Today was a good day. I think I need to acknowledge it and breath it in a little more. Today started out with me stepping up my psychological warfare against my roommate. He isn't a bad guy, but he is a horrible roommate for me. So for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to help him understand that he would be happier somewhere else. Today was a ramping up of the efforts. Today was me walking around the apartment naked.
When I came up with the idea I mostly thought about how much it would creep him out. I'm not sure how successful I was. He's a very liberal, but an uptight guy. I have to assume that he found it off-putting to see me sitting in the living room naked watching tennis the first thing in morning. How could he not.
But there was something else that happened that I didn't expect. It was freeing. I'm not a particularly uptight guy, but I'm well aware of the social norms and I adhere to them. I adhere to them even more than I have to. So just being butt-ass naked saying, 'look, this is what I'm doing', felt extremely comfortable. In fact, I liked it. It wasn't a sexual thing. It was just about feeling very comfortable with who I am. And if I got the bonus of making him squirm, then it was a perfect experience.
The big thing for me now is to figure out how to do it enough so that he can't get comfortable with it. In theory, I want my roommate to think every morning, "Oh god, am I going to be confronted with a naked black man again this morning." That is the goal.
Later, after he left and I got dressed, I finished audiobook #7 of 7. It feels like I have been working on these 7 books for a month. I haven't really, but it feels like it. I have spent a lot of time with earbuds in trying to create natural speech patterns out of what amounts to a series of phrases. And finishing that I feel a real sense of fulfillment. It is a sense that I don't often get because in what I do, there is no end, simply another story.
After that I hopped on the internet and found out that the healthcare bill was upheld. As a self employed person, I have been watching this very closely. Without it upheld, I will finally be able to get health insurance. And if it get enacted soon enough I may actually live longer than 2 years. That might be nice, but it would have the unfortunate side effect of me having to fill in a whole lot more time that I haven't been planing for. Hmm... so maybe that one isn't completely a good thing.
Another thing is that, all during the day I have been doing what I always do when there is a major tennis tournament on; I have been watching tennis. And because I was editing audio, I have watched every minute of the 10 hour broadcasts. The last match tonight was Nadal playing the 100 ranked player in the world. I don't particularly like Nadal, but I accept that he will be in the finals. He wasn't playing well in round 1, but he is Nadal, so no matter how he plays he will be in the finals.
So as I watched this match, his opponent was playing better than I have ever seen anyone one else play in years. But there is a reason why this guy is #100 and Nadal has 11 grand slam titles. I was very impressed with this new guy's play, but there was no way he could keep it up. I mean, the guy was playing near lights out. No one in the world could beat him the way he was playing.
So after he took the second set off of Nadal I kept thinking, "well, that was fun to watch, but here is where it ends." And I kept thinking that. Even after it got into the 5th set and the guy immediately broke Nadal I thought, "fun, but here is where it ends." The man was even serving for the match and I kept thinking the same thing.
The man beat Nadal in the second round of Wimbledon. I was shocked! It was one of the most impressive performances I have ever witnessed. I have never seen someone destroy such a great player before. It was a great match. And the added bonus of it is that Roger Federer will at least be #2 in the world once Wimbledon is complete. Go Federer!
And then finally today, I was watching Charlie Rose where he was talking with the director and stars of Spiderman. The director mentioned that at the heart of the story, it is about a boy who, because his parents have abandoned him, has a hole inside of him that he is always trying to fill.
As he talked about it, I realized that my YA story was screaming out for another side to it. My lead will be a victim of sexual abuse. She will never have felt loved or cared for. That is such a psychological rich story device. People who have massive holes to fill have motivation to make decisions about who they trust and will follow. With my lead having such a huge hole, I know exactly where the heart wrenching drama will come from in each of the stories.
Because she has this hole she will be easily swayed and when she is betrayed time and again, it will not only be painful for the audience to see, but she will seek vengence for it like a mad woman, creating even more situations that she must repent for. This might be hard to understand without knowing what the stories are, but let's just say that the story just got a level of emotional depth to go along with its intricately woven plot and insightful ponderances. I think that I have finally hit that point when all of the pillars of the story is there and I can start working on the details. With only a few things still in front of it, it's not long now. T
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The 14-Year-Old Female Protagonist of My Next Novel will be Sexual Abused... and Other Observations
I have mentioned a few times before that I belong to a forum of writers. When I switched to erotica there was a writer in particular that I watched. She wrote in the same sub-genre as I did and she had 3 stories released. She is a very slow writer and It took me less than a month to overtake her in terms of my number of releases and revenue. I felt a little uncomfortable about it because she published months before me and I was doing better than her.
About 2 months after our forum started she disappeared for a few weeks. When she came back she admitted that she had become depressed over her lack of success and I couldn't help but think that it had to do with me. There were only 3 of us writing in that sub-genre and I was the one most succeeding.
Well, she got back to writing and switched sub-genres. After that she did a little better but still is not doing that well. And she was still a slow writer so I started thinking of her as one of the writers that wouldn't go anywhere. It takes devotion to earn big numbers in erotica and 1 release every 3 weeks won't cut it.
Six weeks ago she released a story. It didn't seem very special but it made it to the Hot New Release list for erotica. I always wonder how that happens because I have yet to make it to that list and I have a mailing list of 300 people. I know that she doesn't have a mailing list or a strong fan base yet there she was.
I continue to watch her book and it keeps climbing the list until it is # 2 behind a recent release of 50 Shades of Grey. After that it enters the Erotica top 100 list. Eventually it made it to # 1 in Erotica and started climbing the Romance list.
Today it did something special. It entered the overall top 100 books list on Amazon. That's quite a feat. I would love to say that I'm proud of her but I'm not really. I know I should be happy for her because she's someone from my group but I don't really feel it. Everyone on the group is thrilled for her. They are very supportive over there, but I guess I assume success. People succeed over there and she is just the latest one. We had someone get to #25 on Amazon. This is what happens. After the previous person made it to #25 she dropped off all of the list. People go up and they go down. This current person sold 15,000 books in the last 2 months, but I keep thinking, what will her book count be at the end of the year?
I'm wondering if my lack of enthusiasm has anything to do with the increased amount of oxytocin in my body. It's almost like a numbing feeling going on. But it's not like the numbing that comes with depression. I kind of feel like how androids in movies look like they feel. I feel unaffected. In fact, today someone I know completely made up something about me that has no basis in reality and posted it on facebook. And where as usually I would do something extreme like attack back or plot revenge, today I pretty much just dismissed it. There's no doubt about it, I feel different.
I was also watching a special on Pixar today. It was extremely interesting. The director of Toy Story is one hell of a story teller. He has a knack for humor and pulling the heart strings which is unparalleled. I think that I will add an element of heart to my YA story. I have never gone for emotionalism before. The first 4 times that I read the ending of my book 'The First Day After Life' I cried. I didn't write it to evoke tears and I'm not sure if it did it for anyone else. But I am going to make pulling heartstrings a goal in the YA story.
I was also giving thinking about something else pertaining to the YA book. At one point I was debating the idea of having the female 14 year old main character be the victim of sexual abuse. My thought was that I would have her escape to a different world to escape the abuse only to realize that she has left her little sister there to suffer the same fate. I wanted to use that to give the character something real to want to get back for. And I wanted her to have a reason for getting back that was so strong that no matter how glorious her new lives are and how much she loves the boys that she meets, she will still have a no-explanation reason for wanting to get back home. That is what I call true conflict and true obstacle for love.
Everyone minus 1 or 2 people said that I shouldn't do it. I have thought about it for about 6 months now. I'm doing it. If people don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm not writing Harry Potter. In almost all of my stories I deal with sex. And just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean that they can't go on to laugh and love and live. And what's more, it will make what happens in the end of the last book, very substantial.
This is the book that I'm writing and I'm writing about life. What I have learned in the 20 years since I started my journey of discovery is that in life, horrible things happen to people, but that doesn't define them. This overweight, unattractive, sexually abused girl that no one loves accept the one person that she abandons, is not only going to survive her horrible beginning, but she is going to go on to be the most important human to ever live. That is the journey that I'm going to tell. And having thought about it for so long now, I am very confident that this is the story that I was meant to write.
About 2 months after our forum started she disappeared for a few weeks. When she came back she admitted that she had become depressed over her lack of success and I couldn't help but think that it had to do with me. There were only 3 of us writing in that sub-genre and I was the one most succeeding.
Well, she got back to writing and switched sub-genres. After that she did a little better but still is not doing that well. And she was still a slow writer so I started thinking of her as one of the writers that wouldn't go anywhere. It takes devotion to earn big numbers in erotica and 1 release every 3 weeks won't cut it.
Six weeks ago she released a story. It didn't seem very special but it made it to the Hot New Release list for erotica. I always wonder how that happens because I have yet to make it to that list and I have a mailing list of 300 people. I know that she doesn't have a mailing list or a strong fan base yet there she was.
I continue to watch her book and it keeps climbing the list until it is # 2 behind a recent release of 50 Shades of Grey. After that it enters the Erotica top 100 list. Eventually it made it to # 1 in Erotica and started climbing the Romance list.
Today it did something special. It entered the overall top 100 books list on Amazon. That's quite a feat. I would love to say that I'm proud of her but I'm not really. I know I should be happy for her because she's someone from my group but I don't really feel it. Everyone on the group is thrilled for her. They are very supportive over there, but I guess I assume success. People succeed over there and she is just the latest one. We had someone get to #25 on Amazon. This is what happens. After the previous person made it to #25 she dropped off all of the list. People go up and they go down. This current person sold 15,000 books in the last 2 months, but I keep thinking, what will her book count be at the end of the year?
I'm wondering if my lack of enthusiasm has anything to do with the increased amount of oxytocin in my body. It's almost like a numbing feeling going on. But it's not like the numbing that comes with depression. I kind of feel like how androids in movies look like they feel. I feel unaffected. In fact, today someone I know completely made up something about me that has no basis in reality and posted it on facebook. And where as usually I would do something extreme like attack back or plot revenge, today I pretty much just dismissed it. There's no doubt about it, I feel different.
I was also watching a special on Pixar today. It was extremely interesting. The director of Toy Story is one hell of a story teller. He has a knack for humor and pulling the heart strings which is unparalleled. I think that I will add an element of heart to my YA story. I have never gone for emotionalism before. The first 4 times that I read the ending of my book 'The First Day After Life' I cried. I didn't write it to evoke tears and I'm not sure if it did it for anyone else. But I am going to make pulling heartstrings a goal in the YA story.
I was also giving thinking about something else pertaining to the YA book. At one point I was debating the idea of having the female 14 year old main character be the victim of sexual abuse. My thought was that I would have her escape to a different world to escape the abuse only to realize that she has left her little sister there to suffer the same fate. I wanted to use that to give the character something real to want to get back for. And I wanted her to have a reason for getting back that was so strong that no matter how glorious her new lives are and how much she loves the boys that she meets, she will still have a no-explanation reason for wanting to get back home. That is what I call true conflict and true obstacle for love.
Everyone minus 1 or 2 people said that I shouldn't do it. I have thought about it for about 6 months now. I'm doing it. If people don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm not writing Harry Potter. In almost all of my stories I deal with sex. And just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean that they can't go on to laugh and love and live. And what's more, it will make what happens in the end of the last book, very substantial.
This is the book that I'm writing and I'm writing about life. What I have learned in the 20 years since I started my journey of discovery is that in life, horrible things happen to people, but that doesn't define them. This overweight, unattractive, sexually abused girl that no one loves accept the one person that she abandons, is not only going to survive her horrible beginning, but she is going to go on to be the most important human to ever live. That is the journey that I'm going to tell. And having thought about it for so long now, I am very confident that this is the story that I was meant to write.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I Think I Know How Yoda Felt
I watched the movie Prometheus today. It was good. But during it I came up with a key feature for the Young Adult book that I will be writing. I figured out what the twist to the story in Book 1 will be. This won't be twist like a mystery would have. This twist is what will make the story unique. I would say that I've never read a book like it, but who would I be kidding, I don't read so of course I haven't. Oh, but I will also say that I've never seen it in a movie or a TV show and that should account for something.
Today I was also editing one of my erotic audio books. It was a unique experience. I really liked the way that the words flowed together. It was almost melodic. It reminds me that a building number of my reviews involved the reviewer referring to me as a talented writer. Since I don't read, I'm not sure what that means. What would qualify someone as being talented. Is it the way the author combines the words to make it seem like poetry? Is it that the story is so sophisticated that it exceeds what others are doing? I don't get it? What is it about my work that makes others refer to me as talented?
In either case, I wish I were talented. It would be nice. If I were talented, I would do justice to this YA book. It is a unique concept and I will say big things in it. If I could combine the words in a melodic way while the story is bread and butter "stable girl becomes a knight under the tutelage of a master"... you know the Star Wars/Generic Fantasy structure, I would have something. Alas, I can only do what I can do and no more. If my other books are any indication, no one will read this new one no matter how good it is, but I'm trying to write something that will transcend time. And it would be very helpful when I did it if I were actually talented. I guess we can't have it all though.
I have also decided that although I first decided to write this because I thought that I could write a Harry Potter, it wouldn't be like that. Nor will it be like Hunger Games. If I had to compare it to something, I would say the TV show Quantum Leap. The basic structure of the story will be just like that. But story wise it will be closer to Star Wars maybe. It will be a love story though. Not your conventional type but a love story none the less. And what it will be most of all is a story that through adventure and romance, will explain who we are as human beings. Not in the obvious way, but in the the way that I have discovered over the past two decades. One that involves the intersection of biology and spirituality and how the two interact.
On another topic, when I was walking out of the theater today, for the first time I thought about how lucky I was. That isn't a thought that I have had in years if at all. But it started the other night when I was talking to a movie script writer. He was telling me about how a production company hired him to write something and I just cringed thinking about how he was completely subject to that production company's whims. How awful. And then today walking out of the theater after I finished editing my audiobook, I thought about how I am absolutely free to write anything. I'll repeat that. My life is such that I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to write it. Can you imagine that? And I can make my living while doing it. How crazy is that?
Which I guess brings me to another topic. The meditation I'm doing is effecting me pretty strongly. I am again starting to feel the peace I had a long time ago. It is hard to believe it is happening so quickly, but it is. But there is a side effect that's happening which could have happened when I was 17, but I didn't have the life experience to realize it at the time. I'm starting to feel disconnected from the people around me. I'm going through moments when I lose my will to engage with people. I used to enjoy engaging with people. Now I'm starting to feel content just being and not talking.
When I was a kid, I remember feeling like a complete person, a whole. I wonder if this was what it felt like back then. I have to guess that it was. How could it not be. So, I guess I am slowly regaining my inner peace. It's odd. But I guess that if I were on a spiritual path, a destiny, this is the way that it would work. I knew at 17 that even though I abandoned the path, I would eventually return to it once I've learned what I needed to learn so that I can teach it. But is it actually coming true? Has my life really been so well designed? I find it hard to believe. I did not have a small vision for my destiny when I was 17. I would hate to have to fulfill the rest of what I saw for myself back then. Then again, back then I was incredibly in touch with something I can barely understand now. If I saw it as having a purpose, then I'm sure that there was a good reason for it. I don't think I'll have to worry about that though. But of course, I didn't think that I would end up where I am either. Interesting.
Today I was also editing one of my erotic audio books. It was a unique experience. I really liked the way that the words flowed together. It was almost melodic. It reminds me that a building number of my reviews involved the reviewer referring to me as a talented writer. Since I don't read, I'm not sure what that means. What would qualify someone as being talented. Is it the way the author combines the words to make it seem like poetry? Is it that the story is so sophisticated that it exceeds what others are doing? I don't get it? What is it about my work that makes others refer to me as talented?
In either case, I wish I were talented. It would be nice. If I were talented, I would do justice to this YA book. It is a unique concept and I will say big things in it. If I could combine the words in a melodic way while the story is bread and butter "stable girl becomes a knight under the tutelage of a master"... you know the Star Wars/Generic Fantasy structure, I would have something. Alas, I can only do what I can do and no more. If my other books are any indication, no one will read this new one no matter how good it is, but I'm trying to write something that will transcend time. And it would be very helpful when I did it if I were actually talented. I guess we can't have it all though.
I have also decided that although I first decided to write this because I thought that I could write a Harry Potter, it wouldn't be like that. Nor will it be like Hunger Games. If I had to compare it to something, I would say the TV show Quantum Leap. The basic structure of the story will be just like that. But story wise it will be closer to Star Wars maybe. It will be a love story though. Not your conventional type but a love story none the less. And what it will be most of all is a story that through adventure and romance, will explain who we are as human beings. Not in the obvious way, but in the the way that I have discovered over the past two decades. One that involves the intersection of biology and spirituality and how the two interact.
On another topic, when I was walking out of the theater today, for the first time I thought about how lucky I was. That isn't a thought that I have had in years if at all. But it started the other night when I was talking to a movie script writer. He was telling me about how a production company hired him to write something and I just cringed thinking about how he was completely subject to that production company's whims. How awful. And then today walking out of the theater after I finished editing my audiobook, I thought about how I am absolutely free to write anything. I'll repeat that. My life is such that I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to write it. Can you imagine that? And I can make my living while doing it. How crazy is that?
Which I guess brings me to another topic. The meditation I'm doing is effecting me pretty strongly. I am again starting to feel the peace I had a long time ago. It is hard to believe it is happening so quickly, but it is. But there is a side effect that's happening which could have happened when I was 17, but I didn't have the life experience to realize it at the time. I'm starting to feel disconnected from the people around me. I'm going through moments when I lose my will to engage with people. I used to enjoy engaging with people. Now I'm starting to feel content just being and not talking.
When I was a kid, I remember feeling like a complete person, a whole. I wonder if this was what it felt like back then. I have to guess that it was. How could it not be. So, I guess I am slowly regaining my inner peace. It's odd. But I guess that if I were on a spiritual path, a destiny, this is the way that it would work. I knew at 17 that even though I abandoned the path, I would eventually return to it once I've learned what I needed to learn so that I can teach it. But is it actually coming true? Has my life really been so well designed? I find it hard to believe. I did not have a small vision for my destiny when I was 17. I would hate to have to fulfill the rest of what I saw for myself back then. Then again, back then I was incredibly in touch with something I can barely understand now. If I saw it as having a purpose, then I'm sure that there was a good reason for it. I don't think I'll have to worry about that though. But of course, I didn't think that I would end up where I am either. Interesting.
Friday, June 1, 2012
I've Invented a Guaranteed Path to Happiness... Seriously!
After my last post I gave more thought to the meditation idea. I decided to go for it. And lying in my bed the next morning I was trying to figure out what style of meditation I would use. When I was a kid I did Chakra mediation. That is when you picture balls of color on various parts of your body. Thinking back on it now it seems kind of odd. But there is no denying that it worked.There is also things like mantra mediation and thoughtless mediation.
I didn't actually want to do any of those. Instead I remembered something else from my post. I did a google search to make sure that oxytocin was associated with meditation as I had said and it was. Studies have shown that the feel good neurochemical oxytocin can be released during meditation and it could be because during meditation we think of times when oxytocin has been released in the past. According to studies, imagery alone has been shown to release oxytocin.
This fact intrigued me. So what I decided to do was try something that I've never heard of before. Instead of meditating on god or some religious or spiritual thought, I would use science. I would meditate on times when I had received massages. I have always loved massages and massages have been shown to release oxytocin. So what I did was lay in my bed on top of the covers and with my arms and legs apart and I remembered the feeling of someone massaging my hands. After about 10 or 15 minutes of this, I felt almost as good as I did when I was being massaged. It worked! It worked incredibly well. It worked so well that I felt it needed a name. I decided to call it Happiness Meditation.
Since then I have meditated every day. And why not? It takes no time to do it and afterwards I fell like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly day. I even feel a little drunk afterwards. How has no one come up with this type of mediation before? And if they have, why aren't the spreading the word about it. It's friggin' awesome and I feel a ton better. Why are people still chanting mantra trying to clear their mind looking for Nirvana? It's so hard with so little reward for most of us.
Since then I have not felt stressed about my sales numbers even though I've been checking them. And I just feel better about everything. This has got to be because of the Happiness Meditation and the best part is that it's based in science. I love that!
Ok, like I said I have been checking my sales numbers. I didn't really want to, but someone who makes a ton more money than I do selling books, told me that my number should be higher and they gave me some tips. After I followed them I had to see if they were working. And it is way too tempting not to check all of the numbers once you've started checking a few.
I would like to go on and complain about something else, but the truth is that I don't feel like it. Nothing quite seems as bad as it once did. Is it the constant stream of oxytocin that I'm getting? Maybe. But let me tell you. If you want to feel happier, try this. Science has proven that this technique works, so it certainly couldn't hurt.
I didn't actually want to do any of those. Instead I remembered something else from my post. I did a google search to make sure that oxytocin was associated with meditation as I had said and it was. Studies have shown that the feel good neurochemical oxytocin can be released during meditation and it could be because during meditation we think of times when oxytocin has been released in the past. According to studies, imagery alone has been shown to release oxytocin.
This fact intrigued me. So what I decided to do was try something that I've never heard of before. Instead of meditating on god or some religious or spiritual thought, I would use science. I would meditate on times when I had received massages. I have always loved massages and massages have been shown to release oxytocin. So what I did was lay in my bed on top of the covers and with my arms and legs apart and I remembered the feeling of someone massaging my hands. After about 10 or 15 minutes of this, I felt almost as good as I did when I was being massaged. It worked! It worked incredibly well. It worked so well that I felt it needed a name. I decided to call it Happiness Meditation.
Since then I have meditated every day. And why not? It takes no time to do it and afterwards I fell like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket on a chilly day. I even feel a little drunk afterwards. How has no one come up with this type of mediation before? And if they have, why aren't the spreading the word about it. It's friggin' awesome and I feel a ton better. Why are people still chanting mantra trying to clear their mind looking for Nirvana? It's so hard with so little reward for most of us.
Since then I have not felt stressed about my sales numbers even though I've been checking them. And I just feel better about everything. This has got to be because of the Happiness Meditation and the best part is that it's based in science. I love that!
Ok, like I said I have been checking my sales numbers. I didn't really want to, but someone who makes a ton more money than I do selling books, told me that my number should be higher and they gave me some tips. After I followed them I had to see if they were working. And it is way too tempting not to check all of the numbers once you've started checking a few.
I would like to go on and complain about something else, but the truth is that I don't feel like it. Nothing quite seems as bad as it once did. Is it the constant stream of oxytocin that I'm getting? Maybe. But let me tell you. If you want to feel happier, try this. Science has proven that this technique works, so it certainly couldn't hurt.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Struggling with my Retirement
I have to say, it is a lot harder to let go of work than I thought. I was supposed to look at my sales numbers only twice a month. I have not followed that. I was good for a while but then I broke down on the 25th and then I kind of broke that again yesterday and to a degree today. I was reading a thread on my forum and they were talking about how most self published authors only make $500 a year. Can you believe that? I make that in a couple of days. It was good perspective.
What came with reading that thread though, was me examining why my numbers aren't higher. I did discover something about my sales. Barnes and Noble and Amazon German are both consistently up, but I'm a big fail when it comes to selling books on Amazon.com. I made $1200 in Jan, but only $700 in April. This can all be explained by Amazon.com filtering my titles. It's unfortunate, but that's life.
But that got me to thinking how I can increase sales of poor selling titles. I then made those changes and in the day or two since it has had an effect. So after I realized it had an effect, I had to keep checking to see how much of an effect it had. But looking again and again has had the same effect that it always has; me asking myself why isn't it more. We human beings become unhappy because we keep asking for things to be other than what they are. It is a trait which is hard to escape.
I'm starting to think of my attitude toward selling books like an addiction. Like I'm a work-a-holic or something (haha!). But I can either be retired or not retired. Alcoholics can't drink just half a bottle without finishing it. I can't retire half-assed.
Here's the thing, if I fully act like I'm retired, I am going to leave money on the table. How am I supposed to walk away from money on the table? I don't know, but I can either be happy or I can collect all of the money for off the table.
When I got to college, I was elated to be out of the Bahamas. I almost hated that place. My childhood was often hellish. It was just horrible. College was this incredible place where I was no longer alone. It's tough growing up unique. It's not like I wasn't liked, because I was. People found me interesting and I'm pretty sure they liked me for it. But looking around and feeling fundamentally different from everyone around you, including your friends, is hard. I couldn't breath there, and when I got to college, all of a sudden I could breath... and talk. And boy did I talk.
I talked so much that by the time I was a sophomore I felt the need to go on a vow of silence for a week. It's wasn't like anyone ever asked me to stop talking. I just got sick of hearing my own voice, and for that week the silence was wonderful.
And when I was 16, I decided to step away from my life for a monk-like life. There was no masturbation or impure thoughts. I meditated twice a day and vowed a spiritual life. In other words I have a history of giving up things. And all of those things that I gave up helped me to cleanse my mind. They felt good. And I have to remember that now.
How much money and celebrity do I need? How much can I strip away from my life without feeling wanting?
Unfortunately, if I ask myself, what's important to me, I know what the answer is. Nothing. Nothing is important to me. That's kind of sad. I used to say that my friends were important to me, but today I think I realized that their not. Once again today I was faced with a situation where I could either advice a friend in a way that would bring us closer together, or I could advice them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. I advised them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. It broke my heart a little to do it, but I did. Now I think that if their friendship was valuable to me, I would have pulled them closer. But I guess nothing truly matters to me. Nothing does.
That might have been why I have chased after money and celebrity for so long. I guess the truth is that after I abandoned my spiritual beliefs everything lost it's meaning for me. The only thing that's important in life is what you give importance. And now that being a valuable member of society isn't important to me, nothing has importance. And the sad thing is that I don't think a change of location would change that.
I have to truly retire. I have to stop checking my numbers or figure out a way to devalue them for me. I look around at my apartment and I'm happy with it. I don't have a lot of stuff, but I don't need anything more. I have a couple of friends whose houses are just stuffed with stuff. Why? Why would someone need so many trinkets. I just don't get it.
I'm wondering if I should start meditating again. There have been many times in my life when I have said that I have to start meditating again and I do it for a week or two but then I stop. In those situations, the truth has to be that meditation wasn't something that I truly wanted. The things that I truly want, I do and I don't stop doing. That is how all of us are.
Research has shown that meditation can cause an elevation in, I think, oxytocin. And when I was meditating a lot I could feel it. It felt so incredibly good. God damn did it feel good. I remember thinking at the time that I was whole. I didn't need anyone else to make me complete. God I wish I could feel like that again.
I don't know how I could be so good looking and so well liked yet unable to find someone to pair up with, but that's the fact of it. I haven't been on more than one date with someone in 11 years and it's not about to start now. I should really ride out the time I have left in a state of wholeness. How great would that be?
And the truth is that no one else can make you whole. Only you can make yourself feel whole. And that state of wholeness is only a combinations of neurochemicals in either case, so what's the point of the trouble of relationships. I'm not going to be in a relationship in either case, so why fight that fact anymore. "Let go and let god" as they say. Let what will be, be. I'm not going to stop the sun from rising in the east, so why should I try.
I think that the only way that I will truly be able to retire will be for me to start meditating. Nothing has value to me, so what would I be doing otherwise that's more valuable than mediation? Nothing of course. When I was a meditating kid, I did it because there was nothing more important to me than that. Now I don't have a job I need to worry about. I don't have a relationship that I have to be concerned about. I don't have money problems or anything. What do I have that's of importance to me? Nothing. So why not ride out the rest of my life on an oxtocin high? There are a lot of worse ways to go... like every other way. Hmm...
What came with reading that thread though, was me examining why my numbers aren't higher. I did discover something about my sales. Barnes and Noble and Amazon German are both consistently up, but I'm a big fail when it comes to selling books on Amazon.com. I made $1200 in Jan, but only $700 in April. This can all be explained by Amazon.com filtering my titles. It's unfortunate, but that's life.
But that got me to thinking how I can increase sales of poor selling titles. I then made those changes and in the day or two since it has had an effect. So after I realized it had an effect, I had to keep checking to see how much of an effect it had. But looking again and again has had the same effect that it always has; me asking myself why isn't it more. We human beings become unhappy because we keep asking for things to be other than what they are. It is a trait which is hard to escape.
I'm starting to think of my attitude toward selling books like an addiction. Like I'm a work-a-holic or something (haha!). But I can either be retired or not retired. Alcoholics can't drink just half a bottle without finishing it. I can't retire half-assed.
Here's the thing, if I fully act like I'm retired, I am going to leave money on the table. How am I supposed to walk away from money on the table? I don't know, but I can either be happy or I can collect all of the money for off the table.
When I got to college, I was elated to be out of the Bahamas. I almost hated that place. My childhood was often hellish. It was just horrible. College was this incredible place where I was no longer alone. It's tough growing up unique. It's not like I wasn't liked, because I was. People found me interesting and I'm pretty sure they liked me for it. But looking around and feeling fundamentally different from everyone around you, including your friends, is hard. I couldn't breath there, and when I got to college, all of a sudden I could breath... and talk. And boy did I talk.
I talked so much that by the time I was a sophomore I felt the need to go on a vow of silence for a week. It's wasn't like anyone ever asked me to stop talking. I just got sick of hearing my own voice, and for that week the silence was wonderful.
And when I was 16, I decided to step away from my life for a monk-like life. There was no masturbation or impure thoughts. I meditated twice a day and vowed a spiritual life. In other words I have a history of giving up things. And all of those things that I gave up helped me to cleanse my mind. They felt good. And I have to remember that now.
How much money and celebrity do I need? How much can I strip away from my life without feeling wanting?
Unfortunately, if I ask myself, what's important to me, I know what the answer is. Nothing. Nothing is important to me. That's kind of sad. I used to say that my friends were important to me, but today I think I realized that their not. Once again today I was faced with a situation where I could either advice a friend in a way that would bring us closer together, or I could advice them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. I advised them in a way that would make them happier but pull us apart. It broke my heart a little to do it, but I did. Now I think that if their friendship was valuable to me, I would have pulled them closer. But I guess nothing truly matters to me. Nothing does.
That might have been why I have chased after money and celebrity for so long. I guess the truth is that after I abandoned my spiritual beliefs everything lost it's meaning for me. The only thing that's important in life is what you give importance. And now that being a valuable member of society isn't important to me, nothing has importance. And the sad thing is that I don't think a change of location would change that.
I have to truly retire. I have to stop checking my numbers or figure out a way to devalue them for me. I look around at my apartment and I'm happy with it. I don't have a lot of stuff, but I don't need anything more. I have a couple of friends whose houses are just stuffed with stuff. Why? Why would someone need so many trinkets. I just don't get it.
I'm wondering if I should start meditating again. There have been many times in my life when I have said that I have to start meditating again and I do it for a week or two but then I stop. In those situations, the truth has to be that meditation wasn't something that I truly wanted. The things that I truly want, I do and I don't stop doing. That is how all of us are.
Research has shown that meditation can cause an elevation in, I think, oxytocin. And when I was meditating a lot I could feel it. It felt so incredibly good. God damn did it feel good. I remember thinking at the time that I was whole. I didn't need anyone else to make me complete. God I wish I could feel like that again.
I don't know how I could be so good looking and so well liked yet unable to find someone to pair up with, but that's the fact of it. I haven't been on more than one date with someone in 11 years and it's not about to start now. I should really ride out the time I have left in a state of wholeness. How great would that be?
And the truth is that no one else can make you whole. Only you can make yourself feel whole. And that state of wholeness is only a combinations of neurochemicals in either case, so what's the point of the trouble of relationships. I'm not going to be in a relationship in either case, so why fight that fact anymore. "Let go and let god" as they say. Let what will be, be. I'm not going to stop the sun from rising in the east, so why should I try.
I think that the only way that I will truly be able to retire will be for me to start meditating. Nothing has value to me, so what would I be doing otherwise that's more valuable than mediation? Nothing of course. When I was a meditating kid, I did it because there was nothing more important to me than that. Now I don't have a job I need to worry about. I don't have a relationship that I have to be concerned about. I don't have money problems or anything. What do I have that's of importance to me? Nothing. So why not ride out the rest of my life on an oxtocin high? There are a lot of worse ways to go... like every other way. Hmm...
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Effects of my Retirement
It has been a little over a week since I have decided that I needed to retire. I don't know if I would have considered what I'm doing retirement prior to this, but there is a forum thread on the social site I hang out on and they talk about retirement there. The first time I read it, I didn't think what they described was retirement, but now I get it. Retirement is leaving the stuff that you don't want to do and instead filling your life with the stuff that you really want to do. Retirement isn't sitting in your house doing nothing.
I am a hard worker. My father was a hard worker. My mother wasn't afraid of hard work. I have long believed that the answer to all of my problems would simply be to work harder. But recently I learned that it's crap. There is a limit to how much working harder will do. But one thing that attitude did do for me was that it perfectly filled my time. I both wanted and needed something to completely occupy my time, and that did it. There are certain things in life that I don't want to have to think about. Endless work gave me that gift.
Now that I'm retired I get concerned. Hiding is comfortable and safe. Giving yourself time to feel things might result in feeling something you don't want to. Having time is risky business, but so far it's been fine. In fact, the happiness that I retired in search of, felt closer than it's ever been. I really have let go of that endless drive. It's feeling nice.
I did start to notice something though. Internal motivation is hard to maintain without reward. As human beings we have evolved to be reward for everything that is worth doing. Our bodies release great chemicals that tells us to keep doing what we're doing. I continue to write and record audiobooks because I want to, but without the reward of seeing that they're selling, I feel a little hollow. It's like singing into the wind; you can only hear yourself and can never be sure you are the only one.
I guess I'm writing today because today was my designated day for checking my sales. What I found was that I have sold the most I have ever by this time in the month. I feel pretty safe that I will make my quota. One might think that would make me feel good, and it did for a little while. But within hours, my thoughts that I'm not good enough returned. "Why isn't it more?" I asked myself. I could barely stop the thoughts. They simply flowed.
I was glad that I did check my sales though. It turns out that I now sell more in German than I do in English on Amazon.com, and I do it with fewer books. That tells me that I have to get more books out in German. I also found out that a book that I had translated on a whim, is now my best selling book overall. I have three more books in that series, so they will be my next translations.
Knowing my sales also motivated me to attempt something which I first attempted 2 months ago. I thought that the powers-that-be deleted a very important account that I have. It turns out that my plea was listened to and my account was reinstated. Because I was knocked back by its initial deletion, I didn't even bother to check back. But they had listened and today I made a very strong move toward increasing my sales. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't check my sales numbers. Checking my sales is an evil for me, but a necessary one.
Now, I just have to get my mind back into that better place. I need to remember that I'm not required to increase my numbers. Hell, I might need to institute some sort of punishment if my sales go up, to deincentivize myself from making money my goal instead of happiness. It's a tricky thing. I think that my new flower garden has helped me to remember to choose happiness. Seeing flowers makes me happier. But the main thing that I have to look out for is my desire to hide from life popping out in some other way. The problem is that in the past, I have never realized my new addiction until I was knee deep in it. Oh well, I probably won't see the next one coming either. But I have to still venture forward with my plan, and I need to make some time to enjoy the first surfing lesson that I paid for.
Other than that, I feel like a should write 2 stories this week. I have been paying for a promotion all month long and I should really have 2 more stories out before the promotion is complete on the 29th. But on top of that, I have a production assignment. It promises to be a busy next two weeks.
I hope that I will continue to remember that I am actually retired. And I hope that I can find the internal motivation to continue on, even though I don't know how others are responding to it. I think it might have been easier back when publishers would only give you sales figures every six months. I'm sure that authors constantly thought about how well their book was doing, but I bet that it did free the author's mind to focus on other things since you knew that would never know them until the designated date. I guess knowing vs not knowing is a situation that gives as much as it takes.
I am a hard worker. My father was a hard worker. My mother wasn't afraid of hard work. I have long believed that the answer to all of my problems would simply be to work harder. But recently I learned that it's crap. There is a limit to how much working harder will do. But one thing that attitude did do for me was that it perfectly filled my time. I both wanted and needed something to completely occupy my time, and that did it. There are certain things in life that I don't want to have to think about. Endless work gave me that gift.
Now that I'm retired I get concerned. Hiding is comfortable and safe. Giving yourself time to feel things might result in feeling something you don't want to. Having time is risky business, but so far it's been fine. In fact, the happiness that I retired in search of, felt closer than it's ever been. I really have let go of that endless drive. It's feeling nice.
I did start to notice something though. Internal motivation is hard to maintain without reward. As human beings we have evolved to be reward for everything that is worth doing. Our bodies release great chemicals that tells us to keep doing what we're doing. I continue to write and record audiobooks because I want to, but without the reward of seeing that they're selling, I feel a little hollow. It's like singing into the wind; you can only hear yourself and can never be sure you are the only one.
I guess I'm writing today because today was my designated day for checking my sales. What I found was that I have sold the most I have ever by this time in the month. I feel pretty safe that I will make my quota. One might think that would make me feel good, and it did for a little while. But within hours, my thoughts that I'm not good enough returned. "Why isn't it more?" I asked myself. I could barely stop the thoughts. They simply flowed.
I was glad that I did check my sales though. It turns out that I now sell more in German than I do in English on Amazon.com, and I do it with fewer books. That tells me that I have to get more books out in German. I also found out that a book that I had translated on a whim, is now my best selling book overall. I have three more books in that series, so they will be my next translations.
Knowing my sales also motivated me to attempt something which I first attempted 2 months ago. I thought that the powers-that-be deleted a very important account that I have. It turns out that my plea was listened to and my account was reinstated. Because I was knocked back by its initial deletion, I didn't even bother to check back. But they had listened and today I made a very strong move toward increasing my sales. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't check my sales numbers. Checking my sales is an evil for me, but a necessary one.
Now, I just have to get my mind back into that better place. I need to remember that I'm not required to increase my numbers. Hell, I might need to institute some sort of punishment if my sales go up, to deincentivize myself from making money my goal instead of happiness. It's a tricky thing. I think that my new flower garden has helped me to remember to choose happiness. Seeing flowers makes me happier. But the main thing that I have to look out for is my desire to hide from life popping out in some other way. The problem is that in the past, I have never realized my new addiction until I was knee deep in it. Oh well, I probably won't see the next one coming either. But I have to still venture forward with my plan, and I need to make some time to enjoy the first surfing lesson that I paid for.
Other than that, I feel like a should write 2 stories this week. I have been paying for a promotion all month long and I should really have 2 more stories out before the promotion is complete on the 29th. But on top of that, I have a production assignment. It promises to be a busy next two weeks.
I hope that I will continue to remember that I am actually retired. And I hope that I can find the internal motivation to continue on, even though I don't know how others are responding to it. I think it might have been easier back when publishers would only give you sales figures every six months. I'm sure that authors constantly thought about how well their book was doing, but I bet that it did free the author's mind to focus on other things since you knew that would never know them until the designated date. I guess knowing vs not knowing is a situation that gives as much as it takes.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My Most Recent Psychic Event
If you read my last post, you would be familiar with my penchant for considering myself psychic. In my last post, I mentioned my way of getting answers from the universe. I also mentioned that I asked the universe whether or not I would find love and I was distressed that the universe wasn't coughing up a coincidence as an answer. Well, I just experienced a coincidence and possible answer. Here's what happened, though I haven't analysed it yet.
I called my mother on mother's day like a good son. We haven't spoken in a while so we spend 2 hours catching up. I told her about the 3 things that I would like to do this summer; scuba lessons, hang-gliding and a trip to Mexico. Mum then asked me when was I going to Mexico. I told her I didn't know and she asked me who I was going with. I told her that it would be a surfing trip and she replied disappointingly.
She then told me that she wants to go to Mexico to see the pyramids that they most recently found. She then wavered about where the pyramids were. I told her that I couldn't go because of the cost. She replied by saying that Travel Zoo has had great deals ever-so-often. With that in mind I go to check Groupon and LivingSocial. There weren't any deals there.
I called my mother on mother's day like a good son. We haven't spoken in a while so we spend 2 hours catching up. I told her about the 3 things that I would like to do this summer; scuba lessons, hang-gliding and a trip to Mexico. Mum then asked me when was I going to Mexico. I told her I didn't know and she asked me who I was going with. I told her that it would be a surfing trip and she replied disappointingly.
She then told me that she wants to go to Mexico to see the pyramids that they most recently found. She then wavered about where the pyramids were. I told her that I couldn't go because of the cost. She replied by saying that Travel Zoo has had great deals ever-so-often. With that in mind I go to check Groupon and LivingSocial. There weren't any deals there.
I hang up from her and go about life. The next day I decide to check my Groupon/LivingSocial email address (since I rarely do). What do you think that I find? It is a LivingSocial deal to Machu Picchu. I remember that there are pyramids there so I check it out. Machu Picchu is in Peru but I send it to my mother anyway asking her if this was where she meant. She wrote me this morning saying "Yes!!!". I then go to my email address and do a search to see if trips to Peru come up often. In the 2 years that I've been a member of the 2 groups, this is only the 2nd time a trip to Peru has come up and the only other time wasn't a trip to the pyramids. This qualifies as a big coincidence.
So, as I said before, with the psychic technique that I use, the next big coincidence usually has the answer to the question that you've asked. That means that somewhere in this incident is my answer. These things usually require some interpretation, but not that much.
My first guess is that the answer to my question is that 'what my mother wants will be available.' My mother has been very clear about what she wants. She thinks that I use our shared history as an excuse to avoid relationships and marriage, and she wants grand kids from me. Even when I informed her that she wouldn't get that, she hasn't conceded her desire like I have gotten her to do on other topics.
Ya know, I have to say that my interpretations to past coincidental events have been super cool and enough to delight friends at parties. This one, in comparison, would be pretty lame. But I do know that the answer always involves the person that the coincidence is being shared with. In the other most cool coincidences, the questions were about the person that I experienced the coincidences with.
Hmm... I guess that in a way, like the cool psychic experiences, my question is also about my mother (the person I shared the coincidence with), because my mother is the only one that has vocalized that she wants me to be in the type of relationship that I asked the universe about (I think that only one other person in the past 15 years has said anything anywhere close to that to me.). So the question that I asked could have just as easily have been, will my mother get what she wants for me. If I had asked the question, "will I experience what my mother wants from me" the answer would totally have been, "my mother will get what she wants."
The problem is however, that although it could have been the same question, it wasn't the way I actually phrased it. And if there is one thing that I have learned time and time again from my psychic experiences, it's that the psychic world is very literal... painfully literal... excruciatingly literal. You have to take the answer you get without adding on assumptions, because it is those assumptions that will break your heart when they don't come true. And every single time, after getting my heart broken for an assumption that didn't come true, I have thought back to the psychic event and the literal translation of the event is always exactly what occurred. So now the question is, is my current interpretation closest to the literal understanding of what has happened?
Hmm... I need to think about this a little more.
Edit:
It just hit me. I was correct. That was the answer to my question. Ha! And for all of those that that think that it is some how good to be psychic, let me share with you what the universe has told me. Keep in mind that when asking the universe something, you have to be extremely specific. In turn, the universe will be very literal in its reply.
So the very specific question that I asked was: Will I be in a loving relationship, that involves sex and makes me happy.
The universe replied: What my mother wants will be available to me.
Here is what my mother has stated that she wants for me: She wants me to get married, even if she lives in the Bahamas while I live in LA. And she wants me to have kids.
Love doesn't seem to come into play there. Nor does sex or happiness. So when I asked if I will have a happy relationship, the universe said that what I will be able to have is a marriage. Ha! That is the answer. That even sounds like their types of answers. They never answer yes or no. They present information. So the answer is, and here is where the assumption part comes in, I will NOT be in a loving relationship that involves sex and makes me happy. I know that isn't exactly what the universe said, but something tells me if the answer was "yes, I will have those things" they would have created a different coincidence.
Question asked. Question answered. Now I have to start the fight againt the self-fulfilling prophecy. Yay me. Yay psychic abilities.
Edit:
It just hit me. I was correct. That was the answer to my question. Ha! And for all of those that that think that it is some how good to be psychic, let me share with you what the universe has told me. Keep in mind that when asking the universe something, you have to be extremely specific. In turn, the universe will be very literal in its reply.
So the very specific question that I asked was: Will I be in a loving relationship, that involves sex and makes me happy.
The universe replied: What my mother wants will be available to me.
Here is what my mother has stated that she wants for me: She wants me to get married, even if she lives in the Bahamas while I live in LA. And she wants me to have kids.
Love doesn't seem to come into play there. Nor does sex or happiness. So when I asked if I will have a happy relationship, the universe said that what I will be able to have is a marriage. Ha! That is the answer. That even sounds like their types of answers. They never answer yes or no. They present information. So the answer is, and here is where the assumption part comes in, I will NOT be in a loving relationship that involves sex and makes me happy. I know that isn't exactly what the universe said, but something tells me if the answer was "yes, I will have those things" they would have created a different coincidence.
Question asked. Question answered. Now I have to start the fight againt the self-fulfilling prophecy. Yay me. Yay psychic abilities.
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