Sunday, August 21, 2011

I think the 17 yr old Cristian was a little shit who ruined my life!

Words: 469
Time: 11 - 11:30
Mood: Bad
Impression: Not great

I wrote before I headed to the set of 'The Closer.' But I had a very short time before I left. I have to go back over it to add more one-liners. On Monday, I don't have anything scheduled. Hopefully I can sit down and crank out most of it.

On another topic, yesterday I was thinking about my life. I have stated before that I was never as spiritual and connected to everything around us then I was when I was 17. No other time in my life compares. I also openly state how much I truly hate my life. But here's the kicker, this life is what the 17 year old version wanted for me. He would very much approve of everything about who I am. He might even consider my life a success. How fucked up is that?

But I have to say that he was never clear about the details of what he wanted for me. He looked at things in big pictures. And he was such that he didn't care for money, or material possessions. The only thing he cared about was that I would create things that helped to make other people's lives better. How fucked up was he?

He gave up all that was good and blissfully happy about who he was so that the me of today would end up here. He would have probably have been cool if I lost a limb, if it meant that I could then use that disability to inspire someone else. He was prepared to live a life with nothing as long as I was doing things to leave the world better than I found it. And I think I can definitively say that he had absolutely no regard for me and my happiness. What a fucking shit he was! Just an absolute shit!

But here's the thing that I don't get about how my life has turned out, it was his conscious plan to allow himself to fade away so that the me of today could emerge. But the thing I don't get is how he has been able to keep such a tight grip over my life for the 20 years that followed. He faded away. Did he plant something in my brain so that I couldn't get away from the path that he wanted me to live? Is he still steering me now even though he is barely even a memory to me anymore?

Ok, since I view 17 year old Cristian as responsible for everything I hate about my life, I'm officially putting him on my enemies list. So far, my list of enemies include: My life; and 17 year old Cristian.

The other day I was also giving some thought to why I hate my life so much. And I think that I've narrowed it down to one thing; hope. It's funny I say that because 17 year old Cristian had a lot to say about hope. He even had a saying about it that he would say as often as he got the opportunity. He made it up himself and was very proud of it. It goes: Hope is a concept created by society, to maintain the premise that there is no god; and their is a god.

Often after he said it, it would inspire conversation and he would go on to explain it. He believed that the essence of hope is forward looking. Hope is about believing that tomorrow could be better than today. And at the heart of what 17 Cristian believed was that today/right now was good enough. And if we looked past the satisfying moments of right now when we aren't hungry or thirsty, where we have somewhere to sleep and aren't in mortal danger, if we looked past all of that, we will miss the glory of the universe. Because in the truest sense, there is no future or past, only a continuous series of right nows. And the more we focus on how great right now is, the more wonderful our life would seem. And for that reason, 17 year old Cristian railed against the concept of hope.

Putting that aside, I have completely lost all hope for my life. I no longer believe that my life will get any better than what it is right now (you know, the one I hate). In fact, if I were to chart out my life for the last 5 years or so, what it would lead me to believe is that it will get progressively worse.

So if you ever wanted to know what it's like to be me, imagine waking up every morning and then thinking that today will be worse than the previous day. Now imagine what it's like for me to think about my life in a week, or a month or a year. To be quite honest, when I think of life in 3 or 4 years I become overwhelmed by how much worse it will be than the horrible today and all I could do is pray that it never comes. I pray that it will all come to a merciful conclusion as quickly as possible, yet still it lingers on like a medieval torture device.

So, that's my life. To me my life is in a permanent state of decline which in spite of my intelligence and everything else, I can't slow down, much less reverse. And for those of you who wonder what's up with me. That is what's up with me and why I so intensely hate my fucking life. Oh yeah, that plus stuff that I would never write about. Now let's all bow our heads in prayer.

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