It has been a little over a week since I have decided that I needed to retire. I don't know if I would have considered what I'm doing retirement prior to this, but there is a forum thread on the social site I hang out on and they talk about retirement there. The first time I read it, I didn't think what they described was retirement, but now I get it. Retirement is leaving the stuff that you don't want to do and instead filling your life with the stuff that you really want to do. Retirement isn't sitting in your house doing nothing.
I am a hard worker. My father was a hard worker. My mother wasn't afraid of hard work. I have long believed that the answer to all of my problems would simply be to work harder. But recently I learned that it's crap. There is a limit to how much working harder will do. But one thing that attitude did do for me was that it perfectly filled my time. I both wanted and needed something to completely occupy my time, and that did it. There are certain things in life that I don't want to have to think about. Endless work gave me that gift.
Now that I'm retired I get concerned. Hiding is comfortable and safe. Giving yourself time to feel things might result in feeling something you don't want to. Having time is risky business, but so far it's been fine. In fact, the happiness that I retired in search of, felt closer than it's ever been. I really have let go of that endless drive. It's feeling nice.
I did start to notice something though. Internal motivation is hard to maintain without reward. As human beings we have evolved to be reward for everything that is worth doing. Our bodies release great chemicals that tells us to keep doing what we're doing. I continue to write and record audiobooks because I want to, but without the reward of seeing that they're selling, I feel a little hollow. It's like singing into the wind; you can only hear yourself and can never be sure you are the only one.
I guess I'm writing today because today was my designated day for checking my sales. What I found was that I have sold the most I have ever by this time in the month. I feel pretty safe that I will make my quota. One might think that would make me feel good, and it did for a little while. But within hours, my thoughts that I'm not good enough returned. "Why isn't it more?" I asked myself. I could barely stop the thoughts. They simply flowed.
I was glad that I did check my sales though. It turns out that I now sell more in German than I do in English on Amazon.com, and I do it with fewer books. That tells me that I have to get more books out in German. I also found out that a book that I had translated on a whim, is now my best selling book overall. I have three more books in that series, so they will be my next translations.
Knowing my sales also motivated me to attempt something which I first attempted 2 months ago. I thought that the powers-that-be deleted a very important account that I have. It turns out that my plea was listened to and my account was reinstated. Because I was knocked back by its initial deletion, I didn't even bother to check back. But they had listened and today I made a very strong move toward increasing my sales. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't check my sales numbers. Checking my sales is an evil for me, but a necessary one.
Now, I just have to get my mind back into that better place. I need to remember that I'm not required to increase my numbers. Hell, I might need to institute some sort of punishment if my sales go up, to deincentivize myself from making money my goal instead of happiness. It's a tricky thing. I think that my new flower garden has helped me to remember to choose happiness. Seeing flowers makes me happier. But the main thing that I have to look out for is my desire to hide from life popping out in some other way. The problem is that in the past, I have never realized my new addiction until I was knee deep in it. Oh well, I probably won't see the next one coming either. But I have to still venture forward with my plan, and I need to make some time to enjoy the first surfing lesson that I paid for.
Other than that, I feel like a should write 2 stories this week. I have been paying for a promotion all month long and I should really have 2 more stories out before the promotion is complete on the 29th. But on top of that, I have a production assignment. It promises to be a busy next two weeks.
I hope that I will continue to remember that I am actually retired. And I hope that I can find the internal motivation to continue on, even though I don't know how others are responding to it. I think it might have been easier back when publishers would only give you sales figures every six months. I'm sure that authors constantly thought about how well their book was doing, but I bet that it did free the author's mind to focus on other things since you knew that would never know them until the designated date. I guess knowing vs not knowing is a situation that gives as much as it takes.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My Most Recent Psychic Event
If you read my last post, you would be familiar with my penchant for considering myself psychic. In my last post, I mentioned my way of getting answers from the universe. I also mentioned that I asked the universe whether or not I would find love and I was distressed that the universe wasn't coughing up a coincidence as an answer. Well, I just experienced a coincidence and possible answer. Here's what happened, though I haven't analysed it yet.
I called my mother on mother's day like a good son. We haven't spoken in a while so we spend 2 hours catching up. I told her about the 3 things that I would like to do this summer; scuba lessons, hang-gliding and a trip to Mexico. Mum then asked me when was I going to Mexico. I told her I didn't know and she asked me who I was going with. I told her that it would be a surfing trip and she replied disappointingly.
She then told me that she wants to go to Mexico to see the pyramids that they most recently found. She then wavered about where the pyramids were. I told her that I couldn't go because of the cost. She replied by saying that Travel Zoo has had great deals ever-so-often. With that in mind I go to check Groupon and LivingSocial. There weren't any deals there.
I called my mother on mother's day like a good son. We haven't spoken in a while so we spend 2 hours catching up. I told her about the 3 things that I would like to do this summer; scuba lessons, hang-gliding and a trip to Mexico. Mum then asked me when was I going to Mexico. I told her I didn't know and she asked me who I was going with. I told her that it would be a surfing trip and she replied disappointingly.
She then told me that she wants to go to Mexico to see the pyramids that they most recently found. She then wavered about where the pyramids were. I told her that I couldn't go because of the cost. She replied by saying that Travel Zoo has had great deals ever-so-often. With that in mind I go to check Groupon and LivingSocial. There weren't any deals there.
I hang up from her and go about life. The next day I decide to check my Groupon/LivingSocial email address (since I rarely do). What do you think that I find? It is a LivingSocial deal to Machu Picchu. I remember that there are pyramids there so I check it out. Machu Picchu is in Peru but I send it to my mother anyway asking her if this was where she meant. She wrote me this morning saying "Yes!!!". I then go to my email address and do a search to see if trips to Peru come up often. In the 2 years that I've been a member of the 2 groups, this is only the 2nd time a trip to Peru has come up and the only other time wasn't a trip to the pyramids. This qualifies as a big coincidence.
So, as I said before, with the psychic technique that I use, the next big coincidence usually has the answer to the question that you've asked. That means that somewhere in this incident is my answer. These things usually require some interpretation, but not that much.
My first guess is that the answer to my question is that 'what my mother wants will be available.' My mother has been very clear about what she wants. She thinks that I use our shared history as an excuse to avoid relationships and marriage, and she wants grand kids from me. Even when I informed her that she wouldn't get that, she hasn't conceded her desire like I have gotten her to do on other topics.
Ya know, I have to say that my interpretations to past coincidental events have been super cool and enough to delight friends at parties. This one, in comparison, would be pretty lame. But I do know that the answer always involves the person that the coincidence is being shared with. In the other most cool coincidences, the questions were about the person that I experienced the coincidences with.
Hmm... I guess that in a way, like the cool psychic experiences, my question is also about my mother (the person I shared the coincidence with), because my mother is the only one that has vocalized that she wants me to be in the type of relationship that I asked the universe about (I think that only one other person in the past 15 years has said anything anywhere close to that to me.). So the question that I asked could have just as easily have been, will my mother get what she wants for me. If I had asked the question, "will I experience what my mother wants from me" the answer would totally have been, "my mother will get what she wants."
The problem is however, that although it could have been the same question, it wasn't the way I actually phrased it. And if there is one thing that I have learned time and time again from my psychic experiences, it's that the psychic world is very literal... painfully literal... excruciatingly literal. You have to take the answer you get without adding on assumptions, because it is those assumptions that will break your heart when they don't come true. And every single time, after getting my heart broken for an assumption that didn't come true, I have thought back to the psychic event and the literal translation of the event is always exactly what occurred. So now the question is, is my current interpretation closest to the literal understanding of what has happened?
Hmm... I need to think about this a little more.
Edit:
It just hit me. I was correct. That was the answer to my question. Ha! And for all of those that that think that it is some how good to be psychic, let me share with you what the universe has told me. Keep in mind that when asking the universe something, you have to be extremely specific. In turn, the universe will be very literal in its reply.
So the very specific question that I asked was: Will I be in a loving relationship, that involves sex and makes me happy.
The universe replied: What my mother wants will be available to me.
Here is what my mother has stated that she wants for me: She wants me to get married, even if she lives in the Bahamas while I live in LA. And she wants me to have kids.
Love doesn't seem to come into play there. Nor does sex or happiness. So when I asked if I will have a happy relationship, the universe said that what I will be able to have is a marriage. Ha! That is the answer. That even sounds like their types of answers. They never answer yes or no. They present information. So the answer is, and here is where the assumption part comes in, I will NOT be in a loving relationship that involves sex and makes me happy. I know that isn't exactly what the universe said, but something tells me if the answer was "yes, I will have those things" they would have created a different coincidence.
Question asked. Question answered. Now I have to start the fight againt the self-fulfilling prophecy. Yay me. Yay psychic abilities.
Edit:
It just hit me. I was correct. That was the answer to my question. Ha! And for all of those that that think that it is some how good to be psychic, let me share with you what the universe has told me. Keep in mind that when asking the universe something, you have to be extremely specific. In turn, the universe will be very literal in its reply.
So the very specific question that I asked was: Will I be in a loving relationship, that involves sex and makes me happy.
The universe replied: What my mother wants will be available to me.
Here is what my mother has stated that she wants for me: She wants me to get married, even if she lives in the Bahamas while I live in LA. And she wants me to have kids.
Love doesn't seem to come into play there. Nor does sex or happiness. So when I asked if I will have a happy relationship, the universe said that what I will be able to have is a marriage. Ha! That is the answer. That even sounds like their types of answers. They never answer yes or no. They present information. So the answer is, and here is where the assumption part comes in, I will NOT be in a loving relationship that involves sex and makes me happy. I know that isn't exactly what the universe said, but something tells me if the answer was "yes, I will have those things" they would have created a different coincidence.
Question asked. Question answered. Now I have to start the fight againt the self-fulfilling prophecy. Yay me. Yay psychic abilities.
Friday, May 11, 2012
My Perception of Self
Perhaps this is not a good day to blog considering that I'm sick. Whenever I'm sick my mood drops tremendously. And I can say without a doubt that I'm not happy right now. I'm feeling defeated and like giving up. Last week I was feeling like this and in turn I took 4 strong steps to recover. Really when I'm feeling like this it is usually based on sales numbers.
Currently my overall sales are up. My German sales, Amazon English sales and Barnes & Noble sales are all up. But my audio book sales are down. And that fact alone is just killing me. I was counting on audio books as my future and I had a 50% drop in sales between March and April. Considering how much time I've invested into audiobooks, it just depresses the hell out of me.
Adding to that, last weekend I went to see Avengers. I was putting butter on my popcorn when a woman walked up next to me and stood waiting for the butter pump. I look over at her and she doesn't look directly at me but she starts to blush. I turned back around wondering what she was blushing at since there was no one else there. I then walked off, but by the time I get into the theater I realize that she was one of the most beautiful women that I've seen in a long time. (I'm slow on the uptake sometimes.) I then keep an eye out for her to walk into my theater but she doesn't. That missed opportunity does not do my mood any good.
You know, I look at my life objectively and it's not too bad. I write for a living; I'm taking some time off to work on a movie; I'm pitching a huge game changer to one of the largest publishers in the world; and someone volunteered that I was good looking. (Usually I try my best not to hear compliments, but it was said so disarmingly that I couldn't help but hear it.) So one would think that I'm just fine.
So what this makes me think is that I'm low on Vitamin D though I'm not. My body has probably adapted to it so I'm no longer getting that dopamine boost that I get from it. And I haven't been taken my other feel good supplements long enough to feel an effect. But damn I'm not in a good mood. I have this overwhelming desire to lay in bed and just stay there. If anyone knows me, they would know that would never happen. But the desire is there and I can't shake it. And no new venture or project has managed to shake this feeling out of me.
Ok, you want to hear something that is going to sound a little crazy? So I'm psychic, right. Just accept that as fact. I'm not going to lay out the mounds of evidence that started from age 14. And one of the psychic techniques I use involves me asking "the universe" questions. Using this method I have about a 75% or 80% accuracy rate. I don't use it very often, but I have found it incredibly accurate.
So a few weeks ago I wasn't feel particularly happy and I decided to employ this technique. I have never really been in love. I'm pretty old for never having really been in love and I'm constantly aware of this. So I decide to ask the universe whether or not I will ever be in love during this life time.
To me the answer was easy and obvious. Of course I will. So I sat back waiting for the answer. The way I get the answer is that something extremely coincidental happens. I then have to dissect that coincidence and within it is an answer. The incidences aren't kind of coincidental. They are really coincidental. And I always get an answer. I went through a short phase where I got 2 incorrect answers in a row, but I always get answers. The only time when I didn't get an answer was right after I become unemployed after the recession hit. I had asked the universe where would be the next company that I would be fully employed at. I got no response at all.
That lack of response led me to shun everything psychic. What I interrupted that lack of answer to mean was that I would never again be employed by a company. As a person who had no clue where my next paycheck was coming from, I did not like that answer. I hated the universe for giving me that answer and I rejected it. But of course, if you have been reading about my writing journey, you would know that as it stands, I no longer have to find employment by another company. I am gainfully self-employed. I couldn't imagine that answer (or lack of one) as being a good thing at the time, but it was.
So a few weeks ago I ask the universe if I would ever find love. Can you guess what the response was? It was silence, just like when I asked the question about employment. And yes, I considered that the technique has stopped working for me, but I have had two really impressive incidences of coincidence between those two unanswered questions. I guess it's possible that it takes time for the universe to arrange for these coincidences, but it has been longer than I remember it ever taking before.
Typing this I'm reminded of a TED lecture I saw about perception. The gist of the lecture was that our perception of things matters more than reality. Well, my perception of my life is not good and involves the terms loveless and failure. Is that reality? Who knows.
On a side note, it looks like I will no longer get my office back because my roommate doesn't now seem to be moving out anymore. The upside is that I no longer have to rapidly increase my income. So perhaps to give life some meaning I should write a book that has the possibility of surviving me. The YA book seems so daunting to me right now, so maybe I should finally work on '10 Things that Every Kid should Know By 18... And How to Teach Them.' It shouldn't take me longer than 3 weeks and maybe it will make me feel better about myself.
Why I currently need to feel better about myself I do not know. But in spite of my promise to be better to myself, I again seem to find myself mumbling the word "loser" to myself. Do I consciously think that I'm a loser? Not even close to it. But clearly my subconscious is not liking something about what's going on, and I have to figure out some way to address it.
Currently my overall sales are up. My German sales, Amazon English sales and Barnes & Noble sales are all up. But my audio book sales are down. And that fact alone is just killing me. I was counting on audio books as my future and I had a 50% drop in sales between March and April. Considering how much time I've invested into audiobooks, it just depresses the hell out of me.
Adding to that, last weekend I went to see Avengers. I was putting butter on my popcorn when a woman walked up next to me and stood waiting for the butter pump. I look over at her and she doesn't look directly at me but she starts to blush. I turned back around wondering what she was blushing at since there was no one else there. I then walked off, but by the time I get into the theater I realize that she was one of the most beautiful women that I've seen in a long time. (I'm slow on the uptake sometimes.) I then keep an eye out for her to walk into my theater but she doesn't. That missed opportunity does not do my mood any good.
You know, I look at my life objectively and it's not too bad. I write for a living; I'm taking some time off to work on a movie; I'm pitching a huge game changer to one of the largest publishers in the world; and someone volunteered that I was good looking. (Usually I try my best not to hear compliments, but it was said so disarmingly that I couldn't help but hear it.) So one would think that I'm just fine.
So what this makes me think is that I'm low on Vitamin D though I'm not. My body has probably adapted to it so I'm no longer getting that dopamine boost that I get from it. And I haven't been taken my other feel good supplements long enough to feel an effect. But damn I'm not in a good mood. I have this overwhelming desire to lay in bed and just stay there. If anyone knows me, they would know that would never happen. But the desire is there and I can't shake it. And no new venture or project has managed to shake this feeling out of me.
Ok, you want to hear something that is going to sound a little crazy? So I'm psychic, right. Just accept that as fact. I'm not going to lay out the mounds of evidence that started from age 14. And one of the psychic techniques I use involves me asking "the universe" questions. Using this method I have about a 75% or 80% accuracy rate. I don't use it very often, but I have found it incredibly accurate.
So a few weeks ago I wasn't feel particularly happy and I decided to employ this technique. I have never really been in love. I'm pretty old for never having really been in love and I'm constantly aware of this. So I decide to ask the universe whether or not I will ever be in love during this life time.
To me the answer was easy and obvious. Of course I will. So I sat back waiting for the answer. The way I get the answer is that something extremely coincidental happens. I then have to dissect that coincidence and within it is an answer. The incidences aren't kind of coincidental. They are really coincidental. And I always get an answer. I went through a short phase where I got 2 incorrect answers in a row, but I always get answers. The only time when I didn't get an answer was right after I become unemployed after the recession hit. I had asked the universe where would be the next company that I would be fully employed at. I got no response at all.
That lack of response led me to shun everything psychic. What I interrupted that lack of answer to mean was that I would never again be employed by a company. As a person who had no clue where my next paycheck was coming from, I did not like that answer. I hated the universe for giving me that answer and I rejected it. But of course, if you have been reading about my writing journey, you would know that as it stands, I no longer have to find employment by another company. I am gainfully self-employed. I couldn't imagine that answer (or lack of one) as being a good thing at the time, but it was.
So a few weeks ago I ask the universe if I would ever find love. Can you guess what the response was? It was silence, just like when I asked the question about employment. And yes, I considered that the technique has stopped working for me, but I have had two really impressive incidences of coincidence between those two unanswered questions. I guess it's possible that it takes time for the universe to arrange for these coincidences, but it has been longer than I remember it ever taking before.
Typing this I'm reminded of a TED lecture I saw about perception. The gist of the lecture was that our perception of things matters more than reality. Well, my perception of my life is not good and involves the terms loveless and failure. Is that reality? Who knows.
On a side note, it looks like I will no longer get my office back because my roommate doesn't now seem to be moving out anymore. The upside is that I no longer have to rapidly increase my income. So perhaps to give life some meaning I should write a book that has the possibility of surviving me. The YA book seems so daunting to me right now, so maybe I should finally work on '10 Things that Every Kid should Know By 18... And How to Teach Them.' It shouldn't take me longer than 3 weeks and maybe it will make me feel better about myself.
Why I currently need to feel better about myself I do not know. But in spite of my promise to be better to myself, I again seem to find myself mumbling the word "loser" to myself. Do I consciously think that I'm a loser? Not even close to it. But clearly my subconscious is not liking something about what's going on, and I have to figure out some way to address it.
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Heavy Weight of Failure
I had to gear myself up to write this. I have to say, I'm not in the greatest of moods. All month long I've been trying to block out my sales numbers. Last month was a good month and, of course, I thought this month would go up as usual. I especially thought so because this was the first month publishing my podcast. It turns out that my sales are down this month.
My ebook sales being down this month is hard enough, but what really makes me want to crawl into bed and hide under the sheets is the fact that my audio book sales are way down. In fact, yesterday was my first day when I didn't even receive one sale on my audio books. That's heart-breaking for me... especially since I started the podcast specifically to increase my audio book sales.
And it isn't like people aren't enjoying the podcast. So far I have gotten 4 five star reviews, and iTunes lists all of them as being the highest level on the popularity listing. That surprises me because I know how many listens I'm getting. I have gotten hundreds of listens and not thousands. Obviously its a relative scale, but still, it's a little heart-breaking that even with these hundreds of listeners I'm having a down sales month. I know that Easter and Tax day had a lot to do with it, but not everyone is down this month. With this increase in marketing, I feel like I should be one of them.
So this plus a few more things going on in my life is bringing me down right now. I decided not to kill myself on my production schedule this week and now I'm a full day behind schedule. Also, in spite of my latest release selling well, my other newest titles aren't selling well... except for the title that made me take a break to "find my soul". That is turning out to be my best selling book. The English version is selling like crap, but the German version is outselling all of my other books. Amazing.
Anyway, today is the type of day that I wish I were one of my characters and I could just crawl into someone's arms and lie there for a few minutes. On top of that, a friend offered me a job doing a light re-edit on his movie. I want to do it and probably will, but I will fall even further behind on my production schedule. I should be glad that I can take a break for a fun job, but in the mood I'm in, it just weighs me down even more.
Really, this mood I'm in is because my sales are down. And it is such a clique in my writing circles, but I can't help but think that my wonderful ride is over. I used to release new books and they sold copy after copy. When that stopped I managed to get the same result when I released the audio book. Now that that seems to have gone, all I have are the German books and the book I released yesterday hasn't even gotten a sale yet... I was expecting this latest German release to be a good seller. I'm feeling very defeated.
Tomorrow morning I have a podcast interview with a person who is probably the most successful erotica writer on iTunes. He was one of the people that inspired me to give this genre a try. But even though the questions are already written, I am feeling another failure coming on. I'm not sure how I can fail with the interview, but I feel like I'm emanating failure right now. And all of this failure is happening while I was supposed to be increasing my income so that I can afford my place without a roommate. I'm feeling very weighed down.
My ebook sales being down this month is hard enough, but what really makes me want to crawl into bed and hide under the sheets is the fact that my audio book sales are way down. In fact, yesterday was my first day when I didn't even receive one sale on my audio books. That's heart-breaking for me... especially since I started the podcast specifically to increase my audio book sales.
And it isn't like people aren't enjoying the podcast. So far I have gotten 4 five star reviews, and iTunes lists all of them as being the highest level on the popularity listing. That surprises me because I know how many listens I'm getting. I have gotten hundreds of listens and not thousands. Obviously its a relative scale, but still, it's a little heart-breaking that even with these hundreds of listeners I'm having a down sales month. I know that Easter and Tax day had a lot to do with it, but not everyone is down this month. With this increase in marketing, I feel like I should be one of them.
So this plus a few more things going on in my life is bringing me down right now. I decided not to kill myself on my production schedule this week and now I'm a full day behind schedule. Also, in spite of my latest release selling well, my other newest titles aren't selling well... except for the title that made me take a break to "find my soul". That is turning out to be my best selling book. The English version is selling like crap, but the German version is outselling all of my other books. Amazing.
Anyway, today is the type of day that I wish I were one of my characters and I could just crawl into someone's arms and lie there for a few minutes. On top of that, a friend offered me a job doing a light re-edit on his movie. I want to do it and probably will, but I will fall even further behind on my production schedule. I should be glad that I can take a break for a fun job, but in the mood I'm in, it just weighs me down even more.
Really, this mood I'm in is because my sales are down. And it is such a clique in my writing circles, but I can't help but think that my wonderful ride is over. I used to release new books and they sold copy after copy. When that stopped I managed to get the same result when I released the audio book. Now that that seems to have gone, all I have are the German books and the book I released yesterday hasn't even gotten a sale yet... I was expecting this latest German release to be a good seller. I'm feeling very defeated.
Tomorrow morning I have a podcast interview with a person who is probably the most successful erotica writer on iTunes. He was one of the people that inspired me to give this genre a try. But even though the questions are already written, I am feeling another failure coming on. I'm not sure how I can fail with the interview, but I feel like I'm emanating failure right now. And all of this failure is happening while I was supposed to be increasing my income so that I can afford my place without a roommate. I'm feeling very weighed down.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Mortality is a Bitch but Undeniable
Mortality is a bitch but it's undeniable. I just watched the movie Cabin In The Woods. I recommend it. But it has put me in an interesting mood.
Today was a hard day at rugby. Now that I'm off of my latest age defy supplements, I definitely felt it. And as I sit here I have to admit to myself that I'm aging. Yes, the only guy on the field today that could have possibly been faster than I was is 23 years old. Sure the only other possible guy that I play with that could possibly be faster is about 26. But still, there's no denying it, I'm aging. Seriously, I would be surprised if I have 3 years left... and that's me being optimistic.
So with this reality staring me in the face everyday, I have to really start thinking about my legacy. I have the life-sized bronze statue of me. Certainly that will exist longer than all of us. I could also cross my fingers that my book Everybody Masturbates becomes a classic. But past that, what do I have? Unfortunately nothing.
From the age of 11 I thought that I was put on earth with a glorious purpose. I can remember sitting in my 6th grade class having a clear feeling that I had a well defined destiny. Then I remember sitting in my 8th grade class thinking that I had a well defined destiny. Then my 10th, 11th and 12th grade class. Then all during college and for the first 8 years afterwards. After that things got hazy, but I used to think that I was here for a reason.
Now as I sit here, I'm looking at about 2 solid years at most before my mind goes to hell. I have already lost a step. My mind could do some impressive things when I was a kid. Now that stuff is all gone. The only thing special about it now is the way it makes connections between ideas. All of its great processing power is gone. Even now, mentally I am a shadow of my former self. Physically, I'm clearly not as good looking as I used to be.
You know, people mock me about saying things like this, but they just don't get it. I can remember being trapped in the Bahamas after I graduated from college and I went through a couple of weeks stretch when literally, every single day that I left my house some stranger would comment on how good looking I was. Do you know what that's like? Do you know how that fucks up a person's mind?
I did not encourage that. I didn't want it. I almost tried to avoid it, but there it was unsolicited. It was ridiculous. I remember once I left my house just to get my hair cut and the older male barber mentioned my looks. I didn't see it. Looking back at the pictures at the time and still don't see it. And because I couldn't see it, I never wanted it. But after getting it for decades and then not getting it, it does something to you. It's like being forced to take a drug for years and then having to spend the remainder of your life in withdrawal. Simply put it screws with your head.
So now, here I am. I have lost what made my brain special; I have lost what made my looks special; I'm probably a year away from losing what made me special with sports. And that 11 year old is looking at me and his heart is breaking. "You were given so much. How could you have not fulfilled your destiny? How could you have wasted it all?" He keeps repeating to me.
You know, every time I do something that no one else in the world has done, it is because of that 11 year old. He is my motivator. He is the reason that I do so many 15 hour days. I don't want to disappoint him. He was such a sweet kid. He was just the nicest kid. In comparison to him, I am currently one evil son of a bitch. I would be absolutely ashamed to be introduced to that kid with him knowing that I am who he will become. That would break both of our hearts.
So since I have ruined that poor kid's life. Since I have taken all of the potential and goodness that that kid had and just fucked it all to hell, the least I could do is make one more concerted effort to fulfill that kid's destiny. I have 2 solid years left to do it. I need to get to it.
So, the last big thing that I will try to do before my time runs out is write that book that I have discussed before. It was the book I decided to write after watching the last Harry Potter movie. I have written 29 short stories in the last 6 months and I really feel that I have the style down. And currently my best selling erotica story is a story in 4 parts. Each story is self contained and sold separately but together they tell one over arching story.
This is how I will write the YA book. I am going to break the books down into four 12,000 to 20,000 word short stories. And I will break down the series into 5 books. That means that over the next 2 years I have to write 20 short stories. Considering that I have written 30 shorter short stories in 6 months, that seems very doable.
I plan on releasing the first one for free and then probably charge 2.99 for all of the rest. I expect to sell zero of most of them. I can also believe that I will sell none at all. It wouldn't be the first time. But I'm not looking at it as a money making venture. It is my attempt to explain the workings of the universe in a very easy to understand way. My book 'The First Day After Life' was something similar, but it is not easy to understand. If anyone ever had doubt that I was a genius, then they should read that book.
But my legacy will be being able to explain the purpose of life wrapped around an adventure and in a way that even a 10 year old girl can understand it. If I can do that, then I will have fulfilled my destiny. I will be able to let go and allow the universe to do with me what it will. Thanks to the ebook format the books will continue to exist long after I'm gone and, who knows, maybe some one at some point in time will discover it and appreciate it. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that I would have done everything that I could do.
That's my plan. I have never stopped thinking about the book and my mind has been working on it while I practiced my skills writing about sex. So some time soon I will sit down and map out all 20 stories and soon after that, the writing will begin. In truth I can feel a weight lifting off of my chest knowing that I am about to begin the last thing that I will ever NEED to do. It's actually quite a relief. It isn't particularly easy being me. I look forward to ridding myself of one of my biggest burdens.
Today was a hard day at rugby. Now that I'm off of my latest age defy supplements, I definitely felt it. And as I sit here I have to admit to myself that I'm aging. Yes, the only guy on the field today that could have possibly been faster than I was is 23 years old. Sure the only other possible guy that I play with that could possibly be faster is about 26. But still, there's no denying it, I'm aging. Seriously, I would be surprised if I have 3 years left... and that's me being optimistic.
So with this reality staring me in the face everyday, I have to really start thinking about my legacy. I have the life-sized bronze statue of me. Certainly that will exist longer than all of us. I could also cross my fingers that my book Everybody Masturbates becomes a classic. But past that, what do I have? Unfortunately nothing.
From the age of 11 I thought that I was put on earth with a glorious purpose. I can remember sitting in my 6th grade class having a clear feeling that I had a well defined destiny. Then I remember sitting in my 8th grade class thinking that I had a well defined destiny. Then my 10th, 11th and 12th grade class. Then all during college and for the first 8 years afterwards. After that things got hazy, but I used to think that I was here for a reason.
Now as I sit here, I'm looking at about 2 solid years at most before my mind goes to hell. I have already lost a step. My mind could do some impressive things when I was a kid. Now that stuff is all gone. The only thing special about it now is the way it makes connections between ideas. All of its great processing power is gone. Even now, mentally I am a shadow of my former self. Physically, I'm clearly not as good looking as I used to be.
You know, people mock me about saying things like this, but they just don't get it. I can remember being trapped in the Bahamas after I graduated from college and I went through a couple of weeks stretch when literally, every single day that I left my house some stranger would comment on how good looking I was. Do you know what that's like? Do you know how that fucks up a person's mind?
I did not encourage that. I didn't want it. I almost tried to avoid it, but there it was unsolicited. It was ridiculous. I remember once I left my house just to get my hair cut and the older male barber mentioned my looks. I didn't see it. Looking back at the pictures at the time and still don't see it. And because I couldn't see it, I never wanted it. But after getting it for decades and then not getting it, it does something to you. It's like being forced to take a drug for years and then having to spend the remainder of your life in withdrawal. Simply put it screws with your head.
So now, here I am. I have lost what made my brain special; I have lost what made my looks special; I'm probably a year away from losing what made me special with sports. And that 11 year old is looking at me and his heart is breaking. "You were given so much. How could you have not fulfilled your destiny? How could you have wasted it all?" He keeps repeating to me.
You know, every time I do something that no one else in the world has done, it is because of that 11 year old. He is my motivator. He is the reason that I do so many 15 hour days. I don't want to disappoint him. He was such a sweet kid. He was just the nicest kid. In comparison to him, I am currently one evil son of a bitch. I would be absolutely ashamed to be introduced to that kid with him knowing that I am who he will become. That would break both of our hearts.
So since I have ruined that poor kid's life. Since I have taken all of the potential and goodness that that kid had and just fucked it all to hell, the least I could do is make one more concerted effort to fulfill that kid's destiny. I have 2 solid years left to do it. I need to get to it.
So, the last big thing that I will try to do before my time runs out is write that book that I have discussed before. It was the book I decided to write after watching the last Harry Potter movie. I have written 29 short stories in the last 6 months and I really feel that I have the style down. And currently my best selling erotica story is a story in 4 parts. Each story is self contained and sold separately but together they tell one over arching story.
This is how I will write the YA book. I am going to break the books down into four 12,000 to 20,000 word short stories. And I will break down the series into 5 books. That means that over the next 2 years I have to write 20 short stories. Considering that I have written 30 shorter short stories in 6 months, that seems very doable.
I plan on releasing the first one for free and then probably charge 2.99 for all of the rest. I expect to sell zero of most of them. I can also believe that I will sell none at all. It wouldn't be the first time. But I'm not looking at it as a money making venture. It is my attempt to explain the workings of the universe in a very easy to understand way. My book 'The First Day After Life' was something similar, but it is not easy to understand. If anyone ever had doubt that I was a genius, then they should read that book.
But my legacy will be being able to explain the purpose of life wrapped around an adventure and in a way that even a 10 year old girl can understand it. If I can do that, then I will have fulfilled my destiny. I will be able to let go and allow the universe to do with me what it will. Thanks to the ebook format the books will continue to exist long after I'm gone and, who knows, maybe some one at some point in time will discover it and appreciate it. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that I would have done everything that I could do.
That's my plan. I have never stopped thinking about the book and my mind has been working on it while I practiced my skills writing about sex. So some time soon I will sit down and map out all 20 stories and soon after that, the writing will begin. In truth I can feel a weight lifting off of my chest knowing that I am about to begin the last thing that I will ever NEED to do. It's actually quite a relief. It isn't particularly easy being me. I look forward to ridding myself of one of my biggest burdens.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I just wrote something that I've never written before
I just did something that I hadn't done in a while. I wrote a short story in one sitting. It was a 7,700 word story so it is actually one of my longer ones. It took me about 9 hours of fingers on the keyboard writing, and I did have to figure out a way around my mental fatigue half way through, but I did it. It seems that I'm not as much over the dizziness that I've been experiencing as I thought. And it's always been the case that if I am even a little sick I can't write. But motivated with the info that I need to publish 6 more stories to afford by place by myself, I kept on charging.
What made today even more monumental was that this was the first story that I've written since writing a really crappy story (which is doing really well in Germany) and knowing I had lost my soul. The soul searching was good for me. The result was a kind of story that I have never written before. Instead of story being about the aggressiveness of the sex, it was about the gentle exploration of the main character's sexuality. It was something I actually heard from the most successful writer that I have ever personally talk to.
Could it be the best thing I've ever written. Could be. The problem is though, when ever I say that, it ends up being one of my worst sellers. This story does have a concept and title which I'm sure will do well though. My first couple of titles were great successes. My next few, perhaps, represented me being too clever for my own good. They didn't do well.
This latest title though, is meat and potatoes. The concept is strong, and the writing is delicate. This is as mainstream as I have ever written. Will it sell big, I think so. And I'm willing to put my money behind it. I am going to pull out all of the things I've learned about making a book a top 100 book. We'll have to see how it works.
I still have to edit it and record (and edit) the audiobook. But I consider this as, 1 down and 5 more to go until financial freedom... and my office back. Yay!
Friday, April 13, 2012
This is my most romantic moment
I just finished watching Midnight in Paris and it was an enjoyable movie. It was about a man understanding that the present is a valuable place to be. The main character talks a lot about walking in the rain in Paris, and certainly it looks very beautiful. But watching it I realized that I know something that was even more beautiful.
I am from the Bahamas and although I don't live there I returned there a few years ago. I met this woman at a retreat and her long tanned limbs and mane of loosely curly hair allowed for a chemistry between us that I couldn't define. On her last day I invited her on a tour of the city. So spontaneously I rented a scooter and drove her around the most beautiful part of the island. While she gripped me tightly around my chest I pointed out the caves and all of the incredible homes. And as the rain started coming down we had to get back as soon as we could.
Dropping the scooters off, I ushered her out of the rain but she didn't leave. In her real life she described herself as being a timid flower, but here, in the rain in the Bahamas, she was someone else. And as the rain drenched us both, I looked at her watching the bulging curves of her face as she smiled back.
After a while we tucked away into an ocean side bar and talked as our legs touched underneath the bamboo bar top and there was nothing off limits in our conversation. The day turned to night and around mid-night we went looking for a dark cavernous restaurant where we tucked in and ate and drank until it was 2 in the morning.
Knowing that we had to leave we both walked the streets of the island. It was emptier and more quiet than I had ever seen it. And crossing the long well traveled bridge and through the lights of the flashy hotels' pool sides, we entered the moon lit darkness of the world's most seductive beach. We were silent as we both walked and our parting was filled with unspoken thoughts. In an email I would later learn what those unspoken thoughts were. She wanted desperately to make love with me that night. She described the lust that she felt for me as almost overwhelming and safely back in her real life she wanted me to know.
That was a moment that could rival any image or story that someone else could draw and it was my reality. That was my midnight in Paris except mine was real and thanks to the movie I can now see the moment for what it was. That was my life's most romantic moment. That was my gift that the great thinker that created us all presented to me with a wish that my life be more grand than the rest. That is my real life and as sad as I am that I didn't recognize it while it was happening, I am grateful that here, 5 years later, I have come to see this moment for what it was. I was certainly blessed, and I thank the darkness of this night that I have finally see it and my life for what it is; a beautiful story.
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