I have began to settle into the idea that I will never do anything in my life better than writing. I'm thinking about that along with the fact that I wasn't an instant success at it financially speaking. It's actually a little depressing for me. I have spent my entire life going from one thing to the next looking for the quick home run. And now I learn that the home run will probably never come. There might be a series of singles that gets me home, but no home runs in this final inning.
The thing that keeps coming back to me is 'is it all worth the effort?' I have no problem working as hard as I need to work over a short period. I am a sprinter. I'm not sure if I'm ready for a marathon that could last for the rest of my life and end with no results.
Two days ago, I did watch something that made me think. The Adjustment Bureau is a movie about destiny and doing what you have to do to create your destiny. It was also about the idea that there are forces that keep you from achieving things that those forces don't want you to achieve. The idea was that when we don't get what we want, it is so other greater things can happen.
In the movie the main character is told that forces were keeping Matt Damon away from his love because she fills the hole that he has inside of him. And the Bureau didn't want that hole filled because Matt's attempts to fill that hole will lead Matt to greater things than he could imagine.
As a guy who is endless trying to fill my metaphorical hole, that idea made me think. Certainly that hole that I carry around has lead me to everything that I've accomplished (even thought I'm having a hard time trying to remember what that is right now.... hmmm, I'm sure I've accomplished a few things in my life). I wonder if I had my metaphorical hole filled, I would just be happy with my life and not be so insanely driven. And if I did that, would I commit the greatest sin anyone could commit, which is that I wouldn't live up to my own potential.
I've been thinking a lot recently about when I was 17. I really was a very unique person when I was 17. Back then I felt I had no control over my life so I decided to control the only thing I could, my mind. And my level of devotion and control over my mind was incredible. I even remember some of the things that started flowing into my thoughts after I started meditating twice a day. The thoughts were profound by any standard. To this point I still believe that my mind opened up to some pool of knowledge that was beyond anything that I could understand otherwise.
And now that I have have become that person that I set out to become when I was 17, weathered, beaten down, tired, but very full of wisdom, I was considering stepping out of life. 'Stepping out of life' is what I refer to that state that I was in when I was 17. I remember that back then, I stopped thinking like everyone else. I was like a monk. I lost the ability to connect with anyone because I felt so connected to spiritual energy. No one could reach me emotionally, but I was extremely fulfilled and content. I felt a level of bliss at that time that is hard to describe now. And that bliss is what I consciously gave up so that I could become this person that I am today.
My instinct now says that the bliss wasn't worth giving up. So now I wonder if I should return to that life. I think that if I return to that life and I decide to continue to write, I will lose the very thing that this 20 year journey was meant to gain. Right now all of my emotions are in some sort of hyper drive. Meditation will definitely take all of those emotions away.
I currently wear a ring on my pointing finger that says 'Happiness' because theoretically that is what I want most in life. But is that true? If I stepped out of my life I would be happy. If I don't, I won't be happy. Yet I feel this thing telling me that I shouldn't step out of my life. Therefore, am I just lying to myself when I say that I want happiness? I think that I am.
Tomorrow I was supposed to start to edit that last book that I finished writing (I can't get myself to even type the name of it), but I was asked to do some cash work instead. I'm doing the work because I don't know when I will ever work again. Maybe I will instead start on Thursday. Or maybe I may never do it.
I have to say that I am more than a little depressed that all I will ever be is a writer. I spent so much time refining my skills in business and people management; in graphics and leadership that to spend the rest of my life alone in front of a computer writing books seems like such a waste to me. Or more precisely, it make me feel like so much of my life has been a waste. And what's more, all of those things that I mentioned business, people management etc, I enjoy doing a lot more than writing.
Boy my life is really starting to feel like such a waste. And let me tell you, my lack of book sales is not helping. And that fact that I'm spending all of my time doing the cash work isn't helping my sales. I don't like where my life is going right now.
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