Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mortality is a Bitch but Undeniable

Mortality is a bitch but it's undeniable. I just watched the movie Cabin In The Woods. I recommend it. But it has put me in an interesting mood.

Today was a hard day at rugby. Now that I'm off of my latest age defy supplements, I definitely felt it. And as I sit here I have to admit to myself that I'm aging. Yes, the only guy on the field today that could have possibly been faster than I was is 23 years old. Sure the only other possible guy that I play with that could possibly be faster is about 26. But still, there's no denying it, I'm aging. Seriously, I would be surprised if I have 3 years left... and that's me being optimistic.

So with this reality staring me in the face everyday, I have to really start thinking about my legacy. I have the life-sized bronze statue of me. Certainly that will exist longer than all of us. I could also cross my fingers that my book Everybody Masturbates becomes a classic. But past that, what do I have? Unfortunately nothing.

From the age of 11 I thought that I was put on earth with a glorious purpose. I can remember sitting in my 6th grade class having a clear feeling that I had a well defined destiny. Then I remember sitting in my 8th grade class thinking that I had a well defined destiny. Then my 10th, 11th and 12th grade class. Then all during college and for the first 8 years afterwards. After that things got hazy, but I used to think that I was here for a reason.

Now as I sit here, I'm looking at about 2 solid years at most before my mind goes to hell. I have already lost a step. My mind could do some impressive things when I was a kid. Now that stuff is all gone. The only thing special about it now is the way it makes connections between ideas. All of its great processing power is gone. Even now, mentally I am a shadow of my former self. Physically, I'm clearly not as good looking as I used to be.

You know, people mock me about saying things like this, but they just don't get it. I can remember being trapped in the Bahamas after I graduated from college and I went through a couple of weeks stretch when literally, every single day that I left my house some stranger would comment on how good looking I was. Do you know what that's like? Do you know how that fucks up a person's mind?

I did not encourage that. I didn't want it. I almost tried to avoid it, but there it was unsolicited. It was ridiculous. I remember once I left my house just to get my hair cut and the older male barber mentioned my looks. I didn't see it. Looking back at the pictures at the time and still don't see it. And because I couldn't see it, I never wanted it. But after getting it for decades and then not getting it, it does something to you. It's like being forced to take a drug for years and then having to spend the remainder of your life in withdrawal. Simply put it screws with your head.

So now, here I am. I have lost what made my brain special; I have lost what made my looks special; I'm probably a year away from losing what made me special with sports. And that 11 year old is looking at me and his heart is breaking. "You were given so much. How could you have not fulfilled your destiny? How could you have wasted it all?" He keeps repeating to me.

You know, every time I do something that no one else in the world has done, it is because of that 11 year old. He is my motivator. He is the reason that I do so many 15 hour days. I don't want to disappoint him. He was such a sweet kid. He was just the nicest kid. In comparison to him, I am currently one evil son of a bitch. I would be absolutely ashamed to be introduced to that kid with him knowing that I am who he will become. That would break both of our hearts.

So since I have ruined that poor kid's life. Since I have taken all of the potential and goodness that that kid had and just fucked it all to hell, the least I could do is make one more concerted effort to fulfill that kid's destiny. I have 2 solid years left to do it. I need to get to it.

So, the last big thing that I will try to do before my time runs out is write that book that I have discussed before. It was the book I decided to write after watching the last Harry Potter movie. I have written 29 short stories in the last 6 months and I really feel that I have the style down. And currently my best selling erotica story is a story in 4 parts. Each story is self contained and sold separately but together they tell one over arching story.

This is how I will write the YA book. I am going to break the books down into four 12,000 to 20,000 word short stories. And I will break down the series into 5 books. That means that over the next 2 years I have to write 20 short stories. Considering that I have written 30 shorter short stories in 6 months, that seems very doable.

I plan on releasing the first one for free and then probably charge 2.99 for all of the rest. I expect to sell zero of most of them. I can also believe that I will sell none at all. It wouldn't be the first time. But I'm not looking at it as a money making venture. It is my attempt to explain the workings of the universe in a very easy to understand way. My book 'The First Day After Life' was something similar, but it is not easy to understand. If anyone ever had doubt that I was a genius, then they should read that book.

But my legacy will be being able to explain the purpose of life wrapped around an adventure and in a way that even a 10 year old girl can understand it. If I can do that, then I will have fulfilled my destiny. I will be able to let go and allow the universe to do with me what it will. Thanks to the ebook format the books will continue to exist long after I'm gone and, who knows, maybe some one at some point in time will discover it and appreciate it. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that I would have done everything that I could do.

That's my plan. I have never stopped thinking about the book and my mind has been working on it while I practiced my skills writing about sex. So some time soon I will sit down and map out all 20 stories and soon after that, the writing will begin. In truth I can feel a weight lifting off of my chest knowing that I am about to begin the last thing that I will ever NEED to do. It's actually quite a relief. It isn't particularly easy being me. I look forward to ridding myself of one of my biggest burdens.

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