Friday, July 20, 2012

I finally see myself for who I am and I'm OK with it

When you are confronted with something that you fear, how do you react? I have managed to nobly face fear in the last few years. I've never feared much, but certainly there were definitely times when insecurity gripped me.

I have thought a lot about my current self doubt. It really is quite unusual for me. If you know me at all, you would know that I am generally over confident. I don't doubt myself and I tend to charge into what others turn away from. That isn't by chance. It is by design. I have always been taught fear is the opposite of spiritual enlightenment. So whenever I could, I looked fear in the eyes and walked toward it. That certainly isn't the case in all areas, but recently it has been true even in the areas that I too used to walk away from.

 Keeping this in mind, today I thought that how unusual my self doubt has been. So what I did was what I often do when I can gain enough perspective on a topic. I asked myself, if someone else came to me explaining exactly what I'm going through, what would I say to them. What came out surprised me.

What I would say to myself if I were to elicit my own advice is, "Cristian, what you are experiencing is nothing more than fear. Think about it, has there been any time in your life when you made the choice of money over contributing to society?" And if I asked myself that, the answer would be no. Even when I was at my low points I still chose to remain focused on my goal. Even when I was offered jobs that others only dreamed about, I passed them up in order to stay on my path. Even when the money was really good, I walked away so that the vision that I had at 17 could be realized. "So what has changed now?" I think I would ask myself.

I think what has changed is that for the first time I am incredibly close to having what I've always wanted. This is the life I imagined back then and when it was easy to see the difference between what I was being offered and where I wanted to be, it was easy to walk away. But now that what I risk losing is everything I've always wanted, it's not so easy to walk away.

But ultimately I have to ask myself, "What is it that I believe in? Do I believe in this shit or not?" This is the second time I have had to ask myself this in 2 weeks. And hey, there is no way of telling what exists beyond this world, but there is nobility in devoting your life to a principle, even if the basis of that principle turns out not to be true. 

I have had a lot of amazing things happen to me which confirms my beliefs. They seem to be still happening to me. My most recent is recent enough that I shouldn't have to question myself now. So now, after thinking about it, I say that I choose to follow my beliefs. I have never chosen money and security over making the attempt to make the world a better and easier place for others and I'm not going to start now. 

I now accept that by stepping away from erotica, I will lose money. I accept that I could, some how, lose my momentum and I could lose the easy life that I have finally found. But on my death bed, I don't want my life to be about anything else except how much better I am leaving this world than I found it. I was blessed with a lot of things, and I have always said that the greatest sin in life is to not live up to your potential. 

I have no control over how people will respond to the things I do. Obviously I have done things in the past where I overcame my fears about discussing my sex life and embarrassing moments and I had a greater affect on others than I could ever imagine. And there are times when I have done the same and failed. But one thing is true, if I had decided in either case to remain safe and comfortable, the things that I am now the most proud of, would never have happened. 

So taking all of that into account, just now I finished the final project that I said that I would before I started working on the kids books. I am done with erotica for a while. It is now my time to try to contribute to society in a meaningful and long lasting way. I could horribly fail once again. I could succeed. But ultimately I want my life to be about the pursuit of something more important than money and pleasure. Life is pretty short. Death is infinitely long. I could stand to suffer a little longer if necessary. I don't need more stuff or trips. What I need is to live up to my greatest potential. And for me, living up to my greatest potential is me using my intelligence and life experience in a way that makes life better for others. Hopefully that is what I will achieve with my next few books. I will accept failure if that is my fate. I'm not scared of it any more. Fear never did really look good on me, I've always thought that I looked better in courage. I think I'll slip courage on for a while and remember how that feels. 

And I'm not going to be working on my next projects for the praise from readers. I'm not going to even do it because of some need to gain a sense of purpose. I'm will be writing what I will because, this is who I am. I make attempts to make other people's lives better. This is who I have always been, and that is who I will continue to be until I die. The arrogant narcissistic is no more who I am than the humble sage. I am neither of them. All I am is a guy who does what he believes he was put here to do. I couldn't be anyone else if I tried. I get that now. And with that in mind, I'll get back to work now. Actually, I'll go do some scuba diving this weekend, then I'll get back to work. :-)

I have found myself again. I feel better now. 

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