Words: 3,818
Time: 12:15 - 5:30 (.5 hr break)
Mood: Pretty good
Impression: Questionable at best
So I hit a new low point today. Today I wrote porn. And I'm not talking erotica, I'm talking porn. In erotica the characters have a bit of a back story. There is even conversation that doesn't involve sex. Porn is, 'let's see how quickly I could get these people naked and doing it.'
And it isn't just that I wrote porn. I have no problem with porn. I am a consumer of porn. Porn absolutely fills a purpose in society and I'm OK with it. No, I took my short story a step further than that. It wasn't my intention when I sat down but something someone once told me seeped into my mind as I started and I thought "wouldn't that be an interesting character trait." And after that thing was added, I just ran with it and now I feel like I might have crossed a line... again. The last time that happened: Everybody vs The Ferret: 3)
Here's the thing, last week I was watching a 1980's rerun of Siskel & Ebert, the movie review show. It was a special that discussed the "disturbing rise" of slasher films. At the time both men decided the fact that violence was being enacted one scantly clad women was an attack on the growing feminist movement. But the entire time I'm listening to them I'm thinking how well meaning but wrong they were.
A few years ago there was a study done where they stuck special instruments into women's vagina and on guy's penises. They then had the subjects watch horror films. Afterwards the subjects were asked how sexually aroused they were while watching it. More than half said not at all. However when the scientist examined their instruments' results they found that almost all of them were sexually aroused. The truth is that normal, good human beings are sexually aroused by things that scare them. Today I exploited that fact and added it into my porn.
I did have certain rules. It all had to be consensual and what not, but yep, I mixed fear and sex. And I'm not talking BDSM, I'm talking fear. Yep, it's a new low point for me. And it's time for me to stop writing.
After I finished I also realized that I now have 7 stories that all need to be edited and released. I have to say that I have been starting to feel a little depressed that I'm not selling more. I have written so much and yet, this month is turning out to be my worst month ever which takes over from last month as my worst month ever. I can't explain it. Even my Everybody Masturbates books are suffering.
But when I catch my senses I think, yes I've been working a lot, but all of my best, most marketable work is sitting idol on my computer. I don't think that I have the right to complain about not selling well if I have 7 stories that I haven't released.
So having said that, I vow not to write another new story until all of these books are finished and ready to go out. I was going to say until they are released but that will take a minimum of 7 weeks so that might be a little long to wait. So that's my vow, I will not write again until everything that I have written is done.
Granted, I'm aware of my previous vows to quit writing and accept that the vows are worth as much as the paper I write them on (ummm, I don't write the down), but still that is my vow. And this time I mean it!
I have also made a realization last night. I'm a guy that's prone to addiction. Not the obvious ones because I consider myself more unique person than that. But the first addiction that I ever realized I had was that I was a workaholic. After I made the realization I put an end to that and it crawled into another area of my life.
But for a while I have been hoping that if I had to have an addiction it would return back to being a workaholic because at least that one tends to build up your life as much as an addiction could. Well, happy birthday to me. I now barely leave my house and I rarely ever see my friends. I guess though, it's a lot better than drugs, alcohol or food. What can I do but accept and move on. Oh well. And like I said, happy birthday to me.
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