Monday, July 30, 2012

Sensual Healing as a Cure for what Ails Me

After long last, my roommate told me that he is moving out. There is a large part of me that doesn't believe him. The last thing he said to me in person was that he was going to live here and not pay me rent. After that he texted me a question about getting his deposit back if he could find a place at the end of the month. A couple days later he texted me saying that "It looks like it will happen" and asked again about the deposit. First I thought that it meant that he was moving, but after thinking about it, I realized how vague he was. He never really gave me notice. I don't think the psychological war has ended yet.

Having to prepare for both scenarios, I have to give thought to living in my place by myself. On a positive note, I will definitely be having much more sex. On a negative note, I will have to cover all of the expenses by myself. Can I afford it? Yes. But that means that I won't have as much expendable income as I used to.

Will I still be able to make my Mexico surfing trip this year? I don't know. I know that I could if I devote myself to writing erotica for the rest of the year. If I really devoted myself to it, I could double my income by Jan 1st 2013. But what that means is that I would have to not have a life again. And I would have to not write my non-erotica books.

I know I had this internal debate just a few days ago, but here I am again. This time the motivation is losing a person who is sharing my rent. I knew that I would be back here when it finally happened and like I suspected, I don't know what I will do.

I guess another motivation for me to devote myself to erotica for the rest of the year is that I, once again, would like to retreat from life. Sure I've been having a great time engaging in life, but losing myself in one of my obsessive behaviors has always been my answer for everything whenever something unpleasant has happened to me. Unfortunately something unpleasant has happened to me, and adding to it the fact that I will be shouldering all of my expenses, gives me a great excuse to retreat.

Thinking about it, maybe instead of retreating into my work, what I instead need is some sort of sensual experience. I either need to spend some time in a very good Jacuzzi, get a really great massage or have some  awesome sex. I'm starting to again have that feeling where my skin feels like it's on fire and I need something to counteract it. It happens whenever I experience an isolating disappointment. Sadly, my meditation is no longer working like it used to. On top of that (or maybe it's because of it) I'm feeling very distracted as well.

Maybe I'll set that as my goal for this week. I have been needing a massage for a while now. So if my roommate leaves, I'm going to celebrate by getting me a little sensual healing. You know what? That is exactly what I'm going to do. Hmm... this week has just gotten a little brighter and more exciting.

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