Friday, May 11, 2012

My Perception of Self

Perhaps this is not a good day to blog considering that I'm sick. Whenever I'm sick my mood drops tremendously. And I can say without a doubt that I'm not happy right now. I'm feeling defeated and like giving up. Last week I was feeling like this and in turn I took 4 strong steps to recover. Really when I'm feeling like this it is usually based on sales numbers.

Currently my overall sales are up. My German sales, Amazon English sales and Barnes & Noble sales are all up. But my audio book sales are down. And that fact alone is just killing me. I was counting on audio books as my future and I had a 50% drop in sales between March and April. Considering how much time I've invested into audiobooks, it just depresses the hell out of me.

Adding to that, last weekend I went to see Avengers. I was putting butter on my popcorn when a woman walked up next to me and stood waiting for the butter pump. I look over at her and she doesn't look directly at me but she starts to blush. I turned back around wondering what she was blushing at since there was no one else there. I then walked off, but by the time I get into the theater I realize that she was one of the most beautiful women that I've seen in a long time. (I'm slow on the uptake sometimes.) I then keep an eye out for her to walk into my theater but she doesn't. That missed opportunity does not do my mood any good.

You know, I look at my life objectively and it's not too bad. I write for a living; I'm taking some time off to work on a movie; I'm pitching a huge game changer to one of the largest publishers in the world; and someone volunteered that I was good looking. (Usually I try my best not to hear compliments, but it was said so disarmingly that I couldn't help but hear it.) So one would think that I'm just fine.

So what this makes me think is that I'm low on Vitamin D though I'm not. My body has probably adapted to it so I'm no longer getting that dopamine boost that I get from it. And I haven't been taken my other feel good supplements long enough to feel an effect. But damn I'm not in a good mood. I have this overwhelming desire to lay in bed and just stay there. If anyone knows me, they would know that would never happen. But the desire is there and I can't shake it. And no new venture or project has managed to shake this feeling out of me.

Ok, you want to hear something that is going to sound a little crazy? So I'm psychic, right. Just accept that as fact. I'm not going to lay out the mounds of evidence that started from age 14. And one of the psychic techniques I use involves me asking "the universe" questions. Using this method I have about a 75% or 80% accuracy rate. I don't use it very often, but I have found it incredibly accurate.

So a few weeks ago I wasn't feel particularly happy and I decided to employ this technique. I have never really been in love. I'm pretty old for never having really been in love and I'm constantly aware of this. So I decide to ask the universe whether or not I will ever be in love during this life time.

To me the answer was easy and obvious. Of course I will. So I sat back waiting for the answer. The way I get the answer is that something extremely coincidental happens. I then have to dissect that coincidence and within it is an answer. The incidences aren't kind of coincidental. They are really coincidental. And I always get an answer. I went through a short phase where I got 2 incorrect answers in a row, but I always get answers. The only time when I didn't get an answer was right after I become unemployed after the recession hit. I had asked the universe where would be the next company that I would be fully employed at. I got no response at all.

That lack of response led me to shun everything psychic. What I interrupted that lack of answer to mean was that I would never again be employed by a company. As a person who had no clue where my next paycheck was coming from, I did not like that answer. I hated the universe for giving me that answer and I rejected it. But of course, if you have been reading about my writing journey, you would know that as it stands, I no longer have to find employment by another company. I am gainfully self-employed. I couldn't imagine that answer (or lack of one) as being a good thing at the time, but it was.

So a few weeks ago I ask the universe if I would ever find love. Can you guess what the response was? It was silence, just like when I asked the question about employment. And yes, I considered that the technique has stopped working for me, but I have had two really impressive incidences of coincidence between those two unanswered questions. I guess it's possible that it takes time for the universe to arrange for these coincidences, but it has been longer than I remember it ever taking before.

Typing this I'm reminded of a TED lecture I saw about perception. The gist of the lecture was that our perception of things matters more than reality. Well, my perception of my life is not good and involves the terms loveless and failure. Is that reality? Who knows.

On a side note, it looks like I will no longer get my office back because my roommate doesn't now seem to be moving out anymore. The upside is that I no longer have to rapidly increase my income. So perhaps to give life some meaning I should write a book that has the possibility of surviving me. The YA book seems so daunting to me right now, so maybe I should finally work on '10 Things that Every Kid should Know By 18... And How to Teach Them.' It shouldn't take me longer than 3 weeks and maybe it will make me feel better about myself.

Why I currently need to feel better about myself I do not know. But in spite of my promise to be better to myself, I again seem to find myself mumbling the word "loser" to myself. Do I consciously think that I'm a loser? Not even close to it. But clearly my subconscious is not liking something about what's going on, and I have to figure out some way to address it.

No comments:

Post a Comment