and It took me less than a month to overtake her in terms of my number of releases and revenue. I felt a little uncomfortable about it because she published months before me and I was doing better than her.<br />
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About 2 months after our forum started she disappeared for a few weeks. When she came back she admitted that she had become depressed over her lack of success and I couldn't help but think that it had to do with me. There were only 3 of us writing in that sub-genre and I was the one most succeeding.<br />
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Well, she got back to writing and switched sub-genres. After that she did a little better but still is not doing that well. And she was still a slow writer so I started thinking of her as one of the writers that wouldn't go anywhere. It takes devotion to earn big numbers in erotica and 1 release every 3 weeks won't cut it.<br />
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Six weeks ago she released a story. It didn't seem very special but it made it to the Hot New Release list for erotica. I always wonder how that happens because I have yet to make it to that list and I have a mailing list of 300 people. I know that she doesn't have a mailing list or a strong fan base yet there she was.<br />
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I continue to watch her book and it keeps climbing the list until it is # 2 behind a recent release of 50 Shades of Grey. After that it enters the Erotica top 100 list. Eventually it made it to # 1 in Erotica and started climbing the Romance list.<br />
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Today it did something special. It entered the overall top 100 books list on Amazon. That's quite a feat. I would love to say that I'm proud of her but I'm not really. I know I should be happy for her because she's someone from my group but I don't really feel it. Everyone on the group is thrilled for her. They are very supportive over there, but I guess I assume success. People succeed over there and she is just the latest one. We had someone get to #25 on Amazon. This is what happens. After the previous person made it to #25 she dropped off all of the list. People go up and they go down. This current person sold 15,000 books in the last 2 months, but I keep thinking, what will her book count be at the end of the year?<br />
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I'm wondering if my lack of enthusiasm has anything to do with the increased amount of oxytocin in my body. It's almost like a numbing feeling going on. But it's not like the numbing that comes with depression. I kind of feel like how androids in movies look like they feel. I feel unaffected. In fact, today someone I know completely made up something about me that has no basis in reality and posted it on facebook. And where as usually I would do something extreme like attack back or plot revenge, today I pretty much just dismissed it. There's no doubt about it, I feel different.<br />
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I was also watching a special on Pixar today. It was extremely interesting. The director of Toy Story is one hell of a story teller. He has a knack for humor and pulling the heart strings which is unparalleled. I think that I will add an element of heart to my YA story. I have never gone for emotionalism before. The first 4 times that I read the ending of my book 'The First Day After Life' I cried. I didn't write it to evoke tears and I'm not sure if it did it for anyone else. But I am going to make pulling heartstrings a goal in the YA story.<br />
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I was also giving thinking about something else pertaining to the YA book. At one point I was debating the idea of having the female 14 year old main character be the victim of sexual abuse. My thought was that I would have her escape to a different world to escape the abuse only to realize that she has left her little sister there to suffer the same fate. I wanted to use that to give the character something real to want to get back for. And I wanted her to have a reason for getting back that was so strong that no matter how glorious her new lives are and how much she loves the boys that she meets, she will still have a no-explanation reason for wanting to get back home. That is what I call true conflict and true obstacle for love.<br />
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Everyone minus 1 or 2 people said that I shouldn't do it. I have thought about it for about 6 months now. I'm doing it. If people don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm not writing Harry Potter. In almost all of my stories I deal with sex. And just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean that they can't go on to laugh and love and live. And what's more, it will make what happens in the end of the last book, very substantial.<br />
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This is the book that I'm writing and I'm writing about life. What I have learned in the 20 years since I started my journey of discovery is that in life, horrible things happen to people, but that doesn't define them. This overweight, unattractive, sexually abused girl that no one loves accept the one person that she abandons, is not only going to survive her horrible beginning, but she is going to go on to be the most important human to ever live. That is the journey that I'm going to tell. And having thought about it for so long now, I am very confident that this is the story that I was meant to write.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-16123571034561734922012-06-13T01:49:00.002-07:002012-06-13T01:49:41.378-07:00I Think I Know How Yoda FeltI watched the movie Prometheus today. It was good. But during it I came up with a key feature for the Young Adult book that I will be writing. I figured out what the twist to the story in Book 1 will be. This won't be twist like a mystery would have. This twist is what will make the story unique. I would say that I've never read a book like it, but who would I be kidding, I don't read so of course I haven't. Oh, but I will also say that I've never seen it in a movie or a TV show and that should account for something.<br />
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Today I was also editing one of my erotic audio books. It was a unique experience. I really liked the way that the words flowed together. It was almost melodic. It reminds me that a building number of my reviews involved the reviewer referring to me as a talented writer. Since I don't read, I'm not sure what that means. What would qualify someone as being talented. Is it the way the author combines the words to make it seem like poetry? Is it that the story is so sophisticated that it exceeds what others are doing? I don't get it? What is it about my work that makes others refer to me as talented?<br />
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In either case, I wish I were talented. It would be nice. If I were talented, I would do justice to this YA book. It is a unique concept and I will say big things in it. If I could combine the words in a melodic way while the story is bread and butter "stable girl becomes a knight under the tutelage of a master"... you know the Star Wars/Generic Fantasy structure, I would have something. Alas, I can only do what I can do and no more. If my other books are any indication, no one will read this new one no matter how good it is, but I'm trying to write something that will transcend time. And it would be very helpful when I did it if I were actually talented. I guess we can't have it all though.<br />
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I have also decided that although I first decided to write this because I thought that I could write a Harry Potter, it wouldn't be like that. Nor will it be like Hunger Games. If I had to compare it to something, I would say the TV show Quantum Leap. The basic structure of the story will be just like that. But story wise it will be closer to Star Wars maybe. It will be a love story though. Not your conventional type but a love story none the less. And what it will be most of all is a story that through adventure and romance, will explain who we are as human beings. Not in the obvious way, but in the the way that I have discovered over the past two decades. One that involves the intersection of biology and spirituality and how the two interact.<br />
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On another topic, when I was walking out of the theater today, for the first time I thought about how lucky I was. That isn't a thought that I have had in years if at all. But it started the other night when I was talking to a movie script writer. He was telling me about how a production company hired him to write something and I just cringed thinking about how he was completely subject to that production company's whims. How awful. And then today walking out of the theater after I finished editing my audiobook, I thought about how I am absolutely free to write anything. I'll repeat that. My life is such that I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to write it. Can you imagine that? And I can make my living while doing it. How crazy is that?<br />
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Which I guess brings me to another topic. The meditation I'm doing is effecting me pretty strongly. I am again starting to feel the peace I had a long time ago. It is hard to believe it is happening so quickly, but it is. But there is a side effect that's happening which could have happened when I was 17, but I didn't have the life experience to realize it at the time. I'm starting to feel disconnected from the people around me. I'm going through moments when I lose my will to engage with people. I used to enjoy engaging with people. Now I'm starting to feel content just being and not talking.<br />
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When I was a kid, I remember feeling like a complete person, a whole. I wonder if this was what it felt like back then. I have to guess that it was. How could it not be. So, I guess I am slowly regaining my inner peace. It's odd. But I guess that if I were on a spiritual path, a destiny, this is the way that it would work. I knew at 17 that even though I abandoned the path, I would eventually return to it once I've learned what I needed to learn so that I can teach it. But is it actually coming true? Has my life really been so well designed? I find it hard to believe. I did not have a small vision for my destiny when I was 17. I would hate to have to fulfill the rest of what I saw for myself back then. Then again, back then I was incredibly in touch with something I can barely understand now. If I saw it as having a purpose, then I'm sure that there was a good reason for it. I don't think I'll have to worry about that though. But of course, I didn't think that I would end up where I am either. Interesting.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-47579590388768321882012-06-01T02:30:00.002-07:002012-06-01T02:30:38.628-07:00I've Invented a Guaranteed Path to Happiness... Seriously!After my last post I gave more thought to the meditation idea. I decided to go for it. And lying in my bed the next morning I was trying to figure out what style of meditation I would use. When I was a kid I did Chakra mediation. That is when you picture balls of color on various parts of your body. Thinking back on it now it seems kind of odd. But there is no denying that it worked.There is also things like mantra mediation and thoughtless mediation.<br />
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I didn't actually want to do any of those. Instead I remembered something else from my post. I did a google search to make sure that oxytocin was associated with meditation as I had said and it was. Studies have shown that the feel good neurochemical oxytocin can be released during meditation and it could be because during meditation we think of times when oxytocin has been released in the past. According to studies, imagery alone has been shown to release oxytocin.<br />
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This fact intrigued me. So what I decided to do was try something that I've never heard of before. Instead of meditating on god or some religious or spiritual thought, I would use science. I would meditate on times when I had received massages. I have always loved massages and massages have been shown to release oxytocin. So what I did was lay in my bed on top of the covers and with my arms and legs apart and I remembered the feeling of someone massaging my hands. After about 10 or 15 minutes of this, I felt almost as good as I did when I was being massaged. It worked! It worked incredibly well. It worked so well that I felt it needed a name. I decided to call it Happiness Meditation.<br />
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Since then I have meditated every day. And why not? It takes no time to do it and afterwards I fell like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly day. I even feel a little drunk afterwards. How has no one come up with this type of mediation before? And if they have, why aren't the spreading the word about it. It's friggin' awesome and I feel a ton better. Why are people still chanting mantra trying to clear their mind looking for Nirvana? It's so hard with so little reward for most of us.<br />
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Since then I have not felt stressed about my sales numbers even though I've been checking them. And I just feel better about everything. This has got to be because of the Happiness Meditation and the best part is that it's based in science. I love that!<br />
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Ok, like I said I have been checking my sales numbers. I didn't really want to, but someone who makes a ton more money than I do selling books, told me that my number should be higher and they gave me some tips. After I followed them I had to see if they were working. And it is way too tempting not to check all of the numbers once you've started checking a few.<br />
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I would like to go on and complain about something else, but the truth is that I don't feel like it. Nothing quite seems as bad as it once did. Is it the constant stream of oxytocin that I'm getting? Maybe. But let me tell you. If you want to feel happier, try this. Science has proven that this technique works, so it certainly couldn't hurt.Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579305548256152505.post-1803452574380606922012-05-28T00:04:00.000-07:002012-05-28T00:04:27.696-07:00Struggling with my RetirementI have to say, it is a lot harder to let go of work than I thought. I was supposed to look at my sales numbers only twice a month. I have not followed that. I was good for a while but then I broke down on the 25th and then I kind of broke that again yesterday and to a degree today. I was reading a thread on my forum and they were talking about how most self published authors only make $500 a year. Can you believe that? I make that in a couple of days. It was good perspective.<br />
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What came with reading that thread though, was me examining why my numbers aren't higher. I did discover something about my sales. Barnes and Noble and Amazon German are both consistently up, but I'm a big fail when it comes to selling books on Amazon.com. I made $1200 in Jan, but only $700 in April. This can all be explained by Amazon.com filtering my titles. It's unfortunate, but that's life.<br />
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But that got me to thinking how I can increase sales of poor selling titles. I then made those changes and in the day or two since it has had an effect. So after I realized it had an effect, I had to keep checking to see how much of an effect it had. But looking again and again has had the same effect that it always has; me asking myself why isn't it more. We human beings become unhappy because we keep asking for things to be other than what they are. It is a trait which is hard to escape.<br />
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I'm starting to think of my attitude toward selling books like an addiction. Like I'm a work-a-holic or something (haha!). But I can either be retired or not retired. Alcoholics can't drink just half a bottle without finishing it. I can't retire half-assed.<br />
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Here's the thing, if I fully act like I'm retired, I am going to leave money on the table. How am I supposed to walk away from money on the table? I don't know, but I can either be happy or I can collect all of the money for off the table.<br />
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When I got to college, I was elated to be out of the Bahamas. I almost hated that place. My childhood was often hellish. It was just horrible. College was this incredible place where I was no longer alone. It's tough growing up unique. It's not like I wasn't liked, because I was. People found me interesting and I'm pretty sure they liked me for it. But looking around and feeling fundamentally different from everyone around you, including your friends, is hard. I couldn't breath there, and when I got to college, all of a sudden I could breath... and talk. And boy did I talk.<br />
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I talked so much that by the time I was a sophomore I felt the need to go on a vow of silence for a week. It's wasn't like anyone ever asked me to stop talking. I just got sick of hearing my own voice, and for that week the silence was wonderful.<br />
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And when I was 16, I decided to step away from my life for a monk-like life. There was no masturbation or impure thoughts. I meditated twice a day and vowed a spiritual life. In other words I have a history of giving up things. And all of those things that I gave up helped me to cleanse my mind. They felt good. And I have to remember that now.<br />
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How much money and celebrity do I need? How much can I strip away from my life without feeling wanting?<br />
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Unfortunately, if I ask myself, what's important to me, I know what the answer is. Nothing. Nothing is important to me. That's kind of sad. I used to say that my friends were important to me, but today I think I realized that their not. Once again today I was faced with a situation where I could either advice a friend in a way that would bring us closer together, or I could advice them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. I advised them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. It broke my heart a little to do it, but I did. Now I think that if their friendship was valuable to me, I would have pulled them closer. But I guess nothing truly matters to me. Nothing does.<br />
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That might have been why I have chased after money and celebrity for so long. I guess the truth is that after I abandoned my spiritual beliefs everything lost it's meaning for me. The only thing that's important in life is what you give importance. And now that being a valuable member of society isn't important to me, nothing has importance. And the sad thing is that I don't think a change of location would change that.<br />
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I have to truly retire. I have to stop checking my numbers or figure out a way to devalue them for me. I look around at my apartment and I'm happy with it. I don't have a lot of stuff, but I don't need anything more. I have a couple of friends whose houses are just stuffed with stuff. Why? Why would someone need so many trinkets. I just don't get it.<br />
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I'm wondering if I should start meditating again. There have been many times in my life when I have said that I have to start meditating again and I do it for a week or two but then I stop. In those situations, the truth has to be that meditation wasn't something that I truly wanted. The things that I truly want, I do and I don't stop doing. That is how all of us are.<br />
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Research has shown that meditation can cause an elevation in, I think, oxytocin. And when I was meditating a lot I could feel it. It felt so incredibly good. God damn did it feel good. I remember thinking at the time that I was whole. I didn't need anyone else to make me complete. God I wish I could feel like that again.<br />
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I don't know how I could be so good looking and so well liked yet unable to find someone to pair up with, but that's the fact of it. I haven't been on more than one date with someone in 11 years and it's not about to start now. I should really ride out the time I have left in a state of wholeness. How great would that be?<br />
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And the truth is that no one else can make you whole. Only you can make yourself feel whole. And that state of wholeness is only a combinations of neurochemicals in either case, so what's the point of the trouble of relationships. I'm not going to be in a relationship in either case, so why fight that fact anymore. "Let go and let god" as they say. Let what will be, be. I'm not going to stop the sun from rising in the east, so why should I try.<br />
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I think that the only way that I will truly be able to retire will be for me to start meditating. Nothing has value to me, so what would I be doing otherwise that's more valuable than mediation? Nothing of course. When I was a meditating kid, I did it because there was nothing more important to me than that. Now I don't have a job I need to worry about. I don't have a relationship that I have to be concerned about. I don't have money problems or anything. What do I have that's of importance to me? Nothing. So why not ride out the rest of my life on an oxtocin high? There are a lot of worse ways to go... like every other way. Hmm...Cristian YoungMillerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00144345700219458105noreply@blogger.com0