The Days of My Life Having Value Might Not Be Over

I can say without reservation or ego that at the heart of who I am, I am a person that wants to help people better understand themselves and life, and to help people feel better about themselves. That was who I was when I was 14 and it's who I am today. I think that one of the reasons that I began writing was as a way to fulfill that purpose. Writing was my forum for helping people.

A lot of things have changed over the years, though. My bright-eyed openness of spirit has really dimmed. Looking back on it, it wasn't even real event that closed my open heart. It was my perception of reality. Looking back on it, my reality was pretty great (comparatively speaking), but I couldn't escape my expectations and interpretations of my life. And it wore me down. It batted me around. And as a result, I am now only a shadow of the good person that I used to be.

Still though, at my core, I am a person who wants to help people. So now I do it in less grandiose ways. Perhaps I only help my friends to understand their life better. Perhaps, I teach a relative something that gives them a sense of empowerment. I'm always looking for the opportunities and I usually take them when my greatly diminished generosity of spirit allows me.

In the last few years, though, I've had a couple of opportunities to change literally thousands of lives. I'm grateful for those opportunities. I released a couple of YouTube videos that according to the comments, really shaped the way people viewed themselves. And my 'Everybody Masturbates'  books have been a surprising positive influence on a couple hundred lives.

I say all of that because, I think that today, I might have been able to once again 'do good'. At this moment in my life, I am an erotica author. That's all I am. I'm not the greatest or most successful, but I am an international bestseller. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful to be that. But my job is simply to get people to masturbate. I accept that my life doesn't have much social value at this point.

Granted, I have received a few really wonderful emails from fans that have been very emotionally moved by my erotic stories. And granted, I have had a few fans tell me how my stories have played a role in gaining a greater sense of intimacy with their spouse. And, for that, again, I'm grateful. But hey, when I set out in this life, I had visions of reshaping the world, so, needless to say, I have fallen pretty far from the person that I was and who I was hoping to be.

But I say all of that to say that today, I think that I did something special. Today, while outlining my next erotica story, I think that I came up with something that is "good". It's subtle. And anyone that knows me knows I don't do subtle very well. But this is and this is a greater good.

Outlining the story, it was like I could put myself in the mind of my readers. There, I could feel the way the reader's view of herself could change. I hit "it" with this story. Yes, the story is just as likely to make the reader masturbate as the other books in this series. But this one is special. This erotic story has the potential to reshape the way the reader looks at herself. It's a good thing. I'm really proud of it.

Compared to any author whose name you know, I don't sell very many books. I make my living from being prolific. So, it's not like very many people will read the story. But for the first time in a while, I think that I am once again doing good. And that feels good. It makes me believe that perhaps the remainder of my life might be of use to someone past myself and the people immediately around me. And perhaps I have an opportunity to be "good" even as I work really hard to get people to get themselves off. I have to admit, that would be a nice thing.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about anything. I have been lucky enough to do enough good for a life time. I could die now and be assured that my life has been an incredible net positive. So I know that I should just be grateful for that. But it certainly feels nice that perhaps my days of helping to change people's lives isn't all behind me. So today was a good day for me. Yep, today was a really good day.

Crazy Author Self Doubt: Take Two

So, it took me 3 hours before I forgot about how much I liked what I just wrote and started to think that it sucks. Well, it's not that it sucks, because it does achieve all of the goals I set for it. It's funny. It's exciting. It's emotional deep. It has flushed-out characters.

Those aren't the problems. It's that it probably references sex way too much for network TV. Hmm, well, I just watched the pilot of 'How to Live with your Parents'. So maybe it's possible that it doesn't mention sex too much for a network show. But maybe it mentions sex too much for a show about zombies. Or more precisely,  maybe there are too many jokes about sex in a show about zombies. And to think that I cut back on the sexual references from the novel... or did I?

I have to say that this is really feeling more like Buffy the Vampire slayer than The Walking Dead. I think that is a huge mistake. I guess it isn't quite like Buffy, but it has a hint of it. It's more like 'Royal Pains' with zombies and samurai swords. Or 'Bones' with zombies and samurai swords. It's kind of like a hybrid of drama and comedy.

Normally I would say that that's great. I love those types of shows. But 'know thy audience'. It's more like 'Smallville' with humor and sex or hmm... I'm not sure.

Maybe I shouldn't be the one to write the pilot. All I did was turn the book into a pilot. Ok, maybe that's what I was supposed to do, but I'm not sure if that was the correct decision. Maybe I should do a pass on it where I strip out all of the sexual references and most of the humor. Maybe I should just try to keep it at one joke per episode.

You know what channels would like this the way I wrote it? MTV. It would fit perfectly with Teen Wolf. Man it would fit well. Or maybe BBC America. USA or TNT might go for it as well. They all love those dramedies. This is absolutely a dramedy.

As I think about it, 'Brothers and Sisters' and GCB were dramedies on ABC Sunday night. Both had a lot of sexual references. Once Upon a Time is a fantasy show on Sunday night and could possibly have similar audiences as SZH... maybe.

Or maybe I'm over thinking this. What I wrote is absolutely an adaption of the novel into a procedural  It's well written and exciting. It sets up a series well and has interesting plot possibilities. I did what I was supposed to do.

Ah screw it. I need to re-read this. Maybe there isn't as much sex and I'm thinking there is.

Maybe I should just stick to Romance where I just got the most awesome reviews recently. The review I got yesterday said "I loved it. I went on an emotional journey. I felt the story was a bit fantasy, reality and love." A review I got last week said " It was amazing! It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time I was reading it! I just hope that there will be a part two to their story! Love his books!" And these are for erotica! I'll repeat that, they're for EROTICA!

Hmm, Ok, so maybe I'm sounding a little desperate quoting my reviews to make myself feel better. Man up, Cristian! They all can't be winners. We all fail. I guess it's just tough when you feel that you are doing something that you yourself would advise someone not to do, because you actually know better.

Crap! I'm gonna put in my audiobook and go to bed. That's enough obsessing for one night. 

How Writers go Insane

I think that anyone who really knows me would say that I'm not the model of sanity. And I'm sure that anyone who has read a couple of my books could probably pick that out as well. Thinking about in now, I can't tell you if I went out to have a pretty insane life, or if this just happened. I do remember thinking that I didn't ever want to be boring. So maybe this is all by choice.

But this weekend was pretty friggin' wild. I definitely had a memory that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. And it's one of those things that makes me question how good of a person I am. I'm hoping that I still count as a good person, but really, who knows at this point.

Anyway, I think that I have been put in a introspective mood because of 2 reasons: I'm writing the pilot for Samurai Zombie Hunter on Monday and writing my thought provoking stories always makes me a little introspective. And secondly, I had to re read that book of mine for the first time in 2 years. I really didn't want to, but I did.

Boy, there's no need to wonder whether or not I have a writers voice. Damn! So passive aggressive that voice is. There's so much anger hidden under a thin veil of wit. And certainly I know why it reads so bitterly. I was experiencing thinly veiled anger when I wrote it. I lashed out as so many groups under the guise of humor so often in that book.

And even as I read it and knew that I could probably never match that voice again, I knew that I would be again revisiting that story. Certainly a TV pilot doesn't have to be so full of feeling as a book does. But I feel like I should do justice to the original story because the sentiment behind that book is genuine and pure.

Examining this whole thing makes me think about all of the crazy that I've experienced in my life and how it feeds my writing. Seriously, I wrote a book called Happiness Thru the Art of Penis Enlargement and yes on the surface it was broad humor, but it contained so much heart felt pain. Samurai Zombie Hunter was at times laugh out loud funny, but god damn if it didn't contain pain.

That type of pain doesn't just appear out of thin air. The author has to live it and then digest it and then regurgitate it. I read the stories that I write and I really don't like what it says about my life. But on the other hand, how does a person write anything worth reading if it doesn't have that level of emotional depth. Must writers suffer so that everyone else can have a few hours of entertainment?

Well, my life is officially insane. Yes, in someone ways, my life is more amazing that anyone can imagine. I am not overstating it when I say that I have been the subject of miracles. And not spiritual/psychic ones either, although I've had my share of cool things on that topic too. My life is just insane and it doesn't seem to be wanting to level out.

And then on the other hand, how is my life this insane and my non-erotica books not tremendously better sellers. The quality of emotional experiences that I have to draw from are far more than any writer needs to write a great book. Why have I been unable to write that hit?

I have to admit that a part of this tirade comes out of my experience reading Samurai. After the second chapter I remembered a review that I got for it. The person said that I was clearly a talented writer, but SZH wasn't "it". He finished the review by saying "Maybe the next one, Mr Young Miller."

It wasn't a mean review, but it was definitely... hmmm... it's hard to put it into words. But I kept thinking, wait, he's saying that I'm talented, which is an incredibly huge compliment, but he's saying that this book didn't hit the mark. So how does he know I'm talented if this is the only book of mine that he's read, but he didn't think that this one hit the mark? That review surfaces to my consciousness often, actually.

But after reading the first 2 chapters of SZH, I understood it. It's been 2 years since I've read it, so although I know where the story's going, I can't completely remember the details of how I got there. And at one point I pulled the book away from my face and just allowed a thought to flow through me. I was a little blown away by how well I had told a huge chunk of the story. It flowed perfectly. It flowed in a way that can't be taught, and I'm not sure if I could replicate it. It was really good. But I read further and although it was still good, it wasn't at the same level as that section.

I finally understood that review. In fact, as I read further, I began to understand all of my reviews. I could see how some could love and some could hate the book. It is so stylized. I didn't mean for it to be that stylized. In fact, I've read so little fiction that I wouldn't know to try to make it that stylized. I just felt the turmoil I was feeling and let loose. And now, here I am trying to do that again, but this time being conscious of what I've done before.

On a good note though, I am a much better technical writer than I was back then. I've read and edited about 55 short stories since I wrote SZH. I did things in that book that I now chastise my ghostwriters for doing. My erotica boot camp seems to have worked tremendously well.

Anyway, to sum up, my life is insane. I'm a crazy writer that has no control over that thing that seems to make my writing the most interesting. But over all, I do currently possess one of the greatest lives I could imagine. Will I one day be found dead in the back woods somewhere? I would take those odds. But god damn, I will have truly lived by the time that happens.

Now, tomorrow, I put my head down, and I write again. I wonder what will come out of me this time.

It might be time to start writing again

It's been a long time since I've written anything on this blog. I've been very busy in the interim. I've written a lot of erotica, perhaps 60+ stories. And I've become an international bestselling erotica author. Sounds cool, right? Well, I have to say that it is. I never imagined that this could be my life and some how I got lucky and it is.

But I've decided to return to this blog because it might be time for me to start writing again. I just watched an episode of Charlie Rose where he interviewed an author. This author was getting praise for a book of short stories and it got me thinking. Nothing he was saying seemed  applicable to what I do, but it felt familiar enough that it sparked something in me.

I guess there was one thing he said that rang true. He said that you can't plan success, you have to just do and let what you create be what it is. Perhaps that's what I needed to hear. I'm being ambitious with this next story. It's a set of 5 books with the most ambitious goals. But if I just do and let it be whatever it's going to be, it certainly removes a lot of pressure to get everything perfect before I start.


I have to say that what is also offering me encouragement to start is the fact that my mother recently read my work for the 1st time. She read my story 'Everybody Masturbate... for Girls'. And then she read 'Run from the Reaper'. I never really thought about what my mother would think about my writing. I, of course, wanted her to like it. I guess I'm under the impression that no one ever likes my work. I know it's crazy seeing the fact that that's how I make my living, but it's true.

But it was more than just the fact that she liked it, it was how she responded to me once she finished reading it. The way she explained to me that she liked it was almost as if she was surprised that she like it so much.  I am a grown man who lives a very independent life, but I kind of want to write my next story because I would like to give my mother something that she might enjoy reading.

I said a while ago that I was going to write this group of stories as a series of short stories. Maybe it's just because I've become so comfortable with the format. But there's also something to writing short stories. In short stories you have to start off quickly, make your writing concise, and end with something interesting happening. If I'm not mistaken, that is how a lot of popular authors structure their chapters.

So instead of me starting off the story as I would generally do it or how most authors do, I'm going to start the story right in the middle of the action. I found that my erotica readers much prefer when you start with sex. I understand why, the sex is why you are reading the story, and sex is interesting. So why not start a sci-fi story with the most interesting part of your sci-fi happening 1st. Why not open the book with something that drags the reader in with such ferocity that there is nothing the reader can hold onto to resist being sucked into the adventure.

Anyway, just thought that I would mention that I will be writing my 1st short story in this very long series of short stories. I'm not even thinking about how many of them there will be. But what I'm thinking about is that this 1st short story is going to be really fun and really awesome to write. And, to be honest, I'm kind of excited about having my mother read it. I'm hoping she likes it. And I have to say that now that I know who my audience is, it is going to be really ease to make choices about what I will be writing next.

Here goes nothing.

I found out why I'm only doing moderately well as a writer

A year ago I was as depressed as I had ever been in my life. I was writing book after book and barely anyone was buying them. I was very proud of them. They were funny or they talked about an aspect of life that no one else was talking about. But ultimately not enough people were moved by them.

I then posted on my Facebook page my idea about trying out erotica. I was hesitant because I thought that it would make me a pornographer. I figured that I was smart and I would be wasting my intelligence writing crap. Fast forward a year and I'm making more per month than my starting salary at my last corporate job. After I realized that there was money to be made, making more than my last corporate job's starting salary was my goal.

That, however, couldn't be enough. I started to realize what other people were making, and I realized that I wasn't doing that well at all. I was working extremely hard and it really wasn't paying off as it could be. And the outlet that was really under performing was the largest retailer in the world.

Last week when I started to lose my good vibes about how great my life is, I decided that I needed to do something drastic. I would take my last 8 stories and I would enter them into Amazon's Select Lending program. What that allowed me to do is offer them up for free all at once. Offering your books for free actually gets your name out there and it also puts your books into the 'Also Bought' section on other books. If your book has a good title, cover and blurb, the also bought section will sell a ton of your books.

What I thought was that either my books will pick up, or I will finally have proof that my writing is poor. The free period is now over and I learned something that I never expected. I know why my books haven't been selling and it has nothing to do with my writing.

Of the 8 books I released for free, 4 books are a combination of various sub-genres that I've been writing in since I began. The other 4 books fall into the sub-genre that the average American woman might enjoy. Readers picked up 3 times as many of the average American woman stories than the other books. They fell into 2 very grouped clusters that were separated by 40 places on the top 100 free books chart.

I then thought about the books of the latest author to reach $12K a month. I have done about 40 stories, 20 translations and 20 audiobooks. She has done 20 ebooks. That's it. But all of her books fall within the average American woman story parameters. I then thought about all of the other successful authors. They are all successful because of books that they wrote for the average American woman. I know why I haven't been successful! I think I knew this before, but I didn't KNOW it.

I learned a few other things. I got 2 reviews for my books this weekend. 1 person gave it 4 stars saying that there was a lot about it that she liked and then listed them. The other one thought that the story would have worked better if it were longer or a quickie. That person gave me 2 stars. What I took from these is that my quality of writing is just as good as those who are doing well.

The guy who gave the bad review also commented saying that the titles are "great". Believe it or not, that's half of the challenge with selling stories. I know the covers are good, so the blurb is the only thing still up for debate. But 2 out of 3 is pretty good. I don't think that I have to worry about that aspect of their presentation.

So, what I have learned from this experiment is that my writing quality is good, my titles are great and that the reason I haven't been selling more is because I was writing in the wrong sub-genre. I'm actually not sure if my experiment will result in increased sales of my books. That was the purpose of the experiment. But Amazon has dramatically changed their Select program since the person who originally used this technique used it to leapfrogged me in sales. It could fall flat for me.

But the most important thing for me is that I now have a direction. I know that if I can write 16 to 26 more stories in this new sub-genre, I will be moving a ton of books by the time I'm done. If for the rest of the year I could release 4 books a month, then I will hit that target by Christmas. That would mean one hell of a Christmas season for me. I could potentially reach my long term goal of $10K per month. I know it's a big number, but now I finally see it as possible.

On a separate note, I'm going surfing on Friday. I remember when I was kid, there were kids in my school that would go surfing. I went windsurfing, but it wasn't the same. I think windsurfing is cooler and more sporty, but I always thought of surfing as this otherworldly thing. Now, on Friday, I get to see what it's all about and I'm doing it with someone that I will have a great time with. That's pretty awesome.

After that, I am going kayaking. That is something else that a kid from my high school used to do. This time though, as soon as I found out that the kid was doing it, I wanted to try it. It only took me 18 years to get around to it. I'm very excited about that as well.

I have to admit, life is pretty great right now. It is exactly what I want. I remember a few months ago saying aloud what I wanted to make my life complete. I wanted 2 specific types of people to enter my life to fill in a few gaps that I felt I had in my life. Crazy enough, I got exactly that. And the way that it all came about was with such coincidence that it once again reaffirms for me that there is more to life than what we see. I again have no doubt about it.

Oh, speaking of there being more to life, I had an idea recently about how I could start working on my YA novel without committing to it. This is kind of weird, but I thinking about writing SciFi erotica. That's not the weird part, because many people write it. The weird part is that I'm think about using the stories to help me hammer out the worlds that I will use in the YA novels. They would be erotic prologues to books for 14 year old girls. See, I told you it was weird.

They would never be marketed together though. No one would probably ever know that they exist in the same universe. And these stories would be how the main character in the YA novels was conceived. I would use the same name for the planets and characters that would only be brief references in the YA books, and it would be from the same story telling universe. The experiment would also allow me test out the worlds and see if readers respond to them.

Well, that's it for me. It's amazing how far my life has come in a year. A year ago, I would have wished that I would be right where I am now, but I didn't suspect that I actually would be. Now the question is; Where will I be in another years time? Will I be making $10K a month or making even less than now? I might not even be here. Who knows. I guess that we'll find out in a year.

My Latest Focus: Love and Money

I have been having motivational issues about writing my kids book, so this morning I decided to shut off my phone and just write undistracted until I was done. I wrote about 1000 words and then stopped. It didn't work. But thinking about it tonight I realized something, I don't have motivational issues. I don't think I can actually remember a time within the last few years when I've had motivational issues. Every time I thought I had motivational issues toward writing a book, it always turned out to be one thing; the story hadn't finished percolating in my brain yet. I didn't want to start writing because my subconscious knew that something very important wasn't in place yet.

I think that's what's going on now. Although I thought that I had all of the information to start writing, clearly I don't. This is how I feel when I'm not quite ready to start writing. And because this is the case I will stop. I don't think that I can think about any sort of time table anymore. Sadly, writing is more of an art than I like to admit that it is. And sadly, you can't rush art. If I never get to a particular book or story, then that's the way life goes. 

I had a very interesting conversation about writing the other night. This guy told me that he had an idea for a book and tried to write it. He said that he couldn't. It wasn't that he didn't have the desire. It was that he couldn't figure out how to fill in all of the moments between major plot points. He just couldn't give his characters the filler moments where readers get to understand who the characters are.

After explaining this to me and then I sought a better understanding, he said to me, "Let me be the first one to tell you that what you have is a talent. Not everyone can do what you do. Writing is a talent."

That really came as a shock to me because part of the reason I have such a disrespect for writing and writers is because I feel that everyone can do it. There has never been a time when I couldn't do it and I assume that the rest of the world is exactly the same way. The difference I see between me and those that don't do it, is their level of motivation.

But maybe there's more to it than that. Maybe there's talent involved with writing. Maybe what I do is special. I read these reviews where readers refer to me as talented and I just don't understand what they're talking about. Maybe they aren't just writing things because they want to be liked. Maybe they are referring to something real. 

In any case, tomorrow I am going to put the '10 Things' kids book aside until my mind is ready to write it. Clearly I'm not ready to tackle that book for some reason and I will trust my subconscious on this one. Instead I'm going to work on book 2 of one of my erotica stories. The last short story I wrote has turned out to be my best selling book in a while if not ever. That fact demands a book 2. I will write 4 books total and hopefully it will continue to sell well.

On a separate note, my roommate has given me a time tomorrow that he will be moving his stuff. I think this is real. I will get my office back. It's been about 8 years but I'm once again will be alone and free. I'll see how I react.

Again on a separate note, I'm stuck in a dilemma. I think that I might have to tinker with my neurochemicals again. The vitamin D really fixed the whole dopamine insensitivity issue that I had. Now I barely feel the need to jump out of planes or speed my motorcycle down the center of traffic. (FYI, the plane flying and scuba diving was more driven from the fact that they were super cool things to do.) The meditation that I've been doing has definitely raised the level of oxytocin in my body hence making me more satisfied with life. 

However there still seems to be something that's missing. I haven't felt like I was in love with someone in a long time. I haven't even felt like I was in lust with a particular person in years. Could it just be that I have gotten jaded in my later years? Or could I be what some have suggested in jest, that I'm dead inside indicated by the fact that the sight of a baby doesn't create an emotional response in me at all.

I have always been tweaking my levels of testosterone. Maybe I should increase my testosterone further and also increase my circulating amount of dopamine. I've seemed to have gotten everything to a point where I feel pretty great lately, but I think I can feel even better. 

As I think about it, this could be linked to my gnawing feeling that I really need to get a great massage. Like the way we crave a particular food when we're deficient in it, my craving to get a massage could me my subconscious telling me that a particular neurochemical has fallen out of balance. I wonder if the body actually does that with neurochemicals? If it does, then getting a massage is not going to solve my problem, whatever it is. What I will need is a constant stream of whatever neurochemical I'm craving. Hmm... I wonder which one it could be? 

I guess that getting that massage and then analyzing and classifying the dominant sensation afterwards is the only way to really find out. And since my roommate does seem to be moving, I guess I will soon get to find out. Yay for sensual healing.

Sensual Healing as a Cure for what Ails Me

After long last, my roommate told me that he is moving out. There is a large part of me that doesn't believe him. The last thing he said to me in person was that he was going to live here and not pay me rent. After that he texted me a question about getting his deposit back if he could find a place at the end of the month. A couple days later he texted me saying that "It looks like it will happen" and asked again about the deposit. First I thought that it meant that he was moving, but after thinking about it, I realized how vague he was. He never really gave me notice. I don't think the psychological war has ended yet.

Having to prepare for both scenarios, I have to give thought to living in my place by myself. On a positive note, I will definitely be having much more sex. On a negative note, I will have to cover all of the expenses by myself. Can I afford it? Yes. But that means that I won't have as much expendable income as I used to.

Will I still be able to make my Mexico surfing trip this year? I don't know. I know that I could if I devote myself to writing erotica for the rest of the year. If I really devoted myself to it, I could double my income by Jan 1st 2013. But what that means is that I would have to not have a life again. And I would have to not write my non-erotica books.

I know I had this internal debate just a few days ago, but here I am again. This time the motivation is losing a person who is sharing my rent. I knew that I would be back here when it finally happened and like I suspected, I don't know what I will do.

I guess another motivation for me to devote myself to erotica for the rest of the year is that I, once again, would like to retreat from life. Sure I've been having a great time engaging in life, but losing myself in one of my obsessive behaviors has always been my answer for everything whenever something unpleasant has happened to me. Unfortunately something unpleasant has happened to me, and adding to it the fact that I will be shouldering all of my expenses, gives me a great excuse to retreat.

Thinking about it, maybe instead of retreating into my work, what I instead need is some sort of sensual experience. I either need to spend some time in a very good Jacuzzi, get a really great massage or have some  awesome sex. I'm starting to again have that feeling where my skin feels like it's on fire and I need something to counteract it. It happens whenever I experience an isolating disappointment. Sadly, my meditation is no longer working like it used to. On top of that (or maybe it's because of it) I'm feeling very distracted as well.

Maybe I'll set that as my goal for this week. I have been needing a massage for a while now. So if my roommate leaves, I'm going to celebrate by getting me a little sensual healing. You know what? That is exactly what I'm going to do. Hmm... this week has just gotten a little brighter and more exciting.