After long last, my roommate told me that he is moving out. There is a large part of me that doesn't believe him. The last thing he said to me in person was that he was going to live here and not pay me rent. After that he texted me a question about getting his deposit back if he could find a place at the end of the month. A couple days later he texted me saying that "It looks like it will happen" and asked again about the deposit. First I thought that it meant that he was moving, but after thinking about it, I realized how vague he was. He never really gave me notice. I don't think the psychological war has ended yet.
Having to prepare for both scenarios, I have to give thought to living in my place by myself. On a positive note, I will definitely be having much more sex. On a negative note, I will have to cover all of the expenses by myself. Can I afford it? Yes. But that means that I won't have as much expendable income as I used to.
Will I still be able to make my Mexico surfing trip this year? I don't know. I know that I could if I devote myself to writing erotica for the rest of the year. If I really devoted myself to it, I could double my income by Jan 1st 2013. But what that means is that I would have to not have a life again. And I would have to not write my non-erotica books.
I know I had this internal debate just a few days ago, but here I am again. This time the motivation is losing a person who is sharing my rent. I knew that I would be back here when it finally happened and like I suspected, I don't know what I will do.
I guess another motivation for me to devote myself to erotica for the rest of the year is that I, once again, would like to retreat from life. Sure I've been having a great time engaging in life, but losing myself in one of my obsessive behaviors has always been my answer for everything whenever something unpleasant has happened to me. Unfortunately something unpleasant has happened to me, and adding to it the fact that I will be shouldering all of my expenses, gives me a great excuse to retreat.
Thinking about it, maybe instead of retreating into my work, what I instead need is some sort of sensual experience. I either need to spend some time in a very good Jacuzzi, get a really great massage or have some awesome sex. I'm starting to again have that feeling where my skin feels like it's on fire and I need something to counteract it. It happens whenever I experience an isolating disappointment. Sadly, my meditation is no longer working like it used to. On top of that (or maybe it's because of it) I'm feeling very distracted as well.
Maybe I'll set that as my goal for this week. I have been needing a massage for a while now. So if my roommate leaves, I'm going to celebrate by getting me a little sensual healing. You know what? That is exactly what I'm going to do. Hmm... this week has just gotten a little brighter and more exciting.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
I finally see myself for who I am and I'm OK with it
When you are confronted with something that you fear, how do you react? I have managed to nobly face fear in the last few years. I've never feared much, but certainly there were definitely times when insecurity gripped me.
I have thought a lot about my current self doubt. It really is quite unusual for me. If you know me at all, you would know that I am generally over confident. I don't doubt myself and I tend to charge into what others turn away from. That isn't by chance. It is by design. I have always been taught fear is the opposite of spiritual enlightenment. So whenever I could, I looked fear in the eyes and walked toward it. That certainly isn't the case in all areas, but recently it has been true even in the areas that I too used to walk away from.
Keeping this in mind, today I thought that how unusual my self doubt has been. So what I did was what I often do when I can gain enough perspective on a topic. I asked myself, if someone else came to me explaining exactly what I'm going through, what would I say to them. What came out surprised me.
What I would say to myself if I were to elicit my own advice is, "Cristian, what you are experiencing is nothing more than fear. Think about it, has there been any time in your life when you made the choice of money over contributing to society?" And if I asked myself that, the answer would be no. Even when I was at my low points I still chose to remain focused on my goal. Even when I was offered jobs that others only dreamed about, I passed them up in order to stay on my path. Even when the money was really good, I walked away so that the vision that I had at 17 could be realized. "So what has changed now?" I think I would ask myself.
I think what has changed is that for the first time I am incredibly close to having what I've always wanted. This is the life I imagined back then and when it was easy to see the difference between what I was being offered and where I wanted to be, it was easy to walk away. But now that what I risk losing is everything I've always wanted, it's not so easy to walk away.
But ultimately I have to ask myself, "What is it that I believe in? Do I believe in this shit or not?" This is the second time I have had to ask myself this in 2 weeks. And hey, there is no way of telling what exists beyond this world, but there is nobility in devoting your life to a principle, even if the basis of that principle turns out not to be true.
I have had a lot of amazing things happen to me which confirms my beliefs. They seem to be still happening to me. My most recent is recent enough that I shouldn't have to question myself now. So now, after thinking about it, I say that I choose to follow my beliefs. I have never chosen money and security over making the attempt to make the world a better and easier place for others and I'm not going to start now.
I now accept that by stepping away from erotica, I will lose money. I accept that I could, some how, lose my momentum and I could lose the easy life that I have finally found. But on my death bed, I don't want my life to be about anything else except how much better I am leaving this world than I found it. I was blessed with a lot of things, and I have always said that the greatest sin in life is to not live up to your potential.
I have no control over how people will respond to the things I do. Obviously I have done things in the past where I overcame my fears about discussing my sex life and embarrassing moments and I had a greater affect on others than I could ever imagine. And there are times when I have done the same and failed. But one thing is true, if I had decided in either case to remain safe and comfortable, the things that I am now the most proud of, would never have happened.
So taking all of that into account, just now I finished the final project that I said that I would before I started working on the kids books. I am done with erotica for a while. It is now my time to try to contribute to society in a meaningful and long lasting way. I could horribly fail once again. I could succeed. But ultimately I want my life to be about the pursuit of something more important than money and pleasure. Life is pretty short. Death is infinitely long. I could stand to suffer a little longer if necessary. I don't need more stuff or trips. What I need is to live up to my greatest potential. And for me, living up to my greatest potential is me using my intelligence and life experience in a way that makes life better for others. Hopefully that is what I will achieve with my next few books. I will accept failure if that is my fate. I'm not scared of it any more. Fear never did really look good on me, I've always thought that I looked better in courage. I think I'll slip courage on for a while and remember how that feels.
And I'm not going to be working on my next projects for the praise from readers. I'm not going to even do it because of some need to gain a sense of purpose. I'm will be writing what I will because, this is who I am. I make attempts to make other people's lives better. This is who I have always been, and that is who I will continue to be until I die. The arrogant narcissistic is no more who I am than the humble sage. I am neither of them. All I am is a guy who does what he believes he was put here to do. I couldn't be anyone else if I tried. I get that now. And with that in mind, I'll get back to work now. Actually, I'll go do some scuba diving this weekend, then I'll get back to work. :-)
I have found myself again. I feel better now.
I have found myself again. I feel better now.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
20 Years Later and I'm Now Doubting the Purpose of My Life
I happen to have seen an old blog before writing this. It's title was "I might have made a mistake 20 years ago". I wrote it slightly over a year ago. I remember writing it. It was near my darkest time. I was off unemployment but barely making rent. I wasn't at the worst depressive place that I could be, but it was pretty damn bad.
The blog was talking about how 20 years ago I was a very spiritual kid that meditated twice a day and was very sure about my future. I had this psychic impression that I had to leave the spiritual path in order to gain life experience. I knew that I was supposed to be a spiritual teacher when I was older, and I was willing to give up anything to become that.
In the last 20 years some truly hellish things have happened to me. More than once I lost faith in my beliefs as well as god and any sort of purpose to life. I dipped in and out of depression and though I always maintained that fading memory of who I was, I changed.
What is ironic is that the vision that that 17 year old had for me is where I am now. It's airy and a little surprising. Since I wrote that last year, my life has changed so much. I make my living writing. What I write to make a living is very surprising but every erotic sentence I write, and every wanting protagonist that I create, with every turn of phrase makes me a better writer.
Since a year ago I have written about 35 short stories. I make what I made as the starting salary of my last corporate job, and I now have the time to write the book that 17 year old envisioned me writing. How did this happen. How did that 17 year old envision this? Or how did I hold onto one vision of my life for so long?
But here is the thing, I wonder if what I will write will matter. I could just continue to make money. I could write more and more and try to hit 6 figures by the end of the year. I could have more adventure trips and maybe buy a house. I could just play for whatever time I have left in life and I could just turn my back. After all, how real could any of the vision I had for myself be. I may get some good reviews and there may be a few people whose lives are better for having read my books, but are a few strangers' lives worth the heart ache that comes with mediocre sales for a book that you have poured everything you've had into? Is having a profound effect on, what, 20 or 50 people's lives worth it? It certainly doesn't feel like it from where I sit.
I write erotica and I have people writing me telling me how much they like my stories and asking me when the next one is coming out. 'Samurai Zombie Hunter' was friggin' brilliant, yet 1 guy asked me if I was going to write a sequel. 1 person! If I pour all of my remaining time and passion into this friggin' young adult book and 1 person finds it worthy, then what is the friggin' point? What would be the friggin' point?! I'm starting to think that there isn't one.
Then again, there are little things that makes me doubt my doubts. I can't deny that things have happened in my life that reaffirms its purpose. How is it that I think that dead people talk to me and then the things that they say come true? How is it that coincidences always so clearly answer the questions that I have presented to "the universe?" How is it that the hurricane thing happened when I was 16 or the psychic thing happened on 9/11? These things did happen and they continue to. And if these things are real, if they continue to pepper my life, then there must be more to life than what we see. And if the 17 year old version of myself saw that greater vision, then how can ignore it.
The problem is that I've worked friggin' hard my entire life. When did I stop giving and simply enjoy? Who knows how much time I have left. Shouldn't I get to enjoy the fruit of my hard work at some point? And if I don't do it now, will I ever get the chance again. Do I want to put forth the monumental task of writing a series of 5 books when in the end only 1 kid could email me to say, "hey, I got something from your books"? If my life were a novel written by some depressed guy, maybe that one kid would enough, but my life isn't the work of a depress novelist. It's my creation.
You know what else makes me feel like I can step away and just enjoy my life? I know that I have fundamentally changed the lives of at least 1000 people. I only had about 200 people write me and tell me specifically, but for every person that writes, there has to be at the very least 5 who don't. I'm talking about from the series of youtube videos that I created. I've changed the direction of lots of people's lives. Haven't I done enough? Haven't I already done more than 90% of the people on this planet?
Yet, what if the reason that I should write this book isn't for some one else, but for myself? What if I need to write these stories for me? What if I'm trying to puff myself up in my own mind by thinking that I'm this great wise person, when the only people that writing these book will ever help is me? And not in some profound spiritual way, but in some basic way like, my simply needing to tell stories. What if I need to write these stories more than the world needs to read them? Jesus, how sad would that be? Fuck! Maybe I'm just some sad little writer that just needs to be heard to justify my life. And if I really step back and think about this logically, that does seem like the more reasonable explanation. Wow, how sad. How heartbreakingly sad.
On a separate, or maybe related note, my happiness mediation isn't working as well as it used to. I think that I need a massage to recharge it. The mediation is based on remembering what my last hand and foot massage felt like. But it's sort of like what happens when someone keeps rubbing the same spot on your arm, that spot goes numb. My hands and feet have gone numb to the constant remembering of the massages. I think I need to refresh those memories with actually massages. The question is who can I get to give me a massage?
I think I need to attract someone into my life that likes the idea of giving me massages. I know there are people like this out there. Oh how I remember the Swedish dancer and the other one who inspired my character in 'Happiness Thru the Art of Penis Enlargement'. I wonder if the the universe would hook me up with someone like that again. I wonder how I can make that happen?
And on news about the roommate wars, the whole thing is about to take a really dark turn. I realize that at this point, I want to win more than I want him out. He did this, though. Instead of just being reasonable, he basically said that I couldn't get him out of my home even if I tried. He challenged me. I would never back down to a challenge like that. I would never back away from a challenge over who controls my life. So now I have to win and I have to pay for my apartment by myself.
Ya know, I liked having another live body in the apartment; not him, but everyone before him. And there is going to be a lot of pressure for my books to sell once he does move out. And here I am about to devote months of my life to writing some crap, non-selling books. I rarely doubt myself, but I am having doubts right now. I am having doubts.
The blog was talking about how 20 years ago I was a very spiritual kid that meditated twice a day and was very sure about my future. I had this psychic impression that I had to leave the spiritual path in order to gain life experience. I knew that I was supposed to be a spiritual teacher when I was older, and I was willing to give up anything to become that.
In the last 20 years some truly hellish things have happened to me. More than once I lost faith in my beliefs as well as god and any sort of purpose to life. I dipped in and out of depression and though I always maintained that fading memory of who I was, I changed.
What is ironic is that the vision that that 17 year old had for me is where I am now. It's airy and a little surprising. Since I wrote that last year, my life has changed so much. I make my living writing. What I write to make a living is very surprising but every erotic sentence I write, and every wanting protagonist that I create, with every turn of phrase makes me a better writer.
Since a year ago I have written about 35 short stories. I make what I made as the starting salary of my last corporate job, and I now have the time to write the book that 17 year old envisioned me writing. How did this happen. How did that 17 year old envision this? Or how did I hold onto one vision of my life for so long?
But here is the thing, I wonder if what I will write will matter. I could just continue to make money. I could write more and more and try to hit 6 figures by the end of the year. I could have more adventure trips and maybe buy a house. I could just play for whatever time I have left in life and I could just turn my back. After all, how real could any of the vision I had for myself be. I may get some good reviews and there may be a few people whose lives are better for having read my books, but are a few strangers' lives worth the heart ache that comes with mediocre sales for a book that you have poured everything you've had into? Is having a profound effect on, what, 20 or 50 people's lives worth it? It certainly doesn't feel like it from where I sit.
I write erotica and I have people writing me telling me how much they like my stories and asking me when the next one is coming out. 'Samurai Zombie Hunter' was friggin' brilliant, yet 1 guy asked me if I was going to write a sequel. 1 person! If I pour all of my remaining time and passion into this friggin' young adult book and 1 person finds it worthy, then what is the friggin' point? What would be the friggin' point?! I'm starting to think that there isn't one.
Then again, there are little things that makes me doubt my doubts. I can't deny that things have happened in my life that reaffirms its purpose. How is it that I think that dead people talk to me and then the things that they say come true? How is it that coincidences always so clearly answer the questions that I have presented to "the universe?" How is it that the hurricane thing happened when I was 16 or the psychic thing happened on 9/11? These things did happen and they continue to. And if these things are real, if they continue to pepper my life, then there must be more to life than what we see. And if the 17 year old version of myself saw that greater vision, then how can ignore it.
The problem is that I've worked friggin' hard my entire life. When did I stop giving and simply enjoy? Who knows how much time I have left. Shouldn't I get to enjoy the fruit of my hard work at some point? And if I don't do it now, will I ever get the chance again. Do I want to put forth the monumental task of writing a series of 5 books when in the end only 1 kid could email me to say, "hey, I got something from your books"? If my life were a novel written by some depressed guy, maybe that one kid would enough, but my life isn't the work of a depress novelist. It's my creation.
You know what else makes me feel like I can step away and just enjoy my life? I know that I have fundamentally changed the lives of at least 1000 people. I only had about 200 people write me and tell me specifically, but for every person that writes, there has to be at the very least 5 who don't. I'm talking about from the series of youtube videos that I created. I've changed the direction of lots of people's lives. Haven't I done enough? Haven't I already done more than 90% of the people on this planet?
Yet, what if the reason that I should write this book isn't for some one else, but for myself? What if I need to write these stories for me? What if I'm trying to puff myself up in my own mind by thinking that I'm this great wise person, when the only people that writing these book will ever help is me? And not in some profound spiritual way, but in some basic way like, my simply needing to tell stories. What if I need to write these stories more than the world needs to read them? Jesus, how sad would that be? Fuck! Maybe I'm just some sad little writer that just needs to be heard to justify my life. And if I really step back and think about this logically, that does seem like the more reasonable explanation. Wow, how sad. How heartbreakingly sad.
On a separate, or maybe related note, my happiness mediation isn't working as well as it used to. I think that I need a massage to recharge it. The mediation is based on remembering what my last hand and foot massage felt like. But it's sort of like what happens when someone keeps rubbing the same spot on your arm, that spot goes numb. My hands and feet have gone numb to the constant remembering of the massages. I think I need to refresh those memories with actually massages. The question is who can I get to give me a massage?
I think I need to attract someone into my life that likes the idea of giving me massages. I know there are people like this out there. Oh how I remember the Swedish dancer and the other one who inspired my character in 'Happiness Thru the Art of Penis Enlargement'. I wonder if the the universe would hook me up with someone like that again. I wonder how I can make that happen?
And on news about the roommate wars, the whole thing is about to take a really dark turn. I realize that at this point, I want to win more than I want him out. He did this, though. Instead of just being reasonable, he basically said that I couldn't get him out of my home even if I tried. He challenged me. I would never back down to a challenge like that. I would never back away from a challenge over who controls my life. So now I have to win and I have to pay for my apartment by myself.
Ya know, I liked having another live body in the apartment; not him, but everyone before him. And there is going to be a lot of pressure for my books to sell once he does move out. And here I am about to devote months of my life to writing some crap, non-selling books. I rarely doubt myself, but I am having doubts right now. I am having doubts.
Friday, June 29, 2012
This is want a near perfect day looks like in my world
Today was a good day. I think I need to acknowledge it and breath it in a little more. Today started out with me stepping up my psychological warfare against my roommate. He isn't a bad guy, but he is a horrible roommate for me. So for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to help him understand that he would be happier somewhere else. Today was a ramping up of the efforts. Today was me walking around the apartment naked.
When I came up with the idea I mostly thought about how much it would creep him out. I'm not sure how successful I was. He's a very liberal, but an uptight guy. I have to assume that he found it off-putting to see me sitting in the living room naked watching tennis the first thing in morning. How could he not.
But there was something else that happened that I didn't expect. It was freeing. I'm not a particularly uptight guy, but I'm well aware of the social norms and I adhere to them. I adhere to them even more than I have to. So just being butt-ass naked saying, 'look, this is what I'm doing', felt extremely comfortable. In fact, I liked it. It wasn't a sexual thing. It was just about feeling very comfortable with who I am. And if I got the bonus of making him squirm, then it was a perfect experience.
The big thing for me now is to figure out how to do it enough so that he can't get comfortable with it. In theory, I want my roommate to think every morning, "Oh god, am I going to be confronted with a naked black man again this morning." That is the goal.
Later, after he left and I got dressed, I finished audiobook #7 of 7. It feels like I have been working on these 7 books for a month. I haven't really, but it feels like it. I have spent a lot of time with earbuds in trying to create natural speech patterns out of what amounts to a series of phrases. And finishing that I feel a real sense of fulfillment. It is a sense that I don't often get because in what I do, there is no end, simply another story.
After that I hopped on the internet and found out that the healthcare bill was upheld. As a self employed person, I have been watching this very closely. Without it upheld, I will finally be able to get health insurance. And if it get enacted soon enough I may actually live longer than 2 years. That might be nice, but it would have the unfortunate side effect of me having to fill in a whole lot more time that I haven't been planing for. Hmm... so maybe that one isn't completely a good thing.
Another thing is that, all during the day I have been doing what I always do when there is a major tennis tournament on; I have been watching tennis. And because I was editing audio, I have watched every minute of the 10 hour broadcasts. The last match tonight was Nadal playing the 100 ranked player in the world. I don't particularly like Nadal, but I accept that he will be in the finals. He wasn't playing well in round 1, but he is Nadal, so no matter how he plays he will be in the finals.
So as I watched this match, his opponent was playing better than I have ever seen anyone one else play in years. But there is a reason why this guy is #100 and Nadal has 11 grand slam titles. I was very impressed with this new guy's play, but there was no way he could keep it up. I mean, the guy was playing near lights out. No one in the world could beat him the way he was playing.
So after he took the second set off of Nadal I kept thinking, "well, that was fun to watch, but here is where it ends." And I kept thinking that. Even after it got into the 5th set and the guy immediately broke Nadal I thought, "fun, but here is where it ends." The man was even serving for the match and I kept thinking the same thing.
The man beat Nadal in the second round of Wimbledon. I was shocked! It was one of the most impressive performances I have ever witnessed. I have never seen someone destroy such a great player before. It was a great match. And the added bonus of it is that Roger Federer will at least be #2 in the world once Wimbledon is complete. Go Federer!
And then finally today, I was watching Charlie Rose where he was talking with the director and stars of Spiderman. The director mentioned that at the heart of the story, it is about a boy who, because his parents have abandoned him, has a hole inside of him that he is always trying to fill.
As he talked about it, I realized that my YA story was screaming out for another side to it. My lead will be a victim of sexual abuse. She will never have felt loved or cared for. That is such a psychological rich story device. People who have massive holes to fill have motivation to make decisions about who they trust and will follow. With my lead having such a huge hole, I know exactly where the heart wrenching drama will come from in each of the stories.
Because she has this hole she will be easily swayed and when she is betrayed time and again, it will not only be painful for the audience to see, but she will seek vengence for it like a mad woman, creating even more situations that she must repent for. This might be hard to understand without knowing what the stories are, but let's just say that the story just got a level of emotional depth to go along with its intricately woven plot and insightful ponderances. I think that I have finally hit that point when all of the pillars of the story is there and I can start working on the details. With only a few things still in front of it, it's not long now. T
When I came up with the idea I mostly thought about how much it would creep him out. I'm not sure how successful I was. He's a very liberal, but an uptight guy. I have to assume that he found it off-putting to see me sitting in the living room naked watching tennis the first thing in morning. How could he not.
But there was something else that happened that I didn't expect. It was freeing. I'm not a particularly uptight guy, but I'm well aware of the social norms and I adhere to them. I adhere to them even more than I have to. So just being butt-ass naked saying, 'look, this is what I'm doing', felt extremely comfortable. In fact, I liked it. It wasn't a sexual thing. It was just about feeling very comfortable with who I am. And if I got the bonus of making him squirm, then it was a perfect experience.
The big thing for me now is to figure out how to do it enough so that he can't get comfortable with it. In theory, I want my roommate to think every morning, "Oh god, am I going to be confronted with a naked black man again this morning." That is the goal.
Later, after he left and I got dressed, I finished audiobook #7 of 7. It feels like I have been working on these 7 books for a month. I haven't really, but it feels like it. I have spent a lot of time with earbuds in trying to create natural speech patterns out of what amounts to a series of phrases. And finishing that I feel a real sense of fulfillment. It is a sense that I don't often get because in what I do, there is no end, simply another story.
After that I hopped on the internet and found out that the healthcare bill was upheld. As a self employed person, I have been watching this very closely. Without it upheld, I will finally be able to get health insurance. And if it get enacted soon enough I may actually live longer than 2 years. That might be nice, but it would have the unfortunate side effect of me having to fill in a whole lot more time that I haven't been planing for. Hmm... so maybe that one isn't completely a good thing.
Another thing is that, all during the day I have been doing what I always do when there is a major tennis tournament on; I have been watching tennis. And because I was editing audio, I have watched every minute of the 10 hour broadcasts. The last match tonight was Nadal playing the 100 ranked player in the world. I don't particularly like Nadal, but I accept that he will be in the finals. He wasn't playing well in round 1, but he is Nadal, so no matter how he plays he will be in the finals.
So as I watched this match, his opponent was playing better than I have ever seen anyone one else play in years. But there is a reason why this guy is #100 and Nadal has 11 grand slam titles. I was very impressed with this new guy's play, but there was no way he could keep it up. I mean, the guy was playing near lights out. No one in the world could beat him the way he was playing.
So after he took the second set off of Nadal I kept thinking, "well, that was fun to watch, but here is where it ends." And I kept thinking that. Even after it got into the 5th set and the guy immediately broke Nadal I thought, "fun, but here is where it ends." The man was even serving for the match and I kept thinking the same thing.
The man beat Nadal in the second round of Wimbledon. I was shocked! It was one of the most impressive performances I have ever witnessed. I have never seen someone destroy such a great player before. It was a great match. And the added bonus of it is that Roger Federer will at least be #2 in the world once Wimbledon is complete. Go Federer!
And then finally today, I was watching Charlie Rose where he was talking with the director and stars of Spiderman. The director mentioned that at the heart of the story, it is about a boy who, because his parents have abandoned him, has a hole inside of him that he is always trying to fill.
As he talked about it, I realized that my YA story was screaming out for another side to it. My lead will be a victim of sexual abuse. She will never have felt loved or cared for. That is such a psychological rich story device. People who have massive holes to fill have motivation to make decisions about who they trust and will follow. With my lead having such a huge hole, I know exactly where the heart wrenching drama will come from in each of the stories.
Because she has this hole she will be easily swayed and when she is betrayed time and again, it will not only be painful for the audience to see, but she will seek vengence for it like a mad woman, creating even more situations that she must repent for. This might be hard to understand without knowing what the stories are, but let's just say that the story just got a level of emotional depth to go along with its intricately woven plot and insightful ponderances. I think that I have finally hit that point when all of the pillars of the story is there and I can start working on the details. With only a few things still in front of it, it's not long now. T
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The 14-Year-Old Female Protagonist of My Next Novel will be Sexual Abused... and Other Observations
I have mentioned a few times before that I belong to a forum of writers. When I switched to erotica there was a writer in particular that I watched. She wrote in the same sub-genre as I did and she had 3 stories released. She is a very slow writer and It took me less than a month to overtake her in terms of my number of releases and revenue. I felt a little uncomfortable about it because she published months before me and I was doing better than her.
About 2 months after our forum started she disappeared for a few weeks. When she came back she admitted that she had become depressed over her lack of success and I couldn't help but think that it had to do with me. There were only 3 of us writing in that sub-genre and I was the one most succeeding.
Well, she got back to writing and switched sub-genres. After that she did a little better but still is not doing that well. And she was still a slow writer so I started thinking of her as one of the writers that wouldn't go anywhere. It takes devotion to earn big numbers in erotica and 1 release every 3 weeks won't cut it.
Six weeks ago she released a story. It didn't seem very special but it made it to the Hot New Release list for erotica. I always wonder how that happens because I have yet to make it to that list and I have a mailing list of 300 people. I know that she doesn't have a mailing list or a strong fan base yet there she was.
I continue to watch her book and it keeps climbing the list until it is # 2 behind a recent release of 50 Shades of Grey. After that it enters the Erotica top 100 list. Eventually it made it to # 1 in Erotica and started climbing the Romance list.
Today it did something special. It entered the overall top 100 books list on Amazon. That's quite a feat. I would love to say that I'm proud of her but I'm not really. I know I should be happy for her because she's someone from my group but I don't really feel it. Everyone on the group is thrilled for her. They are very supportive over there, but I guess I assume success. People succeed over there and she is just the latest one. We had someone get to #25 on Amazon. This is what happens. After the previous person made it to #25 she dropped off all of the list. People go up and they go down. This current person sold 15,000 books in the last 2 months, but I keep thinking, what will her book count be at the end of the year?
I'm wondering if my lack of enthusiasm has anything to do with the increased amount of oxytocin in my body. It's almost like a numbing feeling going on. But it's not like the numbing that comes with depression. I kind of feel like how androids in movies look like they feel. I feel unaffected. In fact, today someone I know completely made up something about me that has no basis in reality and posted it on facebook. And where as usually I would do something extreme like attack back or plot revenge, today I pretty much just dismissed it. There's no doubt about it, I feel different.
I was also watching a special on Pixar today. It was extremely interesting. The director of Toy Story is one hell of a story teller. He has a knack for humor and pulling the heart strings which is unparalleled. I think that I will add an element of heart to my YA story. I have never gone for emotionalism before. The first 4 times that I read the ending of my book 'The First Day After Life' I cried. I didn't write it to evoke tears and I'm not sure if it did it for anyone else. But I am going to make pulling heartstrings a goal in the YA story.
I was also giving thinking about something else pertaining to the YA book. At one point I was debating the idea of having the female 14 year old main character be the victim of sexual abuse. My thought was that I would have her escape to a different world to escape the abuse only to realize that she has left her little sister there to suffer the same fate. I wanted to use that to give the character something real to want to get back for. And I wanted her to have a reason for getting back that was so strong that no matter how glorious her new lives are and how much she loves the boys that she meets, she will still have a no-explanation reason for wanting to get back home. That is what I call true conflict and true obstacle for love.
Everyone minus 1 or 2 people said that I shouldn't do it. I have thought about it for about 6 months now. I'm doing it. If people don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm not writing Harry Potter. In almost all of my stories I deal with sex. And just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean that they can't go on to laugh and love and live. And what's more, it will make what happens in the end of the last book, very substantial.
This is the book that I'm writing and I'm writing about life. What I have learned in the 20 years since I started my journey of discovery is that in life, horrible things happen to people, but that doesn't define them. This overweight, unattractive, sexually abused girl that no one loves accept the one person that she abandons, is not only going to survive her horrible beginning, but she is going to go on to be the most important human to ever live. That is the journey that I'm going to tell. And having thought about it for so long now, I am very confident that this is the story that I was meant to write.
About 2 months after our forum started she disappeared for a few weeks. When she came back she admitted that she had become depressed over her lack of success and I couldn't help but think that it had to do with me. There were only 3 of us writing in that sub-genre and I was the one most succeeding.
Well, she got back to writing and switched sub-genres. After that she did a little better but still is not doing that well. And she was still a slow writer so I started thinking of her as one of the writers that wouldn't go anywhere. It takes devotion to earn big numbers in erotica and 1 release every 3 weeks won't cut it.
Six weeks ago she released a story. It didn't seem very special but it made it to the Hot New Release list for erotica. I always wonder how that happens because I have yet to make it to that list and I have a mailing list of 300 people. I know that she doesn't have a mailing list or a strong fan base yet there she was.
I continue to watch her book and it keeps climbing the list until it is # 2 behind a recent release of 50 Shades of Grey. After that it enters the Erotica top 100 list. Eventually it made it to # 1 in Erotica and started climbing the Romance list.
Today it did something special. It entered the overall top 100 books list on Amazon. That's quite a feat. I would love to say that I'm proud of her but I'm not really. I know I should be happy for her because she's someone from my group but I don't really feel it. Everyone on the group is thrilled for her. They are very supportive over there, but I guess I assume success. People succeed over there and she is just the latest one. We had someone get to #25 on Amazon. This is what happens. After the previous person made it to #25 she dropped off all of the list. People go up and they go down. This current person sold 15,000 books in the last 2 months, but I keep thinking, what will her book count be at the end of the year?
I'm wondering if my lack of enthusiasm has anything to do with the increased amount of oxytocin in my body. It's almost like a numbing feeling going on. But it's not like the numbing that comes with depression. I kind of feel like how androids in movies look like they feel. I feel unaffected. In fact, today someone I know completely made up something about me that has no basis in reality and posted it on facebook. And where as usually I would do something extreme like attack back or plot revenge, today I pretty much just dismissed it. There's no doubt about it, I feel different.
I was also watching a special on Pixar today. It was extremely interesting. The director of Toy Story is one hell of a story teller. He has a knack for humor and pulling the heart strings which is unparalleled. I think that I will add an element of heart to my YA story. I have never gone for emotionalism before. The first 4 times that I read the ending of my book 'The First Day After Life' I cried. I didn't write it to evoke tears and I'm not sure if it did it for anyone else. But I am going to make pulling heartstrings a goal in the YA story.
I was also giving thinking about something else pertaining to the YA book. At one point I was debating the idea of having the female 14 year old main character be the victim of sexual abuse. My thought was that I would have her escape to a different world to escape the abuse only to realize that she has left her little sister there to suffer the same fate. I wanted to use that to give the character something real to want to get back for. And I wanted her to have a reason for getting back that was so strong that no matter how glorious her new lives are and how much she loves the boys that she meets, she will still have a no-explanation reason for wanting to get back home. That is what I call true conflict and true obstacle for love.
Everyone minus 1 or 2 people said that I shouldn't do it. I have thought about it for about 6 months now. I'm doing it. If people don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm not writing Harry Potter. In almost all of my stories I deal with sex. And just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean that they can't go on to laugh and love and live. And what's more, it will make what happens in the end of the last book, very substantial.
This is the book that I'm writing and I'm writing about life. What I have learned in the 20 years since I started my journey of discovery is that in life, horrible things happen to people, but that doesn't define them. This overweight, unattractive, sexually abused girl that no one loves accept the one person that she abandons, is not only going to survive her horrible beginning, but she is going to go on to be the most important human to ever live. That is the journey that I'm going to tell. And having thought about it for so long now, I am very confident that this is the story that I was meant to write.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I Think I Know How Yoda Felt
I watched the movie Prometheus today. It was good. But during it I came up with a key feature for the Young Adult book that I will be writing. I figured out what the twist to the story in Book 1 will be. This won't be twist like a mystery would have. This twist is what will make the story unique. I would say that I've never read a book like it, but who would I be kidding, I don't read so of course I haven't. Oh, but I will also say that I've never seen it in a movie or a TV show and that should account for something.
Today I was also editing one of my erotic audio books. It was a unique experience. I really liked the way that the words flowed together. It was almost melodic. It reminds me that a building number of my reviews involved the reviewer referring to me as a talented writer. Since I don't read, I'm not sure what that means. What would qualify someone as being talented. Is it the way the author combines the words to make it seem like poetry? Is it that the story is so sophisticated that it exceeds what others are doing? I don't get it? What is it about my work that makes others refer to me as talented?
In either case, I wish I were talented. It would be nice. If I were talented, I would do justice to this YA book. It is a unique concept and I will say big things in it. If I could combine the words in a melodic way while the story is bread and butter "stable girl becomes a knight under the tutelage of a master"... you know the Star Wars/Generic Fantasy structure, I would have something. Alas, I can only do what I can do and no more. If my other books are any indication, no one will read this new one no matter how good it is, but I'm trying to write something that will transcend time. And it would be very helpful when I did it if I were actually talented. I guess we can't have it all though.
I have also decided that although I first decided to write this because I thought that I could write a Harry Potter, it wouldn't be like that. Nor will it be like Hunger Games. If I had to compare it to something, I would say the TV show Quantum Leap. The basic structure of the story will be just like that. But story wise it will be closer to Star Wars maybe. It will be a love story though. Not your conventional type but a love story none the less. And what it will be most of all is a story that through adventure and romance, will explain who we are as human beings. Not in the obvious way, but in the the way that I have discovered over the past two decades. One that involves the intersection of biology and spirituality and how the two interact.
On another topic, when I was walking out of the theater today, for the first time I thought about how lucky I was. That isn't a thought that I have had in years if at all. But it started the other night when I was talking to a movie script writer. He was telling me about how a production company hired him to write something and I just cringed thinking about how he was completely subject to that production company's whims. How awful. And then today walking out of the theater after I finished editing my audiobook, I thought about how I am absolutely free to write anything. I'll repeat that. My life is such that I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to write it. Can you imagine that? And I can make my living while doing it. How crazy is that?
Which I guess brings me to another topic. The meditation I'm doing is effecting me pretty strongly. I am again starting to feel the peace I had a long time ago. It is hard to believe it is happening so quickly, but it is. But there is a side effect that's happening which could have happened when I was 17, but I didn't have the life experience to realize it at the time. I'm starting to feel disconnected from the people around me. I'm going through moments when I lose my will to engage with people. I used to enjoy engaging with people. Now I'm starting to feel content just being and not talking.
When I was a kid, I remember feeling like a complete person, a whole. I wonder if this was what it felt like back then. I have to guess that it was. How could it not be. So, I guess I am slowly regaining my inner peace. It's odd. But I guess that if I were on a spiritual path, a destiny, this is the way that it would work. I knew at 17 that even though I abandoned the path, I would eventually return to it once I've learned what I needed to learn so that I can teach it. But is it actually coming true? Has my life really been so well designed? I find it hard to believe. I did not have a small vision for my destiny when I was 17. I would hate to have to fulfill the rest of what I saw for myself back then. Then again, back then I was incredibly in touch with something I can barely understand now. If I saw it as having a purpose, then I'm sure that there was a good reason for it. I don't think I'll have to worry about that though. But of course, I didn't think that I would end up where I am either. Interesting.
Today I was also editing one of my erotic audio books. It was a unique experience. I really liked the way that the words flowed together. It was almost melodic. It reminds me that a building number of my reviews involved the reviewer referring to me as a talented writer. Since I don't read, I'm not sure what that means. What would qualify someone as being talented. Is it the way the author combines the words to make it seem like poetry? Is it that the story is so sophisticated that it exceeds what others are doing? I don't get it? What is it about my work that makes others refer to me as talented?
In either case, I wish I were talented. It would be nice. If I were talented, I would do justice to this YA book. It is a unique concept and I will say big things in it. If I could combine the words in a melodic way while the story is bread and butter "stable girl becomes a knight under the tutelage of a master"... you know the Star Wars/Generic Fantasy structure, I would have something. Alas, I can only do what I can do and no more. If my other books are any indication, no one will read this new one no matter how good it is, but I'm trying to write something that will transcend time. And it would be very helpful when I did it if I were actually talented. I guess we can't have it all though.
I have also decided that although I first decided to write this because I thought that I could write a Harry Potter, it wouldn't be like that. Nor will it be like Hunger Games. If I had to compare it to something, I would say the TV show Quantum Leap. The basic structure of the story will be just like that. But story wise it will be closer to Star Wars maybe. It will be a love story though. Not your conventional type but a love story none the less. And what it will be most of all is a story that through adventure and romance, will explain who we are as human beings. Not in the obvious way, but in the the way that I have discovered over the past two decades. One that involves the intersection of biology and spirituality and how the two interact.
On another topic, when I was walking out of the theater today, for the first time I thought about how lucky I was. That isn't a thought that I have had in years if at all. But it started the other night when I was talking to a movie script writer. He was telling me about how a production company hired him to write something and I just cringed thinking about how he was completely subject to that production company's whims. How awful. And then today walking out of the theater after I finished editing my audiobook, I thought about how I am absolutely free to write anything. I'll repeat that. My life is such that I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to write it. Can you imagine that? And I can make my living while doing it. How crazy is that?
Which I guess brings me to another topic. The meditation I'm doing is effecting me pretty strongly. I am again starting to feel the peace I had a long time ago. It is hard to believe it is happening so quickly, but it is. But there is a side effect that's happening which could have happened when I was 17, but I didn't have the life experience to realize it at the time. I'm starting to feel disconnected from the people around me. I'm going through moments when I lose my will to engage with people. I used to enjoy engaging with people. Now I'm starting to feel content just being and not talking.
When I was a kid, I remember feeling like a complete person, a whole. I wonder if this was what it felt like back then. I have to guess that it was. How could it not be. So, I guess I am slowly regaining my inner peace. It's odd. But I guess that if I were on a spiritual path, a destiny, this is the way that it would work. I knew at 17 that even though I abandoned the path, I would eventually return to it once I've learned what I needed to learn so that I can teach it. But is it actually coming true? Has my life really been so well designed? I find it hard to believe. I did not have a small vision for my destiny when I was 17. I would hate to have to fulfill the rest of what I saw for myself back then. Then again, back then I was incredibly in touch with something I can barely understand now. If I saw it as having a purpose, then I'm sure that there was a good reason for it. I don't think I'll have to worry about that though. But of course, I didn't think that I would end up where I am either. Interesting.
Friday, June 1, 2012
I've Invented a Guaranteed Path to Happiness... Seriously!
After my last post I gave more thought to the meditation idea. I decided to go for it. And lying in my bed the next morning I was trying to figure out what style of meditation I would use. When I was a kid I did Chakra mediation. That is when you picture balls of color on various parts of your body. Thinking back on it now it seems kind of odd. But there is no denying that it worked.There is also things like mantra mediation and thoughtless mediation.
I didn't actually want to do any of those. Instead I remembered something else from my post. I did a google search to make sure that oxytocin was associated with meditation as I had said and it was. Studies have shown that the feel good neurochemical oxytocin can be released during meditation and it could be because during meditation we think of times when oxytocin has been released in the past. According to studies, imagery alone has been shown to release oxytocin.
This fact intrigued me. So what I decided to do was try something that I've never heard of before. Instead of meditating on god or some religious or spiritual thought, I would use science. I would meditate on times when I had received massages. I have always loved massages and massages have been shown to release oxytocin. So what I did was lay in my bed on top of the covers and with my arms and legs apart and I remembered the feeling of someone massaging my hands. After about 10 or 15 minutes of this, I felt almost as good as I did when I was being massaged. It worked! It worked incredibly well. It worked so well that I felt it needed a name. I decided to call it Happiness Meditation.
Since then I have meditated every day. And why not? It takes no time to do it and afterwards I fell like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly day. I even feel a little drunk afterwards. How has no one come up with this type of mediation before? And if they have, why aren't the spreading the word about it. It's friggin' awesome and I feel a ton better. Why are people still chanting mantra trying to clear their mind looking for Nirvana? It's so hard with so little reward for most of us.
Since then I have not felt stressed about my sales numbers even though I've been checking them. And I just feel better about everything. This has got to be because of the Happiness Meditation and the best part is that it's based in science. I love that!
Ok, like I said I have been checking my sales numbers. I didn't really want to, but someone who makes a ton more money than I do selling books, told me that my number should be higher and they gave me some tips. After I followed them I had to see if they were working. And it is way too tempting not to check all of the numbers once you've started checking a few.
I would like to go on and complain about something else, but the truth is that I don't feel like it. Nothing quite seems as bad as it once did. Is it the constant stream of oxytocin that I'm getting? Maybe. But let me tell you. If you want to feel happier, try this. Science has proven that this technique works, so it certainly couldn't hurt.
I didn't actually want to do any of those. Instead I remembered something else from my post. I did a google search to make sure that oxytocin was associated with meditation as I had said and it was. Studies have shown that the feel good neurochemical oxytocin can be released during meditation and it could be because during meditation we think of times when oxytocin has been released in the past. According to studies, imagery alone has been shown to release oxytocin.
This fact intrigued me. So what I decided to do was try something that I've never heard of before. Instead of meditating on god or some religious or spiritual thought, I would use science. I would meditate on times when I had received massages. I have always loved massages and massages have been shown to release oxytocin. So what I did was lay in my bed on top of the covers and with my arms and legs apart and I remembered the feeling of someone massaging my hands. After about 10 or 15 minutes of this, I felt almost as good as I did when I was being massaged. It worked! It worked incredibly well. It worked so well that I felt it needed a name. I decided to call it Happiness Meditation.
Since then I have meditated every day. And why not? It takes no time to do it and afterwards I fell like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly day. I even feel a little drunk afterwards. How has no one come up with this type of mediation before? And if they have, why aren't the spreading the word about it. It's friggin' awesome and I feel a ton better. Why are people still chanting mantra trying to clear their mind looking for Nirvana? It's so hard with so little reward for most of us.
Since then I have not felt stressed about my sales numbers even though I've been checking them. And I just feel better about everything. This has got to be because of the Happiness Meditation and the best part is that it's based in science. I love that!
Ok, like I said I have been checking my sales numbers. I didn't really want to, but someone who makes a ton more money than I do selling books, told me that my number should be higher and they gave me some tips. After I followed them I had to see if they were working. And it is way too tempting not to check all of the numbers once you've started checking a few.
I would like to go on and complain about something else, but the truth is that I don't feel like it. Nothing quite seems as bad as it once did. Is it the constant stream of oxytocin that I'm getting? Maybe. But let me tell you. If you want to feel happier, try this. Science has proven that this technique works, so it certainly couldn't hurt.
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