I have began to settle into the idea that I will never do anything in my life better than writing. I'm thinking about that along with the fact that I wasn't an instant success at it financially speaking. It's actually a little depressing for me. I have spent my entire life going from one thing to the next looking for the quick home run. And now I learn that the home run will probably never come. There might be a series of singles that gets me home, but no home runs in this final inning.
The thing that keeps coming back to me is 'is it all worth the effort?' I have no problem working as hard as I need to work over a short period. I am a sprinter. I'm not sure if I'm ready for a marathon that could last for the rest of my life and end with no results.
Two days ago, I did watch something that made me think. The Adjustment Bureau is a movie about destiny and doing what you have to do to create your destiny. It was also about the idea that there are forces that keep you from achieving things that those forces don't want you to achieve. The idea was that when we don't get what we want, it is so other greater things can happen.
In the movie the main character is told that forces were keeping Matt Damon away from his love because she fills the hole that he has inside of him. And the Bureau didn't want that hole filled because Matt's attempts to fill that hole will lead Matt to greater things than he could imagine.
As a guy who is endless trying to fill my metaphorical hole, that idea made me think. Certainly that hole that I carry around has lead me to everything that I've accomplished (even thought I'm having a hard time trying to remember what that is right now.... hmmm, I'm sure I've accomplished a few things in my life). I wonder if I had my metaphorical hole filled, I would just be happy with my life and not be so insanely driven. And if I did that, would I commit the greatest sin anyone could commit, which is that I wouldn't live up to my own potential.
I've been thinking a lot recently about when I was 17. I really was a very unique person when I was 17. Back then I felt I had no control over my life so I decided to control the only thing I could, my mind. And my level of devotion and control over my mind was incredible. I even remember some of the things that started flowing into my thoughts after I started meditating twice a day. The thoughts were profound by any standard. To this point I still believe that my mind opened up to some pool of knowledge that was beyond anything that I could understand otherwise.
And now that I have have become that person that I set out to become when I was 17, weathered, beaten down, tired, but very full of wisdom, I was considering stepping out of life. 'Stepping out of life' is what I refer to that state that I was in when I was 17. I remember that back then, I stopped thinking like everyone else. I was like a monk. I lost the ability to connect with anyone because I felt so connected to spiritual energy. No one could reach me emotionally, but I was extremely fulfilled and content. I felt a level of bliss at that time that is hard to describe now. And that bliss is what I consciously gave up so that I could become this person that I am today.
My instinct now says that the bliss wasn't worth giving up. So now I wonder if I should return to that life. I think that if I return to that life and I decide to continue to write, I will lose the very thing that this 20 year journey was meant to gain. Right now all of my emotions are in some sort of hyper drive. Meditation will definitely take all of those emotions away.
I currently wear a ring on my pointing finger that says 'Happiness' because theoretically that is what I want most in life. But is that true? If I stepped out of my life I would be happy. If I don't, I won't be happy. Yet I feel this thing telling me that I shouldn't step out of my life. Therefore, am I just lying to myself when I say that I want happiness? I think that I am.
Tomorrow I was supposed to start to edit that last book that I finished writing (I can't get myself to even type the name of it), but I was asked to do some cash work instead. I'm doing the work because I don't know when I will ever work again. Maybe I will instead start on Thursday. Or maybe I may never do it.
I have to say that I am more than a little depressed that all I will ever be is a writer. I spent so much time refining my skills in business and people management; in graphics and leadership that to spend the rest of my life alone in front of a computer writing books seems like such a waste to me. Or more precisely, it make me feel like so much of my life has been a waste. And what's more, all of those things that I mentioned business, people management etc, I enjoy doing a lot more than writing.
Boy my life is really starting to feel like such a waste. And let me tell you, my lack of book sales is not helping. And that fact that I'm spending all of my time doing the cash work isn't helping my sales. I don't like where my life is going right now.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
What would you choose between sanity and failure?
I have come to a conclusion. I'm pretty good at writing books. I have been hearing from readers over the last couple of days for various reasons. And without prompting I have heard things from I "have enjoyable smooth writing style" to I'm a gifted storyteller. I don't know if this could be said about all writers, but I choose to believe that I am a better writer than a lot of people.
Ok, with that said I have also given a lot of thought as to what field I could make a lot of money in. When I left college I thought I would be successful as an actor. Back then I often heard how good looking I was and how good I was as an actor. However I switched to being a producer before I gathered any real momentum.
The producer switch was a good one. With producing I had a great creative outlet and I was told that I was really good at it because I wrote funny stuff and I could get my creative team to do their best work. But I stopped producing because I knew that that wasn't what I should be doing with my life. Instead I made a movie.
I got mixed reviews for my directorial debut. But there were those that really, really liked it. I however couldn't get financing for my next movie so that was dead in the water. I then entered corporate life in marketing. And once again I got extremely high praise for my work in marketing. But I was positive that that wasn't where I was supposed to direct my passion either.
That little bit there represents a number of years of my life. Each time I entered into the field thinking that I would earn a ton of money. And except for directing, I left the fields trying to find something that would better line up with my soul.
Now here I am as an author. Once again I am getting great praise for my ability to write. I have also been told a couple of times that my book concepts are on the brilliant side. And here I am once again considered leaving the field.
This time I must ask myself why I am considering leaving it. When I left the other fields, I left because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was something else that I should be doing and that I had the time to gain momentum with those other fields.
Now I ask myself if there is some other field out there that I feel that my abilities are better suited for. The answer is no. Writing books it the best expression of most of my strengths. And those other strengths could be utilized in the other fields that writing successful books allow, like directing the script for a book you wrote and being in front of the camera because of one of your books.
The other thing I have to ask myself is, at my age, do I have the time to enter a completely different field and become good at it. The sad answer is no. I am plum out of time. Sure I could start other careers. But I no longer have the time to learn something well enough to make a lot of money doing it.
So the question is, if I quit writing and I decided to keep on living, what do I do? What would most make me feel like I am fulfilling my mission here on earth? If I am honest with myself, I have to say that there is nothing else that's realistic. I think that I have to admit that if I don't make it as a writer in some form, I will never live up to my financial potential. So, it is either I write books or I give up on having a financially successful/fulfilling life.
I guess the truth is that we all age. And I think that I made the most out of my youth. In my youth I was an actor and producer and director and a entrepreneur and corporate marketing guy. I did a number of things then, but it is clear to me that I now need to make a choice. I need to choose one area and ride it for all of it's worth. And if I don't do that, I may as well cash in my chips and go home.
And if I had to choose one field, I think it should be something that other people think that I'm gifted at. No one ever called me a gifted actor or director. The only field where I have heard the words "gifted" and "genius" was in writing. And if I were to be honest with myself and say where I thought my skills would be the most applicable, it would be in creating stories. I am and have always been a storyteller.
So now with that once again settled in my mind the true question becomes "To be or not to be." I have to say that that really is the question. To be completely honest, I really do think that writing is causing me to slowly lose grip on my mind.
I don't know that in reality it is as dramatic as it sounds though. Because in order to write what I write, I have to let go of the tight grip I had on my emotions and mind. In order to get unique ideas I have to let my mind "swirl". And I think that a "swirling" mind is the definition of madness. The problem is that now that my mind is swirling so much, I can't always keep up the facade of "normal". I talk about my insanity so much more freely now that I'm sure that I'm starting to worry my friends. And you know what, I think that my friends should be worried because I literally am losing grip on my mind.
Now on the other hand, for me, coming up with new ideas has become as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. And creating characters with rich emotional lives has become incredibly easy for me.
I think I feel like how many great actors must feel. Great actor are such because they can so readily access their emotions. And the only way people can have ready access to emotions is if they allow their emotions to float on the surface of the subconscious. I think that that would be why you often hear people say that actors are crazy. Having such ready access to one's emotions is the job of an actor and it could make you seem really crazy. I currently feel pretty crazy. But the question is, should I stop?
I can't help but think, 'what is the use of having sanity if I couldn't also have success?' What good is sanity to me. Now if I begin to lose friends because of my lack of sanity, that would be different. But as long as my friends are willing to stick around, then sanity is just a hindrance. And if it means that my fate becomes that of the character Tian in 'The First Day After Life,' well, so be it. It wouldn't be a fate worse than failure.
Ok, with that said I have also given a lot of thought as to what field I could make a lot of money in. When I left college I thought I would be successful as an actor. Back then I often heard how good looking I was and how good I was as an actor. However I switched to being a producer before I gathered any real momentum.
The producer switch was a good one. With producing I had a great creative outlet and I was told that I was really good at it because I wrote funny stuff and I could get my creative team to do their best work. But I stopped producing because I knew that that wasn't what I should be doing with my life. Instead I made a movie.
I got mixed reviews for my directorial debut. But there were those that really, really liked it. I however couldn't get financing for my next movie so that was dead in the water. I then entered corporate life in marketing. And once again I got extremely high praise for my work in marketing. But I was positive that that wasn't where I was supposed to direct my passion either.
That little bit there represents a number of years of my life. Each time I entered into the field thinking that I would earn a ton of money. And except for directing, I left the fields trying to find something that would better line up with my soul.
Now here I am as an author. Once again I am getting great praise for my ability to write. I have also been told a couple of times that my book concepts are on the brilliant side. And here I am once again considered leaving the field.
This time I must ask myself why I am considering leaving it. When I left the other fields, I left because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was something else that I should be doing and that I had the time to gain momentum with those other fields.
Now I ask myself if there is some other field out there that I feel that my abilities are better suited for. The answer is no. Writing books it the best expression of most of my strengths. And those other strengths could be utilized in the other fields that writing successful books allow, like directing the script for a book you wrote and being in front of the camera because of one of your books.
The other thing I have to ask myself is, at my age, do I have the time to enter a completely different field and become good at it. The sad answer is no. I am plum out of time. Sure I could start other careers. But I no longer have the time to learn something well enough to make a lot of money doing it.
So the question is, if I quit writing and I decided to keep on living, what do I do? What would most make me feel like I am fulfilling my mission here on earth? If I am honest with myself, I have to say that there is nothing else that's realistic. I think that I have to admit that if I don't make it as a writer in some form, I will never live up to my financial potential. So, it is either I write books or I give up on having a financially successful/fulfilling life.
I guess the truth is that we all age. And I think that I made the most out of my youth. In my youth I was an actor and producer and director and a entrepreneur and corporate marketing guy. I did a number of things then, but it is clear to me that I now need to make a choice. I need to choose one area and ride it for all of it's worth. And if I don't do that, I may as well cash in my chips and go home.
And if I had to choose one field, I think it should be something that other people think that I'm gifted at. No one ever called me a gifted actor or director. The only field where I have heard the words "gifted" and "genius" was in writing. And if I were to be honest with myself and say where I thought my skills would be the most applicable, it would be in creating stories. I am and have always been a storyteller.
So now with that once again settled in my mind the true question becomes "To be or not to be." I have to say that that really is the question. To be completely honest, I really do think that writing is causing me to slowly lose grip on my mind.
I don't know that in reality it is as dramatic as it sounds though. Because in order to write what I write, I have to let go of the tight grip I had on my emotions and mind. In order to get unique ideas I have to let my mind "swirl". And I think that a "swirling" mind is the definition of madness. The problem is that now that my mind is swirling so much, I can't always keep up the facade of "normal". I talk about my insanity so much more freely now that I'm sure that I'm starting to worry my friends. And you know what, I think that my friends should be worried because I literally am losing grip on my mind.
Now on the other hand, for me, coming up with new ideas has become as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. And creating characters with rich emotional lives has become incredibly easy for me.
I think I feel like how many great actors must feel. Great actor are such because they can so readily access their emotions. And the only way people can have ready access to emotions is if they allow their emotions to float on the surface of the subconscious. I think that that would be why you often hear people say that actors are crazy. Having such ready access to one's emotions is the job of an actor and it could make you seem really crazy. I currently feel pretty crazy. But the question is, should I stop?
I can't help but think, 'what is the use of having sanity if I couldn't also have success?' What good is sanity to me. Now if I begin to lose friends because of my lack of sanity, that would be different. But as long as my friends are willing to stick around, then sanity is just a hindrance. And if it means that my fate becomes that of the character Tian in 'The First Day After Life,' well, so be it. It wouldn't be a fate worse than failure.
Monday, June 13, 2011
If you let go of their hand, would they still be holding onto yours?
A few years ago I met a woman. I was initially attracted to her but when I found out she had a boyfriend I quickly lost interest. But I think that in spite of her boyfriend she was interested in me.
In the beginning she was the one to contact me. She would call me every few weeks and that was the only time we spoke. After a while I grew to really enjoy her company. At that point we both contacted each other equally.
About a year and a half ago I realized that she hadn't called me in months. We still spoke but it was all because of me reaching out to her. I decided to see if I was the only one holding onto our friendship. So one day I decided to not call her again until she called me. I never heard from her again. It seems that when I let go of her hand, she slipped her hand out of mine and walked away.
I bring it up because there was a girl that I mentioned a couple of postings ago. She was the girl that decided to start dating her ex-boyfriend again. Initially I was the only one initiating contact. When she mentioned her return to her ex I immediately stopped feeling very foolish that I mistook her politeness for attraction. I had been texting her every other day and I kind of felt that she replied to me because she was to polite to ignore me.
Two weeks after I stopped texting her, she texted me. I thought it was a good sign so I invited her out again. She never got back to me on it, and when I contacted her again she declined saying that she had made other plans for that day.
I then decided to not text her again. But yesterday, two weeks after our last contact, she texted me again. It seems that as opposed to the girl from two years ago, this recent girl didn't want to let me go.
I bring it up because although I keep letting writing go, it keeps contacting me. This morning some who read my book emailed me. He said that he would do me a favor and not write a review for Run From The Reaper. Damn, that stung!
Well, I replied by thanking him and letting him know that not only had I stopped selling the book, but that I am rethinking my career path. He replied back saying that I shouldn't quit. He then said that "there is a storytelling gift there." Is he serious? This is the guy that from his first email clearly felt like he wasted his time in reading my book. Yet in the second email he is referring to my "storytelling gift?" What the fuck?
Also, after his first email where he made it clear that I had wasted his time, I then emailed all 200 recipients of my book giveaway and told them what the situation was. I was surprised at the amount of people that wrote me back telling me that they had already read it and had enjoyed it. I was not expecting that.
And tying everything together, it seems that like that recent girl, 'being a writer' doesn't seem to let me go. After making the decision to walk away, the footprints of my writing remain. I'm sure that if I ignore those footprints long enough they will fade away. But like the girl, what else do I have going on right now?
So now I think again about my legacy. How much longer do I really have left? All of my books except Fixing Cupid are about something. They are all different from the standard fair. They are books about masturbation, talking penises and traveling the afterlife looking for God. They are about the importance of embracing the part of us that we usually run from and how to connect with others. My books are unique and they make the world a slightly better place for them being here... and not just because they're entertaining.
When I was 17 years old, I used to meditate twice a day. Strange things happen when you meditate so often. What happened to me was that I became psychic and I could feel colors. At that time I had a vision about what my life would be. I knew that I would be a spiritual teacher. But what I realized one day was that I was drifting further and further from normality. My life was becoming increasing less like a life that others could relate to. And I felt that the best spiritual teacher has one that had the ability to relate with the troubles of others and use that understanding to become an even clearer teacher.
When I realized that was when I decided to stop meditating. I dropped everything spiritual that I was doing at the time and reentered "normal" life. But if I think about it now, my books feel like a continuation of that mission I started over 20 years ago. If I really think about it my books teach spirituality (the connection between everyone) in stories that others can relate to, and it does it with the immense life experience I've gained over those 20 years. It seems that even when I didn't consciously think about it, there was always a part of me that never forgot my mission.
The question is, now that I've made the actions of my subconscious conscious, and now that I am free from the dictates of my 17 year old self, what should I do? Was the mission that I set out on 20 years ago a worthwhile mission? Perhaps not. Yelling into a dark empty room usually isn't. But maybe if I were to eliminate the idea that I will ever earn a living writing, and in turn only wrote books of substance, maybe in time they will mean something to someone else's life.
But the question is, am I that noble. I would like to think that I am not. But that idealist 17 year old who had pledged his life to making other lives better at the expense of his own, seems to rule my actions in a way that I can't escape. I think that when I'm on my death bed my adult self will be very bitter about my life. But I also think that the 17 year old might be very pleased. I think that if there was a way to kill that 17 year old, my life would be significantly better. But I don't know how to do that. And thinking about it now, "this is why I fail."
In the beginning she was the one to contact me. She would call me every few weeks and that was the only time we spoke. After a while I grew to really enjoy her company. At that point we both contacted each other equally.
About a year and a half ago I realized that she hadn't called me in months. We still spoke but it was all because of me reaching out to her. I decided to see if I was the only one holding onto our friendship. So one day I decided to not call her again until she called me. I never heard from her again. It seems that when I let go of her hand, she slipped her hand out of mine and walked away.
I bring it up because there was a girl that I mentioned a couple of postings ago. She was the girl that decided to start dating her ex-boyfriend again. Initially I was the only one initiating contact. When she mentioned her return to her ex I immediately stopped feeling very foolish that I mistook her politeness for attraction. I had been texting her every other day and I kind of felt that she replied to me because she was to polite to ignore me.
Two weeks after I stopped texting her, she texted me. I thought it was a good sign so I invited her out again. She never got back to me on it, and when I contacted her again she declined saying that she had made other plans for that day.
I then decided to not text her again. But yesterday, two weeks after our last contact, she texted me again. It seems that as opposed to the girl from two years ago, this recent girl didn't want to let me go.
I bring it up because although I keep letting writing go, it keeps contacting me. This morning some who read my book emailed me. He said that he would do me a favor and not write a review for Run From The Reaper. Damn, that stung!
Well, I replied by thanking him and letting him know that not only had I stopped selling the book, but that I am rethinking my career path. He replied back saying that I shouldn't quit. He then said that "there is a storytelling gift there." Is he serious? This is the guy that from his first email clearly felt like he wasted his time in reading my book. Yet in the second email he is referring to my "storytelling gift?" What the fuck?
Also, after his first email where he made it clear that I had wasted his time, I then emailed all 200 recipients of my book giveaway and told them what the situation was. I was surprised at the amount of people that wrote me back telling me that they had already read it and had enjoyed it. I was not expecting that.
And tying everything together, it seems that like that recent girl, 'being a writer' doesn't seem to let me go. After making the decision to walk away, the footprints of my writing remain. I'm sure that if I ignore those footprints long enough they will fade away. But like the girl, what else do I have going on right now?
So now I think again about my legacy. How much longer do I really have left? All of my books except Fixing Cupid are about something. They are all different from the standard fair. They are books about masturbation, talking penises and traveling the afterlife looking for God. They are about the importance of embracing the part of us that we usually run from and how to connect with others. My books are unique and they make the world a slightly better place for them being here... and not just because they're entertaining.
When I was 17 years old, I used to meditate twice a day. Strange things happen when you meditate so often. What happened to me was that I became psychic and I could feel colors. At that time I had a vision about what my life would be. I knew that I would be a spiritual teacher. But what I realized one day was that I was drifting further and further from normality. My life was becoming increasing less like a life that others could relate to. And I felt that the best spiritual teacher has one that had the ability to relate with the troubles of others and use that understanding to become an even clearer teacher.
When I realized that was when I decided to stop meditating. I dropped everything spiritual that I was doing at the time and reentered "normal" life. But if I think about it now, my books feel like a continuation of that mission I started over 20 years ago. If I really think about it my books teach spirituality (the connection between everyone) in stories that others can relate to, and it does it with the immense life experience I've gained over those 20 years. It seems that even when I didn't consciously think about it, there was always a part of me that never forgot my mission.
The question is, now that I've made the actions of my subconscious conscious, and now that I am free from the dictates of my 17 year old self, what should I do? Was the mission that I set out on 20 years ago a worthwhile mission? Perhaps not. Yelling into a dark empty room usually isn't. But maybe if I were to eliminate the idea that I will ever earn a living writing, and in turn only wrote books of substance, maybe in time they will mean something to someone else's life.
But the question is, am I that noble. I would like to think that I am not. But that idealist 17 year old who had pledged his life to making other lives better at the expense of his own, seems to rule my actions in a way that I can't escape. I think that when I'm on my death bed my adult self will be very bitter about my life. But I also think that the 17 year old might be very pleased. I think that if there was a way to kill that 17 year old, my life would be significantly better. But I don't know how to do that. And thinking about it now, "this is why I fail."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Here's a reading of the chapter as I heard it in my head... how could people hate it so much?
I had and interesting experience today. Last night I wrote a post thanking a reviewer for giving me the suggestion to move the first chapter of Run From The Reaper to the prologue. And in the post on his blog I mentioned that I pulled the book from shelves and that it might not return. He wrote me back this morning saying that it "would certainly be a mistake" to permanently shelve it.
That surprised me since although he did recommend the book he only gave me 5 out of 10 stars. That's pretty mediocre. But he then went further than that. He said that it was "an entertaining story" that had "endless possibilities." And after that he preceded to list off all of the various genres and formats that I could explore the concept of the Red Reaper. He even mentioned turning it into a series.
That took me by surprise because a lot of my disappoint concerning that book was that I had hoped that this could be a series of books, but a book with bad reviews doesn't make a good series. The bad reviews that I got pretty much killed the possibility of people buying a second book much less the first book. But here was a reviewer that gave me a solidly mediocre rating encouraging me to turn it into a series. I just don't get it.
And what I also don't get is how even the reviewer who gave me the 5 out of 5 star review could talk negatively about my first chapter. She called it confusing and that is the best thing that was said about it. 2 reviewers referred to the first chapter as "unbearable." Again this is the chapter which I consider the best thing that I have ever written. How could we be so far off?
I loved it after I wrote it. I loved it after I edited it. I just recorded a reading of it and I have loved that too. How could I be so wrong about this chapter. How could a writer ever trust their writer instinct when such a chasm exists between what he thinks and what reader feel? For those who are interested in listening to the way that I heard the chapter in my mind when I wrote it, it is below. And please tell me, is it confusing? Is it unbearable? I really need to know.
I have to say that it was interesting to wake up two days ago. It was my first day post authorship. Perhaps in an unjustified way, I always thought of myself as special. No one ever said it to me. But maybe it was all the psychic things that happened to me growing up that made me think that I had some greater purpose. And yesterday was the first day that I could ever remember when I woke up and felt not special. It was my first day as just another guy. It didn't feel bad. I just felt a little sad that I had wasted my life thinking that I was something more. I've had so many wasted years when I could have instead chosen happiness.
I have also been giving some thought to my legacy these last two days. I have never thought that I would have a long life. Now I'm sure of it. And it is apt for me to start considering my legacy. I know I have my life-sized bronze statue in Rockford, Illinois. I guess that that is all anyone really needs in their life as a legacy. But I'm starting to wonder if I should go after more. Should I just finish the books I have so that when I'm gone and they continue to live in digital form, my Wikipedia page will say that I had a statue and that I wrote those books? I wonder. I guess having written books called Everybody Masturbates is already a fun Wikipedia legacy, but should I spend the time I have left beefing up my legacy? I wonder.
Here is my reading of what should have been the prologue for Run From The Reaper but instead was the first chapter.
That surprised me since although he did recommend the book he only gave me 5 out of 10 stars. That's pretty mediocre. But he then went further than that. He said that it was "an entertaining story" that had "endless possibilities." And after that he preceded to list off all of the various genres and formats that I could explore the concept of the Red Reaper. He even mentioned turning it into a series.
That took me by surprise because a lot of my disappoint concerning that book was that I had hoped that this could be a series of books, but a book with bad reviews doesn't make a good series. The bad reviews that I got pretty much killed the possibility of people buying a second book much less the first book. But here was a reviewer that gave me a solidly mediocre rating encouraging me to turn it into a series. I just don't get it.
And what I also don't get is how even the reviewer who gave me the 5 out of 5 star review could talk negatively about my first chapter. She called it confusing and that is the best thing that was said about it. 2 reviewers referred to the first chapter as "unbearable." Again this is the chapter which I consider the best thing that I have ever written. How could we be so far off?
I loved it after I wrote it. I loved it after I edited it. I just recorded a reading of it and I have loved that too. How could I be so wrong about this chapter. How could a writer ever trust their writer instinct when such a chasm exists between what he thinks and what reader feel? For those who are interested in listening to the way that I heard the chapter in my mind when I wrote it, it is below. And please tell me, is it confusing? Is it unbearable? I really need to know.
I have to say that it was interesting to wake up two days ago. It was my first day post authorship. Perhaps in an unjustified way, I always thought of myself as special. No one ever said it to me. But maybe it was all the psychic things that happened to me growing up that made me think that I had some greater purpose. And yesterday was the first day that I could ever remember when I woke up and felt not special. It was my first day as just another guy. It didn't feel bad. I just felt a little sad that I had wasted my life thinking that I was something more. I've had so many wasted years when I could have instead chosen happiness.
I have also been giving some thought to my legacy these last two days. I have never thought that I would have a long life. Now I'm sure of it. And it is apt for me to start considering my legacy. I know I have my life-sized bronze statue in Rockford, Illinois. I guess that that is all anyone really needs in their life as a legacy. But I'm starting to wonder if I should go after more. Should I just finish the books I have so that when I'm gone and they continue to live in digital form, my Wikipedia page will say that I had a statue and that I wrote those books? I wonder. I guess having written books called Everybody Masturbates is already a fun Wikipedia legacy, but should I spend the time I have left beefing up my legacy? I wonder.
Here is my reading of what should have been the prologue for Run From The Reaper but instead was the first chapter.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Maybe I don't suck as a writer... maybe it's just voodoo
Yesterday I got some god awful reviews on Amazon for ‘Run From The Reaper’ forcing me to pull it from sale everywhere. This morning I got an email from a reviewer who placed her review on a site from which I couldn't remove the book. All of the reviews here are really good. The reviewers actually got the book. Now I’m torn. I'm not sure what I should do. Here's a link to the site: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11489740-run-from-the-reaper
What I had a real problem with was that 2 reviewers called my first chapter “unbearable” while I think it is, hands down, the best thing I’ve ever written. That huge disparity is what led me to rethink my career path. If I am so out of touch with what readers like then there is no hope for me as a successful writer.
But there was a review in particular on GoodReads that made me think that all was not lost. So now I'm thinking that if I ever were to touch Run From the Reaper again, I think I would move the first chapter to the prologue. That would solve 2 of the problems mentioned by reviewers. I admit that since I have never read a horror script that had been turned into a book, I did not know how to handle that opening scene in the movie where the focus is on a character other than the main character. Obviously the way I handled it didn’t work.
Also, if I were to touch the book again, I would take advantage of the fact that it is the year 2011 and that I write e-books and put a link in the book to an audio file of me reading the prologue. I’m pretty sure that it isn’t that the chapter is badly written. It is that readers can’t guess the rhythm you have to use to read it. I guess it was foolish of me to think that more than a handful of readers would. That was a concern I had when I wrote it. But what are you going to do?
Another reader mentioned that the biggest problem they had with the book was that it was so short. That’s not a bad problem to have. And I think that I could easily address that problem by calling it a novella and putting the word count in the description.
On a positive note, even the bad reviewers liked everything after the first chapter (minus the apparently few errors). They all liked the concept of the book a lot and everyone thought that the action made the book read quickly. One person even said that the main character was written so well that readers could anticipate what the main character was thinking. Wow.
The biggest reason I decided to stop writing Samurai Zombie Hunter was because, more than anything else, SZH is a character study and not a typical zombie book. The problem I imagined was that since my intellectual horror book was being hated, my character study Zombie book would be panned as badly.
But having read that a reviewer found the quasi character study a strength in that horror book, I’m starting to think that some readers might find the same thing a positive in my zombie book. All of my positive reviews for Reaper say that the book is different than the usual fair and that is why they recommend it. Maybe the same thing will be said about the Zombie book IF I released it.
Clearly there is some type of voodoo on me right now that is preventing me from having any type of financial success in any area of my life. But maybe it isn’t because I write unappealing books. May there’s just some horrible thing about me that I don’t know but others can feel. Whatever it is, it sucks and it is wearing me down in a serious way.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I'm not going to finish Samurai Zombie Hunter
So yesterday I got my first reviews for Run From the Reaper. How were they, you may ask? Well let me put it this way. I will never write another book. Was it that bad, you may ask? Umm, not really. But the reviews set a chain of events into motion which have gotten me to here.
While reading the reviews I accidentally saw my book ranking. It was shockingly low considering how much promotion i have done. SHOCKINGLY! I then sat and thought about it and something that I've known for awhile came to mind. I just don't write commercial stuff. Fixing Cupid is really my only commercial book and I hated myself for a very long time after writing it. And for as much time as I put into writing, I can't not making a living at it.
But it wasn't only that that book was ranked low, but all of my recent books were low. And I'm not talking "hey that's not bad for your first month/s" low. I mean "I tested my cover, my blurb, and i've spent hours promoting, so are fucking kidding me," low. I mean seriously, ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME!
So because the bad reviews hurt my ego, i pulled RFTR from sale. I also pulled Happiness May Vary. I then increased my book prices to where they were in February because the lower kindle price killed my paperback sales without getting me many more sales on Kindle. I think I got more sales on the ipad than on Kindle.
And I really don't see the need to finish Samurai Zombie Hunter or continue with the Everybody vs The Ferret series. Writing it was a devastating process. Why release it. If I can't even get more than a handful of sales with Fixing Cupid a very funny book, then what chance do i have with SZH and EVTF.
And now that the author part of my life is over, the problem is that my life has no purpose. Writing was my anchor. But I never enjoyed writing so I would never do it for fun. So now I'm a drift in the open sea. Oh well, such is life. At least I had the chance to try that too. :-)
While reading the reviews I accidentally saw my book ranking. It was shockingly low considering how much promotion i have done. SHOCKINGLY! I then sat and thought about it and something that I've known for awhile came to mind. I just don't write commercial stuff. Fixing Cupid is really my only commercial book and I hated myself for a very long time after writing it. And for as much time as I put into writing, I can't not making a living at it.
But it wasn't only that that book was ranked low, but all of my recent books were low. And I'm not talking "hey that's not bad for your first month/s" low. I mean "I tested my cover, my blurb, and i've spent hours promoting, so are fucking kidding me," low. I mean seriously, ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME!
So because the bad reviews hurt my ego, i pulled RFTR from sale. I also pulled Happiness May Vary. I then increased my book prices to where they were in February because the lower kindle price killed my paperback sales without getting me many more sales on Kindle. I think I got more sales on the ipad than on Kindle.
And I really don't see the need to finish Samurai Zombie Hunter or continue with the Everybody vs The Ferret series. Writing it was a devastating process. Why release it. If I can't even get more than a handful of sales with Fixing Cupid a very funny book, then what chance do i have with SZH and EVTF.
And now that the author part of my life is over, the problem is that my life has no purpose. Writing was my anchor. But I never enjoyed writing so I would never do it for fun. So now I'm a drift in the open sea. Oh well, such is life. At least I had the chance to try that too. :-)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A new cover for Everybody vs The Ferret: 2
Book: Everybody vs The Ferret: 2Words: 10,890 (edited)
Time: 10:30 - noon & 3 - 7pm (minus .5hrs)
Mood: Good
Impression: It's great satire
I was able to get through the entire book today. And surprisingly enough it didn't require a lot of changes. I am going to make a second pass at it tomorrow, but that one will just be for humor. There are at least 3 humor points where I didn't maximize the humorous potential. I will see if I can tomorrow.
I probably shouldn't admit this in my blog but when I was editing Fixing Cupid I laughed out loud quite a bit. I didn't while editing Everybody vs The Ferret: 2. Granted that doesn't mean that it isn't funny. I didn't laugh at half of the book Happiness May Vary and everyone says that it's funny all of the way through. I didn't laugh at all at Everybody vs The Ferret: 1, and the two comedy writers that read it for me both said it was funny.
What I can say is that it is a very funny premise. And it's pretty brilliant satire. I can also say that I laughed a couple of times when I was coming up with the ideas. And I wrote the ideas in a way that maximized its potential humor. But if it is laugh out loud funny, I don't see it. But again, it is extremely clever and great satire. Oh, and I should mention that I had taken a longer break between writing and editing Fixing Cupid. That probably allowed me to get more distance before reading it.
Attached is the new cover for Everybody vs The Ferret: 2. Enjoy!
So far I have sent out about 130 review copies for Run From The Reaper. And can I say that I am nervous about the reviews? I was very confident for Fixing Cupid. But for this one I'm nervous.
I am really concerned that people won't get what they are expecting with this book. The description very accurately describes the book. But I used the writing style that came to me while writing it. I'm not sure if people will like the flowing nature of it.
Someone had reviewed one of my other books and had called the writing intoxicating. My thought was, 'that's not what I call intoxicating writing. This is what I call intoxicating writing.' And then I wrote Run From The Reaper in a very sensual way. It is possible that some people might not like it at all. But I guess that I will very soon see.
The only other thing on my mind tonight is a woman. There is a woman that I got to know recently and when I met her, I wasn't taken by her. But she was pretty so we hung out once. There was no chemistry between us so I let her go. I ran into her a couple more times and eventually she did me a favorite that I genuinely appreciated so I did something for her.
After that we spent more time together and after a while I realized that she is funny and makes me laugh. That is so rare. So after that I decide that I like her. Can I tell you that between that time she started going out with her ex-boyfriend again. So now I kind of like her and she's with him. Sucks! And the bad thing is that I'm not being social enough to replace her in my thoughts. So thoughts of her still linger even though I don't contact her anymore. It's really too bad. I need to figure out how to get out more...
Oh, and there was this one woman, she was actually a model/writer that I met on the same day that I went out for the first time with the girl I described above. I would so love to talk to her again. She had a boyfriend to. But man did I like her. She was one of the coolest, most beautiful, funny women that I have ever met. And we had incredible chemistry together. Again, too bad.
Anyway back to the important stuff. Tomorrow I will most likely upload Everybody vs The Ferret: 2. So on Wednesday I will probably start editing Samurai Zombie Hunter. That will probably take about a week. After that I will start outlining the next book. I have decided to give that book a female lead. I've never done that before so I will be pushing my limits. We'll see how that goes.
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